AIBU - DS left out due to fear of dogs

[UnicornDust20]

Hi Mums, I’m just after some outside perspective regarding a situation surrounding DS (7).

He’s had a fear of dogs for a long time now and we’ve never got to the bottom of it. We’ve tried CBT and various other methods with no luck, so we are now hoping that he will eventually “grow out of it”. Unfortunately this now seems to mean that he’s not being invited to various get-togethers with a couple of school friends that he’s known for years.

One of these friends (who lives down the road) had a small family gathering at their house (with 3 dogs) for their birthday party. We happened to bump into the other friend on their way round to theirs to celebrate their birthday. Nothing was mentioned to us about it, however both friends were talking about it at school. The reason for the non invite was because of the dogs. I then found out that they were getting together to do fireworks in their garden tonight. Again nothing was mentioned and their reason was the dogs (surely the dogs would be inside anyway?). I know that there have been a few other get togethers where we’ve had no invite.

I don’t expect an invite to everything as we aren’t glued at the hip and the fear of dogs is limiting, but AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved? He considers these 2 his closest friends but they talk about these things in school and he gets upset not feeling involved. Perhaps I’m expecting too much, and expecting too many adjustments for us 🤷‍♀️

I say this as someone with a lifelong fear of dogs - some people like planning and hosting events, they organise something around what they want to organise in their space. If I don't want to go that's my issue not on them. If you want to host, you need to organise an event before they do. Also what are you doing to help your son get over his fear?

I think this is key though, OP hasn't said that the school friends mum is also her friend.

I have the types of friendship groups you describe where this would totally make sense. Someone will suggest doing something ('Does anyone fancy catching up with the kids this weekend?') and we'll agree a plan. But my son will also be invited to events and activities involving nursery friends whose parents I don't know so well. In those scenarios I would think it odd to offer to host instead, especially if it's a birthday party which presumably will include other family and friends. To be honest, my friends would find it very odd if I offered to host their birthday parties!

What do you expect them to do with the dogs if you’re there? How extreme is your son’s reaction to the dogs?

It’s a dilemma for a host do we tell you we’re having a party but won’t invite you because of the dogs or just not tell you.

I think you need to get ahead of these invites if you want your son included.

AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved?

I think you're expectations are a little high to expect other parents to arrange (and afford) a second party/separate activities at their home because one of their sons friends is clearly not comfortable around their family dogs.

If people know that your son has a real problem being around dogs, then he's going to get less invites over to theirs because they have dogs... That seems quite reasonable to me...🤷🏼‍♀️

Your perceived annoyance about not even knowing about the plans is on you. Are you not in touch with his closest friends parents if they live just down the road or round the corner...? Perhaps, if you feel your son is being actively left out, an idea would be to be proactive and have a conversation and speak to his friends parents and find ways together to keep their friendships close.

So, yes, in answer to the question I do think you're being unreasonable here.

It's unfortunate that he's excluded but they're not doing anything wrong.

Sounds like a bit of a win-win from where I’m standing, too. Get out of hosting. Get out of unwanted invites with ‘sorry, I can’t leave the dog’.

But other people can’t make plans to include your DS on the assumption that you’ll host. You have to take the lead on that.

It’s actually considerate of the parents involved to not invite your son to a house where there are dogs that will upset him. You can’t expect them not to host gatherings.

If you want him to maintain these friendships, make sure you invite the children to your house.

I don't like having kids that are frightened of dogs around my dog. I get worried that they will overreact and get shrieky or my dog will do something like give a paw to try and make friends and theyll start going off that the dog tried to scratch them and then I'm expected to "do something"

If you want these children to do something together you need to organise it. You say presumably they were going to do the fireworks outside - well yes, but presumably they were only going to be outside for short while, the rest of the time they would have been indoors? Also not everyone shuts their dogs away for fireworks.

Dogs are also (whether you like it or not) part of the world we live in, you need to work still on helping him get over this fear.

You need to be proactive with arranging events at your house, rather than expecting them to suggest something so that you can offer to host it.

My daughter has friends who are scared of dogs, so when they come here it's a pain moving our dogs between rooms so the kids can avoid them. We do still invite them and manage it accordingly, but if my daughter asks to have a friend over I do try and steer her towards inviting one who isn't bothered by the dogs, as it's so much easier.

THIS. You cannot expect people to invite themselves to your home- thats for you to do.

I sympathise with your son but equally, I have a dog, this is her home, and if someone doesnt like dogs then it's best they dont come to my house in all honesty. It's noones fault, its just a natural consequence of having a dog phobia. I really think you should be looking into therapy too if its affecting his life this much

Why can't the dogs be put outside or in a different room?

Why should they have to organise 2 separate events just so your DS can attend one?

He (or you) have obviously made them well aware of him not wanting to be in the presence of dogs. They want to invite family with dogs...

You know it was Halloween, you could have organised a party if it was that important tk you. It's bonfire night this week. Have you organised anything at your house?

DS is 7, he's old enough to accept his fear if their pets is going to restrict his invitations
Hes Of an age to try another type of therapy.

Sorry but you need to fix the phobia for the reasons stated by so many.

It isn't hopeless - my dog worked with a child who used to scream at the sight of him , try and run across the road etc to avoid him (and all other dogs) putting himself in danger and stressing his mother out.

For context my dog is 8 inches tall and loves kids - but the child had a phobia.

It has taken a couple of years but the child now gives my dog a treat when he sees us and can cope with other dogs. You just need to find someone who can fix this as otherwise it really will affect his social life.

There are dogs around who are happy to work with kids. Mine is known in the area and used when kids have had a bad experience with a dog as he doesn't jump up but just wags his tail and looks more toy like than dog.

Why would they let you know about a party that he can't attend?

If you don't want your son to miss out then why don't you host. They can't trap their dogs away while your son's there, that's too much to ask. Mine would start barking non stop. I understand how you feel as one of mine grew up with a phobia and it was limiting. Fortunately she has grown out of it now.

There seems to be a modern obsession with dogs. We have neighbours with three on each side and they set each other off. Why are other people expected to tolerate others people's obsessions and not be allowed to have an opinion that basically we hate living in a house with the endless barking? Why should we have to move? Also, dogs tie you down. A friend of mine cant' go anywhere because her dogs chew the place up. Another one, I gave up trying to visit because her house stunk of 'dog'.

For hours at a time while you host a play date? Because it’s cruel. Some working dogs might be raised this way and be used to it, but for a family pet that’s used to free range of the house to be suddenly shut in a room or banished outside is cruel. I wouldn’t do it to my dog. You can’t reasonably expect someone to do it to theirs. Dogs are very much viewed as part of the family. They live in the family home. Why should they suddenly be locked away to accommodate an outsider coming into their home?

I'm sorry your DS/you are feeling left out but I think the other families are actually being quite sensitive, not talking about events in front of you when he isn't invited. Of course the children may then talk about them in school. It may not even be his fear of dogs that is causing him to be left out, though it is likely. You really can't expect other families to rearrange their lives and parties around one small child's phobia of what, to them, is another family member. If you know any friends or family with a very calm, well-behaved dog could you try to introduce it to your DS because this could make his life much easier? In the meantime, you will have to organise play dates for him.

It's polite for them to extend an invite, even if you then decline it. Might even be good for your boy, to give him an incentive to try and be near dogs to avoid missing out. It's a good "natural consequence" (not that he's being naughty in any way, but ykwim).

Alternatively, host round yours?

They aren’t the OPs friends though. They are mums that know each other because the children are friends from school, they are not a group of friends that would be friends regardless of their children.

They have limitations to how they socialise because of their dogs and you have limitations because of your son’s phobia. I can see why they would want to host events so that they don’t need to find dog babysitters, and why they wouldn’t want the hassle of inviting your ds when they already know he will have to refuse the invitation. It’s not really a case of only your ds missing out. If someone has 3 dogs, they have limited their own lives, too, given the huge extra responsibility they have taken on to have 3 dogs in the first place.

1. Depends on the house and the weather.
2. Dog owner then has to ensure nobody opens the wrong door.
3. This reinforces the attitude that dogs are dangerous and should be shut away.
4. Many dogs would bark if shut out and that would probably stress the child even more.
5. Dog owner may simply not want to.

We have dogs, my dogs have actually cured many a child’s fears but my daughter did have a friend who I simply stopped inviting over, having her in the house or the garden was just too difficult. She’d scream and run always an OTT reaction. She was scaring my dogs so I stopped the invites. I wouldn’t arrange separate get together either. Maybe organise for his friends to come to your house so he can maintain the friendships.

Because they are animals.