AIBU - DS left out due to fear of dogs

[UnicornDust20]

Hi Mums, I’m just after some outside perspective regarding a situation surrounding DS (7).

He’s had a fear of dogs for a long time now and we’ve never got to the bottom of it. We’ve tried CBT and various other methods with no luck, so we are now hoping that he will eventually “grow out of it”. Unfortunately this now seems to mean that he’s not being invited to various get-togethers with a couple of school friends that he’s known for years.

One of these friends (who lives down the road) had a small family gathering at their house (with 3 dogs) for their birthday party. We happened to bump into the other friend on their way round to theirs to celebrate their birthday. Nothing was mentioned to us about it, however both friends were talking about it at school. The reason for the non invite was because of the dogs. I then found out that they were getting together to do fireworks in their garden tonight. Again nothing was mentioned and their reason was the dogs (surely the dogs would be inside anyway?). I know that there have been a few other get togethers where we’ve had no invite.

I don’t expect an invite to everything as we aren’t glued at the hip and the fear of dogs is limiting, but AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved? He considers these 2 his closest friends but they talk about these things in school and he gets upset not feeling involved. Perhaps I’m expecting too much, and expecting too many adjustments for us 🤷‍♀️

Nope. They dont lock them up because it's their home, their rules. People shouldn't be expected to re-arrange their home just to accommodate a school friend. Maybe if family but otherwise, no. Maybe the friend was given the choice and said he'd rather have his dogs around him than OPs son. Who knows...

I can see your perspective but of course you are viewing things from your / your sons perspective. From their perspective it isnt their responsibility that your son has a fear of dogs including their dogs. Its a lot of effort to host events so to add to that needing to accomodate around a child with fear of dogs in a dog environment is way to much to expect. Rather than waiting for someone else to do the event planning and hosting then be unhappy about it - host your own event then you can do it as you like. You do all the arranging of food, buying of food and fireworks, checking on food intolerances, ensuring the kids have a good time on your terms. Then you also get to choose who to invite (considering whether they will cause you issues and whether you can accommodate around those additional factors or not). This would be the best way forwards. You cannot control what someone else does but you can control what you do !

It's unreasonable to expect them to tell you about things they want to host so you can take over and host it yourself. Or to think there won't be some things your DS won't be able to do if he can't be around dogs and one of his best friends has dogs. The solution to this is for you to host a lot more stuff so that the stuff the dog owners host is not so significant to your DS.

If this friend's parents have never shown any interest in hosting your DS at all, even before they knew about the dog phobia, I can see why you'd be upset about it. I think good parents should try to make a bit of effort for their kids. But at the same time, your DS's phobia may be a bit of a red herring here. A lot of parents of kids this age are primarily socialising with people they like, are feeling run off their feet themselves and don't want to have to make accommodations for others when they feel like they're barely getting through life themselves. They may see a 3 way friendship as more problematic (or their DS may not like your DS as much as your DS likles him). It may be that you (and or DP) just don't gel well enough with the boy's parents and they don't want to be asking you to stuff and making small talk. The need to treat their dogs differently too probably doesn't help, but plenty of kids are left out of invites in this way without there being a "reason".

This.

Our dog is part of our family and lives in our house. I will not lock him up somewhere or force him to be quite literally on the outside looking into people. One of DD’s friends is afraid of dogs, I make efforts to keep him away from her if she comes round but that’s it.

It is a difficult situation,but i dont think there is anything to be done. They have aright to host events and as your DS is terrified of dogs,why would they ask him. ?
And you say you have playdates etc so you are doing your bit.
But your DS fear of dogs cant stop them hosting events at times. Sorry.

Sorry.... 😇

Why break up your child's friendship and make a child feel rejected, because you are too thoughtless to make a simple adjustment for a few hours? Its not odd to expect people to care about children.

One of my daughter’s friends from school has a big fear of dogs. When we have birthday parties I take the dogs to my MILs because I don’t want her to be left out and she’d be too frightened to come in the house if the dog was there, even if we locked it a bedroom or something. They may not have that option, and if I didn’t I would invite regardless as I don’t like the thought of children being left out. I have however come to realise that not all parents are so conscious of what might upset other kids….

Because, maybe, it's not 'a simple adjustment' .

No one is stopping them 'being friends' at school etc

But at a child's birthday maybe having grandparents/Aunts & Uncles there - who bring their dogs is more important to the family than one school friend.

Msybe having their own dog not be shut out is more important to them?

Maybe they don't want to spend their child's Birthday party dealing with a child being nervous/hysterical etc

it's their house, their party, their choice.

Some of us don't have an easy place to take a dog for a few hours. No family around, all my friends have dogs and one of mine has problems with other dogs. Not everyone can pay the high kennel fees for a short stay. I don't mind crating them for a short time but not the duration of an entire party.

There is no need to break up a friendship. They can do other things together outside the home with the dogs. Not sure what kind of simple adjustment you're talking about.

Dd as a child had really severe allergies to cats in particular but also other furry animals. For every invite I would need to ask about pets in the home and decline if there was a cat. Dd was invited anyway even when they knew I'd decline. I wouldn't have expected them to shut the cat out or deep clean to accommodate dd. I think it was kind of them to invite her anyway. I did host far more than my fair share of playdates to ensure dd didn't miss out. I think OP you will need to do the same.

Because a bunch of 6-8year olds can’t necessarily be trusted to not accidental let the dog out, because some dogs would get a lot of (noisy) anxiety by the noise of a party or fireworks on the other side of the door and need to be dealt with, because a 7yo creating around a nervous or excited dog is a recipe for disaster, because a “family party” for a birthday may mean other dogs are invited and the homeowner may not want them locked up together unsupervised, because not everyone has a lockable room to keep a dog (bathrooms are often used during parties), because if someone is hosting a party they should be able to enjoy it, because dogs need to be let out for a piss occasionally. It’s not “breaking up the child’s friendship” - the child can see his friend at school and at his own house and at other activities. It’s not “making him feel rejected” he doesn’t bloody want to go to the dogs house - he’s the one doing the rejecting.

I'm not understanding this. What do you mean 'my point is that we aren’t even aware that plans are being made, otherwise we would host? ' Why would you be hosting if you were aware plans were being made? Hosting means you're making the plans and no one can stop you doing that off your own bat.

Most people aren't going to like it if someone else tries to host every event on their behalf anyway. People like to have things in their own homes. If someone wanted to host my child's party at their place for their child's sake, I'd be, "No thanks."

My son is scared of dogs too and honestly, he wouldn't even be comfortable going to a house where he knows a dog is in the other room because he'd spend the whole time scared that it would be let out by accident. Would your son really be able to relax at a busy party knowing that is a possibility?

We only go to dog free houses or just invite people to ours instead.

Ooh that’s a difficult one .
I am a dog lover. I have a dog , he’s small and very non threatening but I appreciate that many people don’t like dogs , are scared or have a phobia.
We had neighbours pop round unexpectedly and I know they seem very nervous of my dog so we sat inside and I put my dog out in the garden with his water dish and a few toys and kept checking on him ( the weather was mild and cloudy )
That’s not possible with lots of children I think 🤔 and 3 dogs.
But they could make a habit of letting you know every time just in case your son overcomes the phobia

But maybe they like to host and have people around? They know your DS would decline so they don’t waste their time.

i hate dogs myself.

Ah, yes. I see. Thank you for clarifying. I didn’t understand that is what she was saying. It'd be a no from me too.

Either he can be around dogs or he can't. If he can't people who own them won't invite him.

I hope he can say he wants to get over the dog thing, and maybe you could arrange to meet the dog friends in the park so he can get used to them gradually.

Once it's made clear that you and he want him to start acclimatising to dogs then things will hopefully change. But then again your child can't always be invited to everything.

*AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved?

You have to arrange the separate dog free event.

Yanbu to wish that the boys didn’t discuss things at school so your son is left unaware of these invites but having a fireworks get together on the 5th November isn’t surprising if you live in England,

Why would you need to be aware of plans that you cant attend?

It's sad for your son, but kids friends who are scared of dogs are really difficult to manage when you have dogs so easier to not invite sadly.

No because it's the dog's house! Thats like saying. I don't like children, will you put it in a cage while we socialise for a few hours.
You though I'd make you sit on the grass