To plan another baby at 37?

[Anotherbaby36]

I’m looking for someone to tell me that I’ve completely lost my mind!
I have 4 children, and I absolutely love the chaos! I love all their personalities and watching them grow. I am lucky enough to be a stay at home mum even though I have 2 teens, the youngest 2 are toddlers.
We are getting married next year and I can’t help feeling that another baby would be so welcome and wanted in our family! However, I would be 37 (all being well fertility wise) once baby would be here.
All I keep doing is counting up in age at how old I would be on the school runs etc and would my
husband and I be too old to travel once the children had their own lives.
I can’t stop thinking about another baby! But is this because I'm sad that I just won’t have one again if that makes sense?
thank you!

You have 4 already and older children need attention too. Do your kids ever get proper 1:1/quality time with you? You said another baby would be so wanted and welcome. but by whom? You? I couldn't image teens getting excited about adding yet another sibling to the mix when there are already 4. Also, all of my DC have disabilities (nothing that runs on the family, I had them young and nothing that can be diagnosed pre-natally). How would a child with complex special needs fit into your chaos? If you have already 4 healthy children, why do you feel the need to roll that dice again?

I wouldn't have another one and focus on the children I have.

Why did you leave a decade until having a third?

I'm the same age as you and planning to have a second so I don't think age is an issue.

Personally though more than 2 5 children would be far too many for me. I can't imagine splitting my resources (time, energy and money) across that many children. But I am an only child!

How misguided this statement is. Children need you more and not less as they become teenagers. Maybe it’s time for you to start thinking of yourself as a person who is more than a mother. But also think about giving the children you have more attention. You may love the chaos but I doubt that they do. Most people I know from large families say they didn’t like it at all.

Sorry I have got side tracked here. Whatever you decide about the baby please see a women’s health physio about your pelvic floor. You don’t want to get to 60 and find you can’t join your grandchildren skipping, on the bouncy castle or running, sneezing, laughing without damp knickers.

I wouldn't want to be supporting a teen through GCSEs with a baby in the house.

37 isn't too old, but think about the balance of the family and how it will effect the teens. Yes, you and your DH will be able to gr travelling once you are in your late 50s but will the teens ever get a holiday not geared towards tinies? Will you have enough time to listen to them as they navigate teendom when you are so busy with toddlers and babies. Teems are so sensitive and experiencing big changes in their lives.

37 - fine
5 kids - not for me
Huge age range - not for me.

But that's my personal view, for me.

It would BU for me, but others love having lots of kids and no time for themselves!

The real thing that suggests you’re BU in my opinion is that you are pre-empting your babies growing up. The next baby will always grow out of that stage so how will you cope after #5- go for #6? What if you never “feel done”?

At the moment you have two pairs, very tidy and easier to drive around. While your young teens might not need you overtly, they do still need you and you don’t want them feeling replaced or as if you haven’t time for them because your hands are full of babies. (Older mums are more likely to have multiple babies- what if you aimed for 5 and ended up with 6 or 7!?)

it sounds like you have a very happy, balanced home- I would think twice before adding another person to the existing mix.

Go for it! I’m 1 of 5 and absolutely love it. My dad is 1 of 6, and coming from a big family has been the best thing ever. I’m planning number 4 myself later this year.

In my mind, more siblings= a greater potential support network; which is, in my eyes, the best gift a parent can give a child.

I was early 40s when I had my youngest and school run wise I might not have been the youngest but I certainly wasn’t the oldest.

I also think that fitness levels comes into play and although I feel I have become a lot fitter and am carrying less weight than I was 20 years ago. At the time I was still fitter and could move faster than some of the mums I met.

I’m in the camp of you can have a baby at any age.

But don’t underestimate how much your teens are going to need you over the next few years.

DH and I were talking only yesterday about how much more involved as parents we are to our teenagers compared to when they were little. They need so much more from us 24/7. There is very little let up. I long for the days when they would be in bed asleep by 7 and we had a whole 12 hours to ourselves. They also require so much emotional support. Friendship dramas, exam stress, sport support, being a permanent taxi driver. It takes a lot.

As a 47 year old on the thick of peri id die if I had a kid kid to still look after youngest of 4 17 now and I'm about ready to run off to a hut in the woodseats a crow for company. Hope this helps

Age really is not the issue here and really you know that. The issue is you and how you identify yourself. You are a mother thats how you see yourself so when there are no children that actively need to be mothered (in your eyes) then thats it, you dont have an identity. but really you need to wake up and smell the coffee because no matter how many children you have, at some point they wont need the kind of mothering that you are doing now. they will move away they will need a different relationship and dynamic. and so where does that leave you? who are you without this role?

also as others have said 16 -19 can be very demanding because of GCSEs and a levels. I found this as exhausting as having toddlers but for different reasons. This is THE crucial time in a young persons life and they will need your help support and input.

the other thing I wanted to say is something none of us want to imagine but it happens. you currently have 4 happy healthy children. what if number 5 isnt? I really think you need to concentrate on yourself and your role in the world, what you are doing for yourself and to make yourself happy away from being a mum.

Would you cope if it turned out to be nos 5 and 6, or had SEN? Do you really want another CHILD, or are you just feeling sad at the idea of never being pregnant/doing the baby thing again?

@Anotherbaby36

what about investing in yourself now, OP?

your career? Hobbies? Social life? Gym and fitness?

OP I was 35 when I had my first and I'd love more. I think you sound like a great mum and if it's what you and your husband want then go for it. If you can afford to and have more love to give why not. Feel like there's a lot of people being very negative. You mention pelvic floor but that can be worked on.

37 is not old!!! I know someone who was 45 and had a baby. I think you should go for it or you might regret it?!

I was the same age as you when I had my first and now all my school mum friends are around the sane age or older. Actually I think we only have 1 much younger mum at the school in another year to mine. So no, YANBU i think it’s the norm now.

Saying that, the fact you already have teenagers is more the issue. Maybe you should just wait for grandchildren now x

Your age is not the issue here at all. It's the number of children you have. Can you give them all enough of your time? Can you take them all to their hobbies, support them financially etc?

Thank you this is a very good point of view!

Oh my god don’t make me feel old 😭😂

Oh my heart!!

This is so very kind of you thank you. I have my moments but honestly cherish the good and bad times! I’m not ready to hang up my ovaries yet but of course the children I have now must be the priority!

You need to be really honest with yourself. Would you be doing it because you don't know who you are except as a mother and you are terrified of not being needed?

I do have a lovely circle of friends and we are lucky to enjoy date nights, but I don’t have any hobbies! Besides feeding many mouths and changing nappies I wouldn’t know where to start - I also suffer terribly with mum guilt!

Honestly it’s a complete mixture of both! I don’t know how to get past this stage it’s a little bit consuming at the moment 😩