To plan another baby at 37?

[Anotherbaby36]

I’m looking for someone to tell me that I’ve completely lost my mind!
I have 4 children, and I absolutely love the chaos! I love all their personalities and watching them grow. I am lucky enough to be a stay at home mum even though I have 2 teens, the youngest 2 are toddlers.
We are getting married next year and I can’t help feeling that another baby would be so welcome and wanted in our family! However, I would be 37 (all being well fertility wise) once baby would be here.
All I keep doing is counting up in age at how old I would be on the school runs etc and would my
husband and I be too old to travel once the children had their own lives.
I can’t stop thinking about another baby! But is this because I'm sad that I just won’t have one again if that makes sense?
thank you!

And the older ones won’t give the question much thought

but when it comes to studying for GCSEs and A levels…. They will care

What do you see your life being like at 50 OP?
If you have a child now, you would be 50 with a 13 year old who could be starting to be independent.

Do you ever want to go to work? Have you ever worked 'properly' given you had your first at 23/24?

Worst case - and you need to think on this- if your DH fell under a bus, or died young from something, could you afford to bring up 5 children by yourself? And do you have an extended family to help?

We’re all selfish at times OP, don’t worry about it!
it’s part of being human
@Anotherbaby36

27 years on and I still still resent my mother for putting her need to reproduce above the needs of the 4 children (including 2 teenagers) that she already had. You don’t know how things will go. They may not go ok.

If you can yeah ! Just warning I have 4 eldest 17 going to uni and I have gad a shock probably need 5-10 grand a year to help them through it so it if all 4 go that’s a lot then driving lessons cars deposits all my friends who have 2 kids are comfortably doing this there’s no way I can and feel so guilty

Go for it!! I’ve just had my 2nd at 36 and I would like 1 more.

I think having 5 close together is very different from having dc with a large age difference. My eldest was 16 when I had my youngest (also had a 14 and 4 year old) and it was very difficult balancing their different needs. Even now I have gc, having dc still at school sometimes limits how helpful I can be.

How many bedrooms do you have ?
If I was I was one of your dc , I wouldn't suddenly want to share .

How old are your teens ?
I wouldn't want a crying baby / toddler about when I'm studying / taking important exams .

Are your dcs on-board with the possibility of another child ?

Tbh I had two and contemplated a 3rd but talked myself out of it . Many years later I'm very pleased I did not .

OP, ultimately, only you and DH can make this decision. Of course, 5 children is a lot these days. I have 3, single parent since they were little, working full-time, professional role. Found the younger years fine, even as a single parent. All are teens now, and oh.my.god. I can't believe how hard I find it. The mental stress, the challenges of dealing with their problems, behaviour, exams, future decisions and so on. I love them dearly but it is so hard, and so expensive. I really wasn't ready for this.

I always wanted 4, and despite the car crash that was my marriage, am still sad i didn't get to have a 4th (marriage ended when 4th was a baby). If that hadn't happened, I'm sure I would have had a 4th, and would have been about your age having them.

My own feeling is you just have a gut instinct about when you are 'done' or not. There isn't a right or wrong. PP's advice about thinking about when they are older, expenses etc is all good but I think usually, it's something more instinctive than that that makes us decide. Good luck with your decision.

I have 3 siblings, we are all adults now and my Mum and Dad literally never have time for me as they are always helping my siblings out, and I don’t need any help. They have to spread themselves so thin now there are lots of grandchildren etc and this was a major factor in me stopping at 2 children, so I can be a proper support to them as adults as well as children. So I would consider the impact on the children you already have.

Mine were all massive. Luckily I was a physio so was extremely proactive at promoting my pelvic health. It makes me feel so sad when I meet women, often decades younger than myself who would have benefitted. There is an excellent physio on fb if she comes up on my feed I will try and remember to copy the link

"Little children, little problems" my mum always says.

It's a bit dismissive of the strain of having dc with SEN or illness, but, putting that to one side for now, and all things being otherwise equal, little ones are less stress.

My parents were 37 and 39 when I was born. I never felt they were especially old, and they both lived to a ripe old age (Dad 91, Mum 100) and Mum in particular wa pretty helathy and active into her 90's (Dad also going trong into early 80's) I had friends at school and uni who lost parents at a young age, or had parents who were unable or unwilling to do much with them although younger than my parents.
The point I'm making is no one knows how long they'll be around or how long they'll be healthy. 37 is not particularly old, in fact it is pretty young, and as long as you make sure your older kids have space and peace for study, social life etc. then all will be fine.
My sister had her youngest at 45 as a single mum, she's now in her 70's and he's in the army leading a totally independent life, no problems from having an older mum.

This sounds tough but Bon Courage! I'm sure you are doing a great job!

Definitely not. I'd go back to work and focus on that.

I love babies, but, just at the moment, I am really not feeling very positive about so much in the world and country. Not within my family so much, so wouldn't impact a little one, but just the broader picture - getting jobs, global warming etc etc.

Luckily for them it's not how I felt when I had them, but I'm not sure I'd be feeling very confident about it now - or at least not "loading my plate with them" as it were.

Why do people on Mumsnet hate larger families so much? Anything more than 2 seems wild to some

I had my first (and only) at 38. Was the perfect time for me! 5 children though! But lots of families have lots oof children so if you can afford it, financially and mentally then go for it.

What post has given you that idea?

Because the planet is burning, we are in a period of human-caused insect life extinction which threatens the global food supply, many other beautiful species are dying off due to human encroachment, and myriad other ill effects of excess human population.

It's pure selfishness to reproduce beyond replacement rate (or even at replacement rate, in the opinion of many). Indulging one's own broodiness at the expense of everyone and everything else is reprehensible.

I don't think they hate them, but probably either can't afford them or, like me, hate the drudgery and chaos that it entails.

The thought of having lots of children would make me want to lie down in a dark room - all the cooking, cleaning, washing, school runs, kids parties, after school activities, public exams stress, friendship issues, UCAS not to mention the expense- no thanks.

No it is usually older dads that is the risk.

I was 35 and 38 when I had mine. I would have loved a third. And I didn't think I was to old! Losses before my two....I am grateful to have them!

It might be that my teenagers are outliers but that isn't/wasnt my experience at all.

Everyone's different, you can't decide whether to have more children based on how needy some teens are

The human race would soon die out if people only listened to the negatives 😁

You already have FOUR children! Please focus on them, especially as they become teenagers and have exams and need your support. Help them financially with buying a home as it’s soo expensive for our children to get on the housing ladder.

You’ll also probably become menopausal in the next 10 years which is not exactly conducive to being patient and looking after children, while dealing with teenagers!