AIBU - DS left out due to fear of dogs

[UnicornDust20]

Hi Mums, I’m just after some outside perspective regarding a situation surrounding DS (7).

He’s had a fear of dogs for a long time now and we’ve never got to the bottom of it. We’ve tried CBT and various other methods with no luck, so we are now hoping that he will eventually “grow out of it”. Unfortunately this now seems to mean that he’s not being invited to various get-togethers with a couple of school friends that he’s known for years.

One of these friends (who lives down the road) had a small family gathering at their house (with 3 dogs) for their birthday party. We happened to bump into the other friend on their way round to theirs to celebrate their birthday. Nothing was mentioned to us about it, however both friends were talking about it at school. The reason for the non invite was because of the dogs. I then found out that they were getting together to do fireworks in their garden tonight. Again nothing was mentioned and their reason was the dogs (surely the dogs would be inside anyway?). I know that there have been a few other get togethers where we’ve had no invite.

I don’t expect an invite to everything as we aren’t glued at the hip and the fear of dogs is limiting, but AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved? He considers these 2 his closest friends but they talk about these things in school and he gets upset not feeling involved. Perhaps I’m expecting too much, and expecting too many adjustments for us 🤷‍♀️

This is a "you" problem I'm afraid. The other families are obviously well aware of your son's fear so are not inviting him to theirs. It's not unreasonable for them to want to take a turn at hosting something at their own home. Maybe they feel it's taunting your son in some way to announce it, as they know he won't want to be there. Do both his friends have dogs?

With regard to the firework party, most likely the dogs will have been inside, but you normally spend part of the evening inside and just pop out when the fireworks are lit.

But they want to host. They had family gatherings and want it to be at theirs. They probably didn’t mention it as they didn’t want suggestions of alternatives.

If they are aware of the severity of his phobia then it seem sensible not to invite him somewhere where his phobia lives!

Yeh I didn’t get that bit either. I thought the obvious reason that the events aren’t even mentioned, is because they’d reasonably assume your son would be upset being invited to a party that they knew he wouldn’t attend. They may find it embarrassing repeatedly extending invitations that they know you’re going to turn down. But this adds another angle if your response to finding out about one of their events for their children is to completely take over it and demand it be hosted at your house at your sons convenience

YABU they don't want someone else to host, they want to host and telling you about these events knowing in advance your child won't attend is unkind, so of course they aren't going to mention it.

This, so would you also offer to host Charlie’s gps, cousins and siblings if you’re saying you should be given the option to host his party?
do you have the land to have the birthday fireworks safely?

This. I have pets and it's very much their home too, so if you come round to mine and you're scared of them, you'd have an awful time.

Also, imagine they did lock the dogs away and then they got out? How would your son react to sudden dogs? I think the parents have been sensible not having him over.

This is something you need to work on.

It’s up to you to get in first and offer to host.

They won’t be making plans and then deciding after where to have it. The host with dogs probably just decides ahead of time wants to host something so invites her child’s freind. It would be weird for her to say to you ‘Im planning on having the children over after school next Tuesday’ so that you can interject and invite them to yours instead

We’re a multi dog household, I do put the youngest one away when our children’s friends come over as he can get a bit silly and he’s a Labrador sized but that is the only concession I make because the other 2 would be so sad to be shut away.
I would still invite one of their friends if they were scared of dogs, I just wouldn’t expect him to attend.
A fear of dogs makes things so much harder, my nephew is scared of all dogs except the 2 of mine that he’s grown up with and then he’s fairly ok to share the space but panics if they move, and these are dogs he’s known all his life. If we weren’t closely related I doubt he’d go somewhere else where dogs were.

I have a friend who has 2 kids like this and it’s tough. My lovely old dog doesn’t really do anything - just wanders in to say hello, then will lay down on the floor nearby - he likes to be where my children are. My friend’s children will scream and cry and run around, which makes him think they are trying to play - he will then follow them, which makes everything worse! I can’t shut him away as he will literally just bark the whole time. It’s difficult!

It’s so much cheaper to host at home, and it looks really odd to get Simmons else to host your child’s birthday. I think you need to accept this and hope he grows out of it.

Sorry but they are sensible, one of ds friends is scared of cats. I have four. We don’t invite the friend round much as its unfair on the cats to be shut away in a room. Work on his phobia. They arent being unreasonable.

This is really good advice OP.
It would be good to know what he is afraid of in terms of dogs, is he worried he will get bitten?
I have a therapy dog who is the softest, gentlest little soul and he is especially good with children.
Contact local dog organisations in your area to see if they would be happy to assist with the trying to desensitise.
If people come to my home they don't have to like the dog but they do need to at least tolerate the dog.
I would never exclude him by shutting him out, he wouldn't understand and it would stress him out because he is part of the family and wants to be included. However he is small, calm and well behaved.

Would he actually want to & be able to attend these things even if he was asked? Without them needing to do something about the dogs?

Tbh I would just reach out to the parents and mention that you understand that they have not invited DS to things because of the dogs and that you appreciate their awareness of his fear, but would they be open to organising a few things at your house (ie let you host fireworks for example) so that he can take part, too? State that you value both your friendship with the mums and your DS’s friendships with their children and would like to find a way to sometimes work around his fear until he’s grown out of it?

That said, I would also suggest that you don’t give up helping him overcome it. I was a childminder and had a dog - lots of kids were scare/nervous of dogs when they came for first visits - by the end of often the first exposure and certainly after a few weeks of being cared for in my home, they were all over him. I think some sort of desensitisation programme starting with single, smaller dogs, might be useful for him?

No this is horrendous and needy, don't do it.

They can't really be expected to change plans for you .
Your child is scared of their pets so you will have to host if you want play dates it's that simple. They obviously will not invite a child who they know is scared to events where the dog will be present and it is the dogs home so that is the priority.
We had a child over once who was scared of our cat ( asleep on the sofa) this child screamed hysterically at the site of the cat, scared the poor cat, scared my child and me. I never invited that child back. Sorry but I fully blamed the parents for such an over reaction.
In life you do have to learn to deal with domestic pets for social reasons. I literally couldn't do my job if I was scared of dogs. I enter people's homes and having dogs and cats in the same room is quite normal in most families.

Why is it needy? If you don’t communicate with friends they can’t know that they’ve made a bad call. I didn’t suggest she collapse in a mass of tears and histrionics, just that she reach out. They clearly didn’t want to upset OP or her DS. If I was the friend I’d rather she reach out and we find a way to include DS some times. I’d be appalled to know that I’d inadvertently upset a 7yo boy by excluding him when I’d meant to be sensitive to his dog phobia.

It’s a tricky one, but they are clearly not going to invite him and keep the dogs away, so I guess you have to respect that. An old friend’s DD is terrified of dogs. No reason, she wasn’t attacked or anything. She is 16 now and it’s affecting her life. Her mum said she won’t go out incase dogs are around, and there’s a lot of dogs in the local area. Might be worth seeing if you can help his fear, maybe a friend with a friendly non bouncy dog might help. Otherwise he could end up in same situation as friends DD who misses out on many social things due to her fear.

@CautiousLurker2 you want op to ask this family to let her know what events they attend to host so they can host them themselves? If I'm hosting a party I'd be inviting friends and family beyond the school gates so how would that work? I've just hosted a party for 40 people about 15 were linked to school. It's crazy to think I should stop doing things the way that suits me in my own home became of someone else's child. If op wants to host fireworks night they need to sort it from the start.

Again, by taking up your advice, she would be putting the onus on them to solve her problem. Its 100% not for them to have to do this.

She needs to just invite them over, or out somewhere, also accept her kid is not going to be invited over there and find out how to tackle this phobia.

Sometimes getting a puppy fixes it, but I'd be wary of advising that in this case.

They should invite him to existing plans but not create complete separate events as well as their own plans to involve your son. That would be madness, no one has enough social downtime to double event

No. Jeez. As friends we often say ‘hey shall we take the kids to x’ or ‘shall we organise fireworks for the kids next weekend’. We chat as a group - at that point it is perfectly reasonable between established friends to say - that sounds great, you hosted the last get together, shall we do this one at mine so that my DS can take part? FFS. The attitudes on this thread towards people who are supposed to be friends, friends who have children, is pretty appalling. Within my friend network we had kids with SEN needs and some who were seriously allergic to cats … so as a friendship circle we TALKED and discussed the best ways to include each other. It’s not needy. It’s not demanding… it’s what friends who care about each other and their children are supposed to do.

Why can you not expect this? I have an allergy and am quite fearful of dogs and most people do indeed put their pet away if I am coming over because human relationships are more important. In return, I take antihistamine and deal with feeling a bit crap for a couple of hours in the spirit of compromise and rubbing along together. DH and I fell out with someone big time after she refused to do literally anything to curtail her dog even when we were only popping over for an hour and the upshot is they aren’t allowed to host any family gatherings at theirs because they couldn’t be considerate towards us as leaving us out is unkind

What's the history? Has he been over there in the past and got upset over the dogs? I ask because I was scared of dogs as a kid (still nervous but much better as an adult) and I can see how it would be a nightmare for an adult to manage because I certainly had zero control over my reactions when I was little. A dog approaching me would have me screaming and running away. Which I now know as an adult would often result in a dog thinking we're playing a fun game and start chasing me, leading to more screaming and running and a hyped up dog.
Perhaps they're worried if they invite him he'll come and it will be really difficult to manage? There's no point issuing a fake invitation in the hope he won't come but will at least feel included.