To plan another baby at 37?

[Anotherbaby36]

I’m looking for someone to tell me that I’ve completely lost my mind!
I have 4 children, and I absolutely love the chaos! I love all their personalities and watching them grow. I am lucky enough to be a stay at home mum even though I have 2 teens, the youngest 2 are toddlers.
We are getting married next year and I can’t help feeling that another baby would be so welcome and wanted in our family! However, I would be 37 (all being well fertility wise) once baby would be here.
All I keep doing is counting up in age at how old I would be on the school runs etc and would my
husband and I be too old to travel once the children had their own lives.
I can’t stop thinking about another baby! But is this because I'm sad that I just won’t have one again if that makes sense?
thank you!

You had your older children very young- 24.
Many women now aren't having their first till their early -mid 30s.

This is going to sound worse than I seems BUT babies and children are not 'toys' to fill an otherwise empty life.

If all you've ever done is have children and there is nothing else going on - work etc- how do you think you will cope in midlife?

Also sorry to say this but your older children do not need LESS of you as young teens.

Many parents find those years very difficult indeed and my guess is that your two teens are not yet asserting their independence and questioning the boundaries that parents put in their way!

I wonder how you could afford 5 children- do you have a 5 / 6 bed house and lots of money? Your kids won't want, ideally, to share rooms as they get older so you need to think about them.

Prolapse and incontinence are very distressing and very very much not fine. Women need specialist pelvic treatment and re-education after every pregnancy, even straightforward ones, and hardly anyone realises it.

But you called me selfish? Even though I do nothing for myself?

In what post did I call you selfish?

I pointed out that you would be doing this for you

in any event, what would be wrong in thinking you are being selfish? It’s an opinion

You're very much focusing on you - what you want, what works for you.

I always think you need to consider how every other member of the family feels about this - including you.

Is it the best thing for your whole family? or just you?

Yes we have a 6 bedroom house and are financially stable - I don’t like sharing tjese details as it always come
across wrong. my comment about the teens needing me less also came across wrong - i have replied to others about that so hopefully you’ll see that x

How big is your house?

Teens won't like sharing and when they get older it will be much harder to find a quiet space for homework and studying if you place any importance on exams and higher education.

Not at all, my other replies will tell you otherwise

Those details though are very relevant to what you’re asking

So you're wealthy?

That makes a difference but as I said, babies aren't toys to keep having just to fill your days.

So you're saying that another child is best for your toddlers, for your teens, for you husband?

Your toddlers are too young to ask and your teens have not been positive.

@Anotherbaby36

having another baby would be doing something for yourself, OP . You have already said your teens aren’t bothered about another sibling. Doing something for yourself doesn’t have to mean something luxury like a spa break or whatever, it’s about doing what you want to do for yourself - in your case it’s having another baby. It’s ok to admit you’re not totally selfless!

Your younger children are not mature enough to know the reality of having another brother or sister if that is who you asked.

It would be selfish to have a baby because it feels easier and more familiar in the short term rather than doing the difficult and sometimes frightening work of re-learning who you are and rediscovering your identity when you are not needed as a mother. That day will come, and having another child will only delay it.

What happens if you feel the same once DC5 is here? Will you go on to have a sixth, and a seventh?

I had my second and last child at 37. The hormone combo of menopause and adolescence made for interesting times!
We figured having more would potentially be limiting financially. We have a great standard of living but obviously everything is diluted the more kids there are.
What if they all want to go to university? What funds will you gave to enjoy with your husband life after child rearing?
I think you need to find the joy in the older stages. Find new interests and other ways to be needed if that’s your thing so volunteering etc maybe together with your husband, stuff that can increase as you get older and the kids are less dependent.

There are some women who end up as Grans very young if they had their first child at a young age.

I wasn't a gran till almost 70 - had DS at almost 35 and he had a son at 35.

OP may think that in 10 years her sons will be fathers and she can start all over again looking after babies.

Er I had my first at 39 and second at 41. Absolutely nothing wrong with those ages.

but they were my 1st and 2nd. Not my 5th

But isn’t that the issue - you are being selfish in having another child because you need to fill the void because you don’t do or have anything for yourself - it all revolves around your children.

and that is a selfish reason to have another child - the dynamics of 4 are working but 5 may not. Your children don’t need another sibling it is entirely for you.

because you have created an existence around them and them alone and you would be expecting the child to fill something in you

and what then? 2-3 years down the line

So what?
Why can't she have a baby just for her?

Babies are not toys to keep collecting when you're bored or have no other identity other than being a mum- are they?

@sunshinestar1986

she can! But own it and take accountability of the fact that having the baby is just for her! And admit that she does do stuff for herself and doesn’t suffer from mum guilt overwhelmingly so that she doesn’t ever think about herself and what she wants (which is a good thing!)

I have 3 and have stopped. Someone said to me dont think about what another baby will add but think about what another baby will take away.....that stuck with me when I thought about my time already being so stretched.

So now I am a scout leader on the side. It gives me something to focus on and ticks my need to be around children.

I had my first and only at 36, DH was 53. He'd probably be happy to have another one but I'm 100% sure I don't have the energy for 2😂 you're a superhero already juggling 4 and if you think you can manage with a fifth and it's not going to adversely affect the others then go for it. You sound like a great mom and your DH is obviously happy to have another one so if you are going to do it I'd definitely do it as soon as possible because of the risks when getting closer to 40+.

A child deserves to have a parent that can give it time and attention, not only when it is young and cute, but as it ages, as it goes through difficult times.

This becomes very difficult the more children you have. It does help if you have money, family support and can stay at home.

But each child you have divides your attention further - and some children need more attention than others, especially at certain times in their lives.

Absolutely!!

but the OP was saying she has huge mum guilt because she never does anything for herself

I was pointing out, having a 5th child was very much something for herself