To expect partner to accept job offer?

[bonfiretoffee88]

Background : I have 3 children who are not my partners, they live with me half of the month, the other half with their dad. My partner moved in with us 2 years ago. He has no children. He pays me £400 per month, as before he lived with me he lived with his sibling and that was what he paid them, and we agreed it wouldn't be fair for him to pay 50% of household bills as my outgoings are more due to my children. My bills have raised significantly since he has been here, mostly food, as he will not eat a single meal that doesn't have meat, whereas we used to eat mainly veggie.

I work full time. A few months ago, he lost his job. Since then, he has been actively job searching, had plenty of interviews and 3 job offers. He declined the first one as he didn't like the early start time, he declined the second because it was too far away, and the third because he wanted a higher wage (it was above minimum wage, and only paid 3k a year less than me as a healthcare professional). I think he has high expectations / demands for which jobs he is willing to accept as he has minimal qualifications and works in a manual job think along the lines of a labourer on a site.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, but I am fed up of coming home after a 13 hour shift, to find him gaming and the house is a mess - dishes not done, washing left on the line to be rained on, the other day he was eating his tea when I got back but when I asked if the kids had eaten he said he thought he would have fed themselves, so he hadn't actually fed them and the youngest is only 9. He also sits up until 3am talking into his headset, which really disturbs my sleep and I need to be up at 5am for work. He doesn't get out of bed till after lunchtime, when I work nightshift I have to come home, take the dog out, feed the dog and do all the washing / food prep before I go to bed as he just wouldn't. Financially I am struggling because now not only do I not have the £400 from him each month, I also have to pay his bills for him (car, hobby,alcohol, phone).
AIBU to think he should accept any job he is offered and then look for a better one when he is employed?

Up your standards maybe

OP, you say "I don't really know what my AIBU is" - you are being unreasonable to put up with this nonsense.

He sounds like a terrible role model, I wouldn’t want him near my kids

When you are in a relationship, you both have to bring something to the table. What is he bringing?

Honestly why are you with him? Why did you move him into your home 2 years ago and he only paid £400 a month. You are spending money on him that should be spent on your children. Is he a loving partner? Does he make your life easier? If not kick him out, see who else would pay to keep a man like that. He must have a gold cock, for you to pay all his bills and put up with him gaming all night.

£400 is what I paid my BF 21 years ago, and it certainly didn’t include my food! But you’re not even getting the £400 now, so it’s a moot point.

Given he has been paying just £400 a month for food, rent and bills, why doesn't he have lots of savings to fall back on? He's taking the piss. Show him the door.

Is he any good for you at all?

Well done OP, he is literally taking money away from your children. He is acting like a fucking teenager and you're his Mum, I mean the £400 board was a piss take in the first place and he's not even doing that. It would give me the irredeemable ick and even if he begged to take any job if I threatened to kick him out wouldn't be enough after months of laziness, neglecting the kids and just not fucking adding any value. Xx

Best of luck in the future OP xx

I wouldn't care what he did about his job. Because he'd be doing from somewhere a long way away from me. Your problems with this one won't be solved by him getting another job, unless it's as a guinea pig in a personality transplant trial.

He needs to move out. ASAP. He's taking advantage of you.

throw this one back! he is a cocklodger!

Trying to work out why anyone would describe a man like this as a partner.

Am sorry, you call him your partner but at the moment he is being anything but. Job and pull his weight or it's time to leave...

Edited: sorry, I echoed post above which I didn't see.

Let’s hope the sibling hasn’t wised up and let out his room! But even if they have he needs to go. He is costing you money OP, and does not even have the nous to realise that when you are leaching off someone you try to keep them sweet by helping out for example by cleaning, cooking, doing the washing, feeding the children, respecting their space, none of which he seems capable of. He has had a good run of two years, he needs to find another sucker.

Are you really asking this?

Throw him back. What an idle piece of work.

Sooo he doesnt help with bills, doesnt help with the kids or the housework and your now paying his bills?? What on earth??

STOP paying his bills for one. If he wants his car/hobbies/phone than he needs to take a bloody job. They can be hard to come by who does he think he is turning them down?? His thinking is why get a job when your enabling this behaviour?? Also he either helps around the house or he finds somewhere else to live.

Set your boundaries OP and stick to them. He is currently bringing NOTHING to the table

Even without the job situation, he’s massively disrespectful to you by leaving the house in a tip while you’re slaving away. And disrupting your sleep.
It’s certainly not love. you don’t need this neck beard in your life. Does he add any value at all?
Kick this guy to the kerb and stop paying for anything for him in the meantime.

I have seen people like him described as ‘Cocklodgers’ . I think that he has turned into one!

OP, I am raging on your behalf. Please read him the riot act - you have been more than accommodating. Him not wanting to split bills because the kids are there half the month would have given me the ick alone - he’s behaving like an extra child. You deserve so much better xx

This.

I had a relative in a war-torn country whose husband was an accountant. They had to move - lost most of their possessions. He got another job as an accountant. In the meantime, she worked as a childminder. (She had a degree, but there was no work available commensurate with her qualifications.)

Her husband lost his job. He refused to take just any job...It had to be accountancy. My relative worked until she and her husband could claim a state pension. I sent money to help her out a few times - I'm fairly certain that her husband had a gambling habit. Then she found out that she had cancer. Died in her late 60s. Her useless husband is still alive.

Okay, that's an extreme example...but life's too short to support a waster.

You buy him alcohol…? Why? If he wants things he needs to take the job to pay for it.

Why do you have to pay for his alcohol, hobby and phone. And where in the UK does someone get a fifty percent share of a reasonable sized home for £400 a month. And zero bills. And a built in cleaner?

If his sibling was charging that they must have been a mouse living in a hole in a wall in a disused building. Or he's lying. Or sibling kicked him out for failing to adequately pay his way.

Tell him he can move out of he doesn't get a job and the rent's gone up to a grand. And no food, phone, hobby or anything else is being paid for by you any longer.

Honestly he'll be thinking you've got the word Mug tattooed on your forehead in glow in the dark ink if you don't put your foot down severely.

£400 a month? I assume that included bills too, since you mentioned they went up. I can't honestly say I wouldn't like to live on £400 a month with someone else doing all my shitwork while I piss about on consoles, but I also couldn't blame anyone who told me not to take the piss and chucked me out. Well done, OP.

What on earth am I reading? 400 quid for his food, board and lodgings and all he eats is meat?
He doesn't work and games all day, disrupts your sleep, does no chores?? I don't know where to start. Get rid and get some therapy, even if he gets a job.