To expect partner to accept job offer?

[bonfiretoffee88]

Background : I have 3 children who are not my partners, they live with me half of the month, the other half with their dad. My partner moved in with us 2 years ago. He has no children. He pays me £400 per month, as before he lived with me he lived with his sibling and that was what he paid them, and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for him to pay 50% of household bills as my outgoings are more due to my children. My bills have raised significantly since he has been here, mostly food, as he will not eat a single meal that doesn't have meat, whereas we used to eat mainly veggie.

I work full time. A few months ago, he lost his job. Since then, he has been actively job searching, had plenty of interviews and 3 job offers. He declined the first one as he didn't like the early start time, he declined the second because it was too far away, and the third because he wanted a higher wage (it was above minimum wage, and only paid 3k a year less than me as a healthcare professional). I think he has high expectations / demands for which jobs he is willing to accept as he has minimal qualifications and works in a manual job think along the lines of a labourer on a site.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but I am fed up of coming home after a 13 hour shift, to find him gaming and the house is a mess - dishes not done, washing left on the line to be rained on, the other day he was eating his tea when I got back but when I asked if the kids had eaten he said he thought he would have fed themselves, so he hadn't actually fed them and the youngest is only 9. He also sits up until 3am talking into his headset, which really disturbs my sleep and I need to be up at 5am for work. He doesn't get out of bed till after lunchtime, when I work nightshift I have to come home, take the dog out, feed the dog and do all the washing / food prep before I go to bed as he just wouldn't. Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).
AIBU to think he should accept any job he is offered and then look for a better one when he is employed?

Of course he needs to accept the job. I’d give him an ultimatum job or leave

Think about how much money you earn per month, and how hard you work for it, and then consider how much of that is diverted from your kids to this 'prize' of a man. Kick him out and change the locks. Don't trust someone that feckless with the contents of your house, especially when they know your shift patterns. I knew a woman years ago who had kicked her partner out for cheating, and when she got back from work the house was cleaned out. Every bit of furniture, all her kids toys and tech. There are some awful people out there. It is your job as a Mum to stop them getting into your house and mooching off you. Some men of this calibre target single mothers because they think they can get away with more leeching.

Cocklodger klaxon! Get him tae fuck, your poor kids.

Edited to say I see you are. Your life is about to get so much better.

He is taking the food from the mouths of your children and not contributing. And this is being allowed to happen. End the relationship and put him out. He is not active in the relationship he is living off money that should be for your children. He is thinking of what he wants not what you need. That is unfair on your children.

Sorry, but he is not a lodger, if you are putting a roof over his head at the expense of your children’s privacy the absolute least he should do is go halves with the house expenses.

No job and no help in the house? Stop the tactful conversations, he starts doing as much work in the houseAND starts contributing to the expenses or…

that’s the beauty of not being married, it won’t be messy, put his Xbox and stuff in bin bags by the door and change the locks. If that sounds difficult open your eyes and remember this: The money you are spending on this leach is money you take away from your children, so grow a spine and let him go, somebody has to put those children financial needs first (he is not, obviously)

C'mon OP. You know he has to go.

ETA: that will teach me to RTFT. Good luck - do you have someone who can help him exit your life if he gets a bit reactive?

Why on earth would he do that when you are going to basically be his mum for the rest of his life?

“Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).”

You do not have to pay any of his bills OP and the longer you do the less incentive he has to get a job, you need to have that conversation with him, the worst that could happen is your relationship ends, which, will be difficult but maybe not such a bad thing as he doesn’t seem to consider your kids much and definitely is not a good role model for them.

Well done OP. You can do it.

no way should he be living there rent free. I would have some sympathy if he was struggling to find work but had the house pristine and meals cooked. But he’s had lots of offers and is acting like a lazy teen.

you’re right to get rid.

And yes - stop paying his bill too!!!

There are some shit jobs out there and some employers take the piss. But if you need to earn money, you take what you can get and look for something better.

But over and above that, if he is not working you should be coming home to an immaculate house, hot meal, walked dog, etc etc. The fact he is not doing that shows he is taking the piss. I think you made the right decision, I am afraid.

I would dump him! Does he have any redeeming qualities? That money you spend on him, you could be saving for your kids instead. Think about what a difference it would make to not have him leeching off you!

Well done on deciding to get rid. Better late than never!
Come back and let us know how it goes xx

He needs to go. Sounds like a proper man-child.

Congratulations on your cocklodger. He will not take any job because he doesn’t want to. He’s got it made with you working FT and doing all the cooking and cleaning. I’d kick this one to the kerb pronto.

Don’t let him talk you round either!

His sibling must have seen you coming

Get him out today!!!!

Good for you! Not only will you be financially better off with him gone, you also won’t have to clean up after him! You’ll feel lighter and much more in control. He brings nothing. Bin!

He's literally taking food out of your kids mouths. I'd be taking a hammer to his games console and taking the wifi router to work with me.

YABU to think things will improve when if he gets a job. How is he a 'partner'

I would have kicked him out just for not feeding the 9 year old, never mind the rest! If he really cared about contributing he would have grabbed the first job offered to him and made sure he pulled his weight. Your children are going to think this is normal in a relationship, pick your standards up off the floor and know your worth OP! You and your children deserve better

Why does your children have to put up with this man?

Right, so what is he contributing here?

While you’re at work, if he’s unemployed he should be cooking, shopping and cleaning.

What. The. Actual? Glad this thread has helped you see sense, OP. Raise your bar. A lot.

Sorry just rtft after commenting. Well done OP you honestly deserve more 💐