To plan another baby at 37?

[Anotherbaby36]

I’m looking for someone to tell me that I’ve completely lost my mind!
I have 4 children, and I absolutely love the chaos! I love all their personalities and watching them grow. I am lucky enough to be a stay at home mum even though I have 2 teens, the youngest 2 are toddlers.
We are getting married next year and I can’t help feeling that another baby would be so welcome and wanted in our family! However, I would be 37 (all being well fertility wise) once baby would be here.
All I keep doing is counting up in age at how old I would be on the school runs etc and would my
husband and I be too old to travel once the children had their own lives.
I can’t stop thinking about another baby! But is this because I'm sad that I just won’t have one again if that makes sense?
thank you!

Were you hoping for a daughter and your fifth is a girl?

Accidentally on purpose?

As the eldest of 5 children, I say please don't. My mum had a 5th when she was turning 40 because she was a bored SAHM and I really wish she hadn't. Of course I love my sibling but it put a huge amount of strain on my parents marriage, (constant fights all through my teenage years, it was traumatic) my mother's health (she had to have several operations and was in and out of hospital in the years after the birth) and as for me, and the 2nd child, who were 10 and almost 12 when 5th child was born, she basically washed her hands of us, or that's how it felt at the time. She wasn't there for us at all, our home life was completely chaotic and to this day our relationship suffers as she simply doesn't have time to be particularly involved with any of us. She doesn't spend much time with her grandkids either, as there are too many of them and she says she has to keep it even. Which translates to spending very little time with any of them.

That 5th child ended up with drug and alcohol issues, as there was simply not enough resources or attention available to them. Also ended up dropping out of every college course and still doesn't have a proper job.

My advice to you would be to think carefully about the rest of your life, are you prepared to give your already limited time and attention to another person, for another 40 years? Why would you not deepen the relationships you already have with your existing children? Or spend your money making memories with them on holidays. Or possibly get more friends in your life, or a pet.

The other thing that happens is by the time I had children, my mother had only finished raising the youngest sibling, so she was totally over children by then and couldn't be bothered with grandchildren. She wanted to travel alone. Made me so sad as all my friends from smaller families had parents that loved spending time with the grandchildren. She also has very few friends as she was too busy with the family. She never arranged playdates or anything either as she assumed we'd just play with each other which wasn't very healthy.

You say your older 2 are teenagers, teenagers still need a mother. My mother wasn't there for me at all when I was being bullied as a teenager. She was always too busy to ever listen to any of us.

Your family may be different, but I have friends from large families, 5, 6 and 7 kids and most of them harbour some degree of resentment towards their mother for having so many kids.

Too old to travel - seriously?? I’m 60 in a few weeks time and go on 3/4 holidays a year plus several UK weekend breaks.

My mum and dad are in their 80’s and only stopped having 3 holidays a year very recently

Yeah right an accident.

To be fair she says “unexpectedly” but it definitely seemed intentional on her side from the wording!

Can you get a job/hobby instead?

You sound as if you really love your life and the children you already have. I'd be inclined to count my blessings and 'stick', were I in your shoes.

I'd only have the number of DC I know I could manage alone if something happened to DP or our relationship. Because awful things do happen in marriages, sometimes apparently 'out of the blue'. Or worse, only I'd only have the number of DC I'd feel confident DP could manage on his own if something should happen to me. Because tragedy does strike. And the older you are, the more likely this is.

Also, while you may think that your love is big enough to incorporate a child with SEN (risks increase with both maternal and paternal age) into your family -which I'm sure it is- you cannot underestimate the truth that society and the education system is not similarly loving and accommodating and the struggle to ensure appropriate provision for a disabled child (and subsequently young person) quickly becomes overwhelming and very often there really isn't a 'best outcome', just something slightly less shit.

I also think you underestimate the health impact of late motherhood, especially on your pelvic floor. Health issues are easier to fix the younger you are. If your pelvic floor is already 'not great' please prioritise this for 'future you'. It not just leaking a bit when you sneeze as you enter perimenopause and inevitable hormonal changes cause your tissues to start to behave in ways you couldn't have predicted. My SIL has had to have some extensive surgery which has greatly impacted her life (and ability to parent effectively) and it's still not fixed her pelvic organ prolapse and incontinence.

I think this is probably, as you have already suggested, an issue of coming to terms with 'being done' and you're doing great for really exploring all the tricky corners of this phase of life. Wishing you all the best, OP.

Agree you need to focus on your pelvic floor rather than have another baby , OP. If left untreated it can often get worse and people end up incontinent, can’t run without pissing themselves etc. it’s very serious. @Anotherbaby36

That's fab for your family but my parents died when they were 72 and 77 so not everyone can expect to live healthily into their 80s and still travel at that age 🤷‍♀️

Honestly I'm not sure some people fully understand that to have kids it's for life - it doesn't stop when they turn 16/17/18. I'm hoping that with only having 2 kids I can help support them financially in the future if they need help and if we have the resources.

37 is fine. But with 4 kids already, I’d get a puppy!

I had my 7th in may at 37 he is my last . I've found it much more difficult this time round if I'm honest and my next youngest is only 2 my others are 21, 18, 15,10 &9 .
I also love the chaos I can't imagine what it will be like when they're all bigger and the house is empty .

I have five and I work FT, as does DH. We’re considered high earners by Labour but I don’t think we are, if we didn’t have children we would be but you know… People think we’re crazy but we get along fine. I get a lot of queries about how I cope and people say they can’t cope with one or two. Maybe just my personality but I’ve never not coped. Youngest has SEN as well which is a whole other thing, obviously never saw that coming.

You’ll already have a seven seater I’m assuming so fill the final seat I say, why not.

@TwistedWonder

yep, Op can’t put off her like and think oh I’ll have another baby then travel when I’m 65 or something. Your heath isn’t guaranteed. We need to seize the day not put stuff off due to the kids

37 is a really normal age for a baby here in London. Even a first baby tbh. Do what you want if you can afford it… my husbands mum was 40 when she had him and she’s happy, healthy and going strong now we’re 30.

Some people die prematurely- what’s the relevance to when is too old to travel?

Genuine non goady question: did you consider the older ones before having the last two? There's quite an age gap and unless you have a massive house, it literally must be chaos. My dd20 was telling me recently how one of her uni friends got a new sibling, and how awful it must be for her and that in her shoes she'd move out. I was surprised by her reaction, but then I remember how annoying babies and toddlers must be when you are that age.

A uni friend of mine was absolutely mortified when she found out her parents were having their 7th child. She was about 20 or 21 at the time. She never went back home after that and has since gone on to live a happy child-free life. I suppose that says something....

Yeah it’s a normal age but she already has 4. Looks like she just wants young babies/children to feel needed

ie if you have kids at 50 then you are 70 when they are only 20 🤷‍♀️ and they are probably still living at home at 25 when you are 75. Not everyone is in great health when they reach 70. & by 'some people die prematurely' I'm assuming that's your way of saying I'm so sorry for the loss of both your parents 🙄

I agree. I'm 50 and my kids are 21 & almost 18. They would be so embarrassed if I had a baby now. It's different if people have their 1st child around 50 but for someone like the OP who already has 4 then I can't wrap my head around why anyone would then want a 5th 🤷‍♀️ holidays would be stupidly expensive. Car would have to be enormous. I'm assuming OP would then concentrate her energy mainly on her younger 3 kids if she did have a 5th in which case I just feel sorry for the eldest 2. Trying to revise for important exams & cope with the stress of being a teenager whilst 3 young kids/a baby scream the house down/argue/have tantrums/don't sleep well. I'm guessing OP must be loaded in which case maybe she can afford a cleaner/nanny etc 🤷‍♀️

I just can’t see what another baby would add that you’ve not already got?!

As is already mentioned, the cost of raising 5 children and helping them financially into adulthood is enormous…!!

I think there's a lot of complex psychology within those who feel they need another baby (as opposed to another child) and "love the chaos". I will never forget a scene in the Radford family where they just had a new baby and Sue saying the best feeling in the world was bringing home a newborn from the hospital. Her next child up was only about 13 months and crying on the floor at her feet, but Sue was just gazing eerily at the newborn in her arms, completely oblivious. It was quite disturbing to watch, and there was actual chaos going on in the room infront of her and she was not emotionally present at all. Those older children knew they had to take on a parental role, despite Sue saying they didn't at all.

This is so sad, but so familiar, I totally identify with the older children as the eldest of 5. My mother offered us zero emotional support as teenagers, she was only interested in having babies. She always preferred kids before they could talk she said. Luckily the choice was taken from her as she had to have her ovaries removed after the 5th or she would have stayed going. I say luckily as I was doing the weekly shop at 13 for the family of 7,getting it delivered, and cooking for my younger siblings, even changing nappies sometimes. We never all went on family holidays, or did anything at the weekends while my friends were out having fun. The siblings all fought as it was probably the only way they got any parental attention, even if it was negative attention.