To expect partner to accept job offer?

[bonfiretoffee88]

Background : I have 3 children who are not my partners, they live with me half of the month, the other half with their dad. My partner moved in with us 2 years ago. He has no children. He pays me £400 per month, as before he lived with me he lived with his sibling and that was what he paid them, and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for him to pay 50% of household bills as my outgoings are more due to my children. My bills have raised significantly since he has been here, mostly food, as he will not eat a single meal that doesn't have meat, whereas we used to eat mainly veggie.

I work full time. A few months ago, he lost his job. Since then, he has been actively job searching, had plenty of interviews and 3 job offers. He declined the first one as he didn't like the early start time, he declined the second because it was too far away, and the third because he wanted a higher wage (it was above minimum wage, and only paid 3k a year less than me as a healthcare professional). I think he has high expectations / demands for which jobs he is willing to accept as he has minimal qualifications and works in a manual job think along the lines of a labourer on a site.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but I am fed up of coming home after a 13 hour shift, to find him gaming and the house is a mess - dishes not done, washing left on the line to be rained on, the other day he was eating his tea when I got back but when I asked if the kids had eaten he said he thought he would have fed themselves, so he hadn't actually fed them and the youngest is only 9. He also sits up until 3am talking into his headset, which really disturbs my sleep and I need to be up at 5am for work. He doesn't get out of bed till after lunchtime, when I work nightshift I have to come home, take the dog out, feed the dog and do all the washing / food prep before I go to bed as he just wouldn't. Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).
AIBU to think he should accept any job he is offered and then look for a better one when he is employed?

How appalling that you’re doing this to your children. Having them around this disgusting man, you need to grow up and remove such shit influences from their lives and god knows what else. You can’t afford to choose a man over your children, and by doing what you’re doing, you’re prioritising a man over them.

I’d have thought universal credit would have topped up your household income since he isn’t working

Good!

the simple answer here is just do less! Don’t take the dog out, don’t feed the dog, don’t tidy up. If he doesn’t get done it’s fine, let it build up around him he’s the one spending the most time in the mess the will realise . Or just take the WiFi box to work with you 🤣

Well done on your decision OP, I hope you don't have trouble getting him to leave. I fear you might, as he was onto such a cushy number with you and will resist losing such an easy ride. If you feel yourself wavering, just remember he's basically stealing money and future opportunities from you and your kids by insisting on being fed meat every night at your expense, after lying around doing nothing all day. He sounds disgusting.

Omg kick him out!!! What exactly is he bringing to the party here? Of course he's turning jobs down to sit on his arse gaming all night and sleeping all day if you are daft enough to not only allow this man to live with you for free, but you are also actually covering his bills too!! He needs to go pronto.

Cocklodger.

Let him buy his own food and cook for himself.

I voted you are unreasonable because you need to be kicking this cocklodger out not finding conditions to let him stay. Also, not feeding your 9 y old if they were left in his care is abusive imo.

Yabu to do this
.also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).

He has chosen to turn down three jobs!
Because you step in and oay
He is not your child op

Stop funding him.
Send him to sibling or his mummy

Yes, he can turn down as many jobs as he likes. However, he doesn't get to freeload on you. The longer he's in your home the more he's costing you. If you need a further push remind yourself that he's robbing your children. Everybody knows that prices have increased massively in the last 4 years, I doubt his sibling will take him back for £400 a month.

He either takes a job or moves out simple

Get him out and take your home back op!

Omg ge moved in and wants to be one of your kids. What a loser. Yep he is a waste of space.
Sorry OP, this one thought he was onto a good thing, free food, free board, free sex and free housekeeping.
Absolute bellend.

Good on you!! Please stand up for yourself!

good luck op

This.
Every penny that you spend 'keeping' him. Imagine putting it in your childs savings.
Then get angry.
That expensive present you can't afford for Cbristmas, or that hobby your child wants to do, or that weekend away you wanted to treat the kids to but can't afford.. well you could probably do some of those things if he wasn't there using your electricity and washing powder, eating your food and wearing out your coach.

If you want a pet that'll trash the house, eat loads and expect to be worshipped for merely existing in the same space as you, can't you get a cat?

Bin this one off back to the rock he crawled out from under (or the streets, I don't give a fuck one way or the other) and go back to a clean home, full fridge and no useless prick lounging on your sofa all day whilst you work.

Good for you op.

He has no interest in an equal partnership he wants you to be his mother and skivvy. Even if he pulled a job out of his pocket now I would still let him go. He's shown you how little he respects you and also that you can't count on him to be dependable in any way. He'd only be doing it because you forced him to as opposed to because he knows its important and would likely resent you for it. The picking up after himself etc will never change.

I wouldn't let my nearly-adult DC do this never mind a man in a relationship! Please develop some self respect and tell him to leave. Don't set this example for your children

I mean, YABU for enabling. Why isn’t be a partner who would do anything to continue supporting you and your shared family that he’s part of? I’m going to say he’s a cocklodger

Was going to say you're only being unreasonable by letting him stay! He has no reason to get a job whilst everything is being funded for. Time for an ultimatum that he gets off his backside and accepts any job to help contribute or it's time to go. You have your own children to take care of, you don't need another one!

Well done bonfiretoffee88 - definitely the right decision. It's insane that you've been paying for his hobby while he turns down job offers, sleeps til lunchtime then games and doesn't clean up after himself or pay you any board - to say he's behaving like a teenager living with his mum is an insult to teenagers!

Kick him out. He's using you. Bet his sister wont have him back either. Why isn't he still paying you. Even if he was unemployed for awhile a single man who has had it easy (and sounds like he has) should have savings.

@bonfiretoffee88 he sounds like a lazy child, not an adult partner.

He's massively taking the piss, and taking money and your time away from your dc.

My 19yo paid almost that to us for rent and food last year when she took a year out before uni. Hobbies, alcohol, etc, she paid for herself out of her earnings. She also had chores around the house, and still has chores when she's home from uni.

We put the money she paid us aside for her because we can, but if things had been a struggle we would have used it to survive.

Please get rid within the week, whether or not he suddenly finds a job!
Don't teach your dc this is what to expect from a relationship. Especially if you have any daughters.

Good luck.

@bonfiretoffee88 Also, please immediately stop paying for anything for him, including food, phone, alcohol, etc.

Good for you, genuinely. He's bringing nothing to the table.