AIBU - DS left out due to fear of dogs

[UnicornDust20]

Hi Mums, I’m just after some outside perspective regarding a situation surrounding DS (7).

He’s had a fear of dogs for a long time now and we’ve never got to the bottom of it. We’ve tried CBT and various other methods with no luck, so we are now hoping that he will eventually “grow out of it”. Unfortunately this now seems to mean that he’s not being invited to various get-togethers with a couple of school friends that he’s known for years.

One of these friends (who lives down the road) had a small family gathering at their house (with 3 dogs) for their birthday party. We happened to bump into the other friend on their way round to theirs to celebrate their birthday. Nothing was mentioned to us about it, however both friends were talking about it at school. The reason for the non invite was because of the dogs. I then found out that they were getting together to do fireworks in their garden tonight. Again nothing was mentioned and their reason was the dogs (surely the dogs would be inside anyway?). I know that there have been a few other get togethers where we’ve had no invite.

I don’t expect an invite to everything as we aren’t glued at the hip and the fear of dogs is limiting, but AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved? He considers these 2 his closest friends but they talk about these things in school and he gets upset not feeling involved. Perhaps I’m expecting too much, and expecting too many adjustments for us 🤷‍♀️

I think you are thinking it would still be polite for them to invite him even though you will decline as you know they have the dogs. They don’t ask as they know you will decline.
I can’t see how it would work going to their house if the dogs are there if he isn’t able to be around them at all.
Party, the dogs will just be in house. Obviously they shouldn’t be jumping on him but if he can’t even be in same room as a dog I can’t see how that could work.
Watching fireworks I’d assume they will play in house, have some food and then pop outside for 10 mins to watch while dogs stay inside.
I think solution is for you to host at your house or suggest activities together outside house dog can’t go to eg swimming.

Dogs are more likely to react to people if the get really nervous round them, they are probably trying to make sure their dogs aren’t riled if your son is likely to run/scream etc. it could be quite distressing for the dogs. It would be hard work keeping 3 dogs separate for an extended period. You probably need to host

You absolutely cannot expect people to tell you about every plan so you can hijack and insist you host it so you can make it dog free. Have you done that before? Because if so its why you haven't been invited this time.

I don't like dogs op. But unfortunately I've had to accept that dog ownership has exploded and i either have to tolerate dogs in other people's homes or lose friendships.

There are some people with large poorly trained dogs whom i simply accept i can't form close friendships with

Wow - I think I must be in the minority because I did shut my dog in another room when children were around. I couldn't supervise every child or intreaction so it's safer all round for the children and the dog, as I didn't like her being fed human food. Maybe it's because she's a rescue and I could never 100% trust her, but then you shouldn't 100% trust any dog around children.

But, even if I had a dog from a puppy, and my DC was good friends with someone with a dog phobia, I would go out of my way to accommodate them.

I was going to ask are you sure, OP, this is about the dog fear and not a other friendship issue. But reading through these comments, I can see many would exclude a child if it meant their dog couldn't be 'part of the family 24/7'

Of course they’re entitled not to want to shut their dogs away. But most people would at least extend the invite and then make it clear on that the dogs won’t be separated from the family - that’s what I would do.

The more I think on it, the more obvious it is that it’s about the child and them not wanting him there rather than the dogs.

We have dogs and a friend with a kid who is terrified of dogs. They still get an invite which they decline. Fair enough really. It’s their issue to manage not mine. We do get invites from them tho and the dog doesn’t come obviously. If you want dog free play dates you invite them surely.

My little DD [nearly 3] is scared of dogs - but only if they come bounding towards her or try to jump up. Generally shes okay as long as they are either contained when inside or if they just keep away and give her space and remain calm. It's very frustrating because she likes dogs until a family dog got right up in her face and jumped up at her pushing her over really scaring her. I was just out of reach of her and wasn't able to just grab her and now its an ongoing issue. The dog in question is about 6/7 years old and is honestly just a massive PITA it never calms down and will jump on you first chance it gets. It's spoilt alot of family get togethers because there's no way we can all do things as a group such as family holidays or spending too much time inside unless dogs are properly restrained or we end up just being left out because the dogs always come first obviously 🙄. I understand dogs are part of a family but when they constantly bombard people with jumping and barking and chasing about (puppy age excluded) then they absolutely should be put in a separate room or left out of family occasions. If your sons fear is extreme to the point he cant even be in the same room as a dog even if the dog is calm then thats a different story and I do agree its something you would need to work on with him as dogs are everywhere and his life will end up limited if he cant tackle it. If hes like my daughter and just doesnt like dogs who are constantly mental running and jumping then I think the friends parents are a bit rubbish for not just accommodating him to some occasions and putting the dogs outside or separately during the time hes there.

Are the other kids wanting to play with the dogs as part of the event? If so I can see why they don’t want your DS there.

also how does your DS react when he’s around dogs? If there’s a lot of crying etc then I can also see why they don’t want to deal with it if they’re dog people.

I wouldn’t personally host a kid who was scared of dogs. Mine doesn’t like to be locked away and if he was in the garden for an extended period he’d bark which would disturb my neighbours. It’s also not uncommon for neighbours or friends, also with dogs, to pop in, so frankly I couldn’t be bothered. If I wanted to arrange something with your DS it would have to be out the house.

I would never trust my dog and would shut him in another room. But we use baby gates and our dog would need to come out for a wee at some point. The OPs child would never be in contact with our dog but he would see him and we would bring him through the room on a lead in front of him.

It only works if you only do activities with that group but in reality people invite neighbours, siblings, friends from non-school life, friends of their other dc etc. if I’ve got my sister and her dc, a neighbour with their dc, 8 additional assorted primary age dc from 3 year groups with 5 parents between them coming around for fireworks, I don’t expect one of the invitees to say not only do they not want to come, but they also want to take one of my dc away from the party I’ve organised with their friends, siblings, cousins etc. and I wouldn’t expect them to offer to host for 25 people, half of whom are strangers . Plus, I might not want to leave my dog, maybe that’s why I’m hosting (I don’t like to leave him alone on bonfire night or Halloween and have hosted loads of parties on both nights). If one of my dc says “can Colin come after school on Thursday” I don’t say “no, because James is afraid of the dog” and I definitely don’t say “yes, you can both go to James’s”.

Dog owners are inherently selfish. Once you accept that you can then act accordingly.

We had this with my niece and our dogs. We knew she was scared but the adults insisted she would be fine if they were locked in the kitchen. Nope. One of the dogs started barking (because they didn't understand why they'd been locked away), my niece was hysterically screaming and running around in a complete panic, the other dogs then started barking because they could hear the chaos... The whole thing was an absolute shitshow.

I mean, firstly, that's not necessarily true, and, secondly, so are many parents.

Exactly. They can’t understand when you try to explain the situation to them. All
they understand is that they have been shut away from their safe home and they don’t know why they are being rejected and punished. Hence it is cruel to do it.

you have hit the nail on the head

I know! Although I would be delighted if there was a unanimous family decision that I couldn't host again 😂

My youngest is terrified of dogs, except very old, placid ones. Quite a few of her friends have big badly behaved bouncy dogs. One insists of sending the dog to play at Grandma's house for the day when DD goes round, the rest of her friends just have to always come to our house for playdates. It's never affected parties or gatherings (as far as I know), because nobody in their right mind would have a dog loose around a group of children, they're usually shut in the kitchen or garden.

I have crated my one dog on occasion with a dog fearing kid, I couldn't imagine crating three. I feel also crate trained is better because my crate is in a busy place I couldn't imagine locking up a dog or dogs in a separate room for a whole party - I'd rather just not invite the person with a problem.
We have this one kid thats scared and tbh I don't have them over as much as I do the other kids who don't care about the dog, because it's just easier. Mid week hangout? Literally I don't have to worry about anything extra like keeping dog crated and let her stretch and make sure to vocalise when I'm letting dog out and taking on lead to her food and water regularly etc - dog just does its thing and the kids do their thing. Bonus points if they're also not obsessed with my dog (specific derpy breed) and the dog remains chill, because some kids love to play and wind her up and then she's bloody hyper and it becomes chaotic 😂 ended up at the vets once as kids and dog did karaoke and danced and dog pulled a muscle, she's not that young anymore 😂

But I couldn't imagine catering for 3 dogs needs to make sure they're stretched, watered, checked on, walked out on lead... AND HOST A PARTY just so you can attend? Do something else outside of that party OP. Invite her to yours etc.

Why assume that, if there's a fireworks party, dogs will be inside for the duration of the party? The fireworks themselves will only last around 20 minutes, the dogs can be free the rest of the time.

Reminds me of when dh invited old friend and new (replacement) dw to dinner. First he requested that our dog (v good dog!) be off the premises . Then he asked if our dcs would be out of the house !! Yep, I’m not only sending my dog to kennels my two under 10s are going to go there too…

I feel like there’s no harm in them at least inviting you anyway - and then the decision can be left to you and your DS to make.

I don't agree with posters saying there's more to this than the dogs.

Most of us have had the experience at least once of someone repeatedly declining invitations. In my experience you eventually stop inviting them. In this instance, where there is a specific reason for the repeated declines (dogs) and that reason isn't going away, I can understand why this friends mum would stop inviting OP's son to gatherings at their house.

The onus is on OP to proactively arrange gatherings that don't involve dogs and work on addressing the phobia.

But OP can't reasonably expect her son's friends mum to consult with her before arranging any social events so that she can host them.

Trying to host a party full of kids is hard. Add in 3 dogs and it’s harder still. Add a terrified young child to the mix and it would push most people over the edge!
Being completely honest, I’d be too worried the invite might be accepted to risk it

I really feel for your son but its a difficult situation. We have two dogs, they are really placid and love sitting beside guests, but thats not everyones cup of tea so I warn anyone coming that i have dogs.

When we had our baby and people visited, dh's friends brought their kids, the kids had never been to our home. We didnt know that they were terrified of small dogs. It was even stranger because the friends knew we had dogs.

The kids were screaming crying even when I moved the dogs to the kitchen, I was then stuck in the kitchen, with a new baby and two very confused dogs barking. It was chaos. We have a small house so kitchen was the only option to exclude the dogs.

I'm not sure what these friends can do. I never expect anyone to accomodate my dogs but their home is their home and it works both ways. It's also so expensive to host birthdays out these days, so I can see the value in having it at home.

Gosh. Imagine anyone expecting the world to revolve around them and their life choices….!