AIBU - DS left out due to fear of dogs

[UnicornDust20]

Hi Mums, I’m just after some outside perspective regarding a situation surrounding DS (7).

He’s had a fear of dogs for a long time now and we’ve never got to the bottom of it. We’ve tried CBT and various other methods with no luck, so we are now hoping that he will eventually “grow out of it”. Unfortunately this now seems to mean that he’s not being invited to various get-togethers with a couple of school friends that he’s known for years.

One of these friends (who lives down the road) had a small family gathering at their house (with 3 dogs) for their birthday party. We happened to bump into the other friend on their way round to theirs to celebrate their birthday. Nothing was mentioned to us about it, however both friends were talking about it at school. The reason for the non invite was because of the dogs. I then found out that they were getting together to do fireworks in their garden tonight. Again nothing was mentioned and their reason was the dogs (surely the dogs would be inside anyway?). I know that there have been a few other get togethers where we’ve had no invite.

I don’t expect an invite to everything as we aren’t glued at the hip and the fear of dogs is limiting, but AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved? He considers these 2 his closest friends but they talk about these things in school and he gets upset not feeling involved. Perhaps I’m expecting too much, and expecting too many adjustments for us 🤷‍♀️

My dogs are part of my family, I don’t lock them away for anyone other than their own safety. My kids have always had friends round and after the first few minutes, my dogs usually get bored of the visitors and go back to their beds 😆 I’m afraid your son’s fear of dogs is not the problem of others and I wouldn’t change my plans/venue to accommodate. Perhaps try to arrange play dates etc yourself so you can pick the venue and make sure your son is comfortable wherever.

There's so much generic comments about dog owners here, calling them selfish, entitled ect. I can see reason when people feel they take up public spaces but this is literally the dog owners and dog's home in this thread we are talking about. Dog owners cant win at all here.

Op, are you a relative of the birthday kid by any chance because the strangest part is where you say you'd host their party. I'd be very taken aback even if my own family suggested that.

Dog owners cant win on mumsnet. Apparently we must now lock them away too.

Exactly. Nope, sorry not happening. If you come to MY home then you respect how I run my home and whom I have in it and that includes my dog. If you dont like it, then dont come to my home - its super simple.

When I go to other people's homes I respect their choices and embrace them because we arent all the same and difference is good in my opinion. One of my friends once had a pet snake and I am quite scared of them so I didn't visit. It was all fine. But not once did I ever expect her to remove the snake for my benefit- that would be super selfish on my part. I loved that she cared for that snake even if it wasnt my personal choice.

Getting a puppy is a good shout actually. Our puppy cured our youngest of his fear or dogs and they are best friends now. He's also charmed lots of DC friends that were previously wary around dogs because of lack of experience. If your DS hasn't actually had a bad experience then he is scared of the unknown.
You absolutely can't expect other people to bend over backwards with their plans for your DC, it's absolutely a you problem to solve.

OP, you don’t hear anything by about this because your son isn’t invited. So why on earth would you be told about something that doesn’t involve you?

I feel bad for your son, but at the same time, this is totally a you problem- not the hosts’.

If you want your son involved you need to organise your own events. Offering to host for others is just strange.
Im afraid I would not want fearfully children around my dogs in there home .

Oh dear, I think you’ve really had the AIBU treatment here. Haven’t rtft but the first few pages were really harsh! I think you’ve come across as gentle about this and it’s clear you’re not expecting the world to revolve around your boy.

This is so far from how I treat DCs friends! We got a golden retriever, first dog, and I had no idea how many children are scared of dogs. It’s such a shame as various kids stopped being able to come when we got him. Several times I have arranged for our dog to go away with a minder, for sleepovers and play dates. I care about these kids and don’t want them to be scared! Plus my kids want them at their parties.

Gently, it makes me wonder is this about more than the dog? I agree it is a bit mean to organise things without mentioning it to you, if they are close. Is there a bit more to the story?

Invite your son's friends to yours as oten as can. Good balance

As for dogs in general. Numers way ot of control Dont know how people can afford to feed them. Never mind the Vets bills.

Now waiting to see my first dog with a Tattoo ir pierced ears or maybe fur extentions.

Let me know

🐾🌻😻
x

If he’s that OTT about it then yes I understand they don’t want to deal with a screaming child and have the hassle of that. You can use the app - borrow my dog - which allows you to walk others pets and spend time with them when you wish, might be a good idea to build up some confidence or he’ll never get over it.

Invite them to your house?

We recently had work completed in our home and one of the guys was frightened of dogs so our giant breed dog was kept away whilst work was completed over the course of a week. I know she just lies there and bothers no one, but you have to respect others wishes.

I’m sorry, I think YABU

The friends are free to arrange things at their own houses without your son there if he’s not able to go to their house. They don’t have to arrange an additional “dog free” birthday party/ play date etc for your son.

Just invite them to your house, arrange outside meet ups when you are able to.

Ffs sake, what a stupid idea!
pick up a strange dog, remove it from its owner, subject it to a terrified child and hope for the best?
On what planet could you imagine that would be anything other than a dangerous car crash?

You go to the house to spend time with them first obviously duh! Same with any fear you won’t get over it unless you face it head on.

That’s not how it works. Besides even if you were right, if he’s too scared to pop round to a friends house, then going to a random strangers house is even more of a stretch

Whats needed here is a Cynophibia Course. Often run by dog trainers, volunteers with bombproof vetted dogs are in attendance and a programmme of gradual desensitisation is undertaken. We have a very successful one near us that has good results

That’s exactly how it works, I do it with my child as I don’t want a dog and they do. We’ve met some lovely people. No need to pussy foot around the kid he needs to be pushed to get over it.

Never in a million years would I let my dog go off with a petrified child. Arrangements like that needs to be beneficial to both parties, and the vast majority of dogs are not comfortable around scared people. It would at best be very confusing for them and at worse intimidating if the child does a lot of screaming or sudden irrational movements.

Yep and then some clueless idiot would be calling for their blood for reacting in fear.

To reassure you as I also had a son afraid of dogs who had Cbt and we feared we never out grow it - he did! He is 18 now and fine with dogs and all the other things he became afraid of.

Until then, his fear will mean he may miss out. We had family with dogs who kindly and happily put them in another room when they had parties so he could attend but I have heard of many people who won’t consider this and it sounds like your friends are that kind. You just have to accept it.

They are arranging things at their house, they should not be expected to remove the dogs or accomodate people with a fear of dogs.
You need to be on the front foot and arrange things at your house or expect that you will not be able to go to their house.

Dog owners? What are they like???? Oh isn't it cute and funny my dog is terrorising your child, bless it? They could easily lock their dogs up for your DS's sake but they dont because....they're dog owners.

My grandson developed a fear of dogs for no reason. His sister loves animals. He was introduced to a cockapoo puppy - his sister had been nagging for a puppy for a while. It was love. They've had the dog 2 years, now, and his fear of dogs has mostly gone. He doesn't like loud barkers, but that's pretty much it. Try helping him out of it, especially if there is no apparent reason for his fear.

YABU you don't even know what it is you want. You want them to invite your son to events that your unaware of? really if they wanted you to know about said party they would have reached out. Maybe they just dont want you there. just because people are friends doesn't mean they automatically should be invited to all/any events. If you want your son to not miss out on something he was never invited to anyway, you make arrangements. Again maybe they just don't want you there. Regardless if the kids are friends or not. Did you never teach your son that he won't be invited to everything.

Because it is their home and they can invite who they wish, or not. Are you always quite so odd?