AIBU - DS left out due to fear of dogs

[UnicornDust20]

Hi Mums, I’m just after some outside perspective regarding a situation surrounding DS (7).

He’s had a fear of dogs for a long time now and we’ve never got to the bottom of it. We’ve tried CBT and various other methods with no luck, so we are now hoping that he will eventually “grow out of it”. Unfortunately this now seems to mean that he’s not being invited to various get-togethers with a couple of school friends that he’s known for years.

One of these friends (who lives down the road) had a small family gathering at their house (with 3 dogs) for their birthday party. We happened to bump into the other friend on their way round to theirs to celebrate their birthday. Nothing was mentioned to us about it, however both friends were talking about it at school. The reason for the non invite was because of the dogs. I then found out that they were getting together to do fireworks in their garden tonight. Again nothing was mentioned and their reason was the dogs (surely the dogs would be inside anyway?). I know that there have been a few other get togethers where we’ve had no invite.

I don’t expect an invite to everything as we aren’t glued at the hip and the fear of dogs is limiting, but AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved? He considers these 2 his closest friends but they talk about these things in school and he gets upset not feeling involved. Perhaps I’m expecting too much, and expecting too many adjustments for us 🤷‍♀️

But op doesn’t have to say ‘let me host your celebration at my house as it’s better for us’. She has to host her and dcs OWN celebrations at their home, and accept she can’t control how and where others celebrate!

Sorry but I think it's unreasonable to expect them to make additional plans if their plan is just a small party at home.

Harder to manage with a group of kids though right? You shut the dogs away and a 7 year old forgets to shut a door or stair gate behind them, dogs get out, much panic ensues.

DH and I fell out with someone big time after she refused to do literally anything to curtail her dog even when we were only popping over for an hour and the upshot is they aren’t allowed to host any family gatherings at theirs because they couldn’t be considerate towards us as leaving us out is unkind
they ‘aren’t allowed to host family’ now? Wow, they’ve had a lucky break with that escape then. Who was the judge and jury of the family to make that call?

So op would invite my friends and family over for fireworks in her garden and provide all the food and drinks for them? And clear up?

Do like my parents did, I loved dogs but was scared of them. So they let us get a dog after being chased up the kitchen counters by a 2 pound puppy and your mum saying what the hell is she going to do just push her away 🤣 being puppy bitten for like a year got me over my fear and has in fact made me over confident with dogs 😅 including stroking barking German shepherds outside of shops and play fighting with Stafford bull terriers. My grandma used to let me sit behind her if we went to my aunts with her dogs (one was a rotti) before I became unscared. My family never let me avoid situations just because a dog was there, they just found ways to make me feel safe around them. Just like you and your son though my mum never knew where my fear came from since as a toddler she had a dog and my nan did that I just ignoured it was only once I hit a certain age I started freaking out when one came near me. I personally think it was the barking I was quite sensitive to noise and big noises scared me eg thunder scared the life out of me but weirdly not lightning.

So the PP who knows her dog would get distressed if locked in a room is supposed to be left to be distressed so you can attend their home? That’s not fair on the animal or their owner surely?

DS is allergic to dog dander from many dogs. We make alternative plans with people that don’t involve the dog and don’t involve the dog being made uncomfy in their own home! I wouldn’t expect someone to not host a bigger event because of him we would just send apologies.

It was just a collective family decision that it’s not nice to leave us out - not sure why this is so strange. I wouldn’t accept invitations to family members house that invited everyone but one branch either

How bad is his fear and where would the dogs go?

I think if the fear is so bad that he couldn’t go to these things you need to work on the fear as it is limiting his life

Kindly OP, avoiding the need for your son to miss out is likely to prolong the fear.
If life is constantly arranged around his need to have no exposure to dogs or to have the consequence of missing out sometimes, he will have much less incentive to try and get over it.

But you’re happy to play the victim/martyr so leaving them out/banning them is a good and righteous thing?.
this is your sibling and you are thee golden one?
Were they involved in the ‘collective family decision’ or did you call a faaammily
meeting (and exclude them)?🧐

I'm slightly torn here. I don't think you can expect others to always arrange their plans around your DC as long as they do include him some of the time, but I do think they should invite you and give you the chance to say "sorry, I don't think that's suitable" although if they've done that in the past, I can see why they don't wish to bother every time.

My DD has impaired mobility and her friends are organising a Christmas ice skating trip. She doesn't expect them not to go on her behalf, and she doesn't expect them to invite her knowing that she won't be able to come. however most of their get togethers do not involve ice skating or other activities she can't physically join in, so it's not really an issue.

Why don’t you suggest they come to
your house? What’s the problem?

They’re not left out. They’re always invited to everything and accommodations are made for their own needs. The dog however is obviously never invited

I’m in my 50s and have been terrified of dogs since I was a young child. I’m petrified if a dog runs up to me when I’m out for a walk and will scream if a dog jumps up at me.

However, I do have several friends and family with dogs, and I do still visit these people. They all know I’m scared of dogs, and are always considerate about keeping their dogs under control, not allowing it to bother me or jump up at me etc.

If the issue is definitely the dogs, there’s no reason why these friends/neighbours can’t do the same. However, it’s a bit difficult to ask the parents why your DS hasn’t been invited. How do you know that the dog phobia is the reason he’s being excluded?

I wonder whether they worry that OP will interpret an invite as an assurance that OP’s son won’t be exposed to dogs (an assurance they can’t/won’t make)? Perhaps they’re worried that the invite puts an onus on them to cater to his fear?

“we aren’t even aware that plans are being made, otherwise we would host”

Well, it’s not rocket science to think they might be having a Halloween/fireworks party. As for a birthday, surely to goodness you’re not proposing to host another child’s birthday in order to accommodate your child’s fear of their dogs? People who have dogs generally regard them as members of the family, and if your son is frightened, they find it easier not to invite him. Had they invited him, what then? You would have known about the party, but you would have had to refuse the invitation because of your son’s fear - you can’t expect to take over other people’s parties simply to accommodate your son: it’s just not reasonable.

The fact you mention trying CBT suggests your son doesn't just have a fear of dogs, but a proper phobia. It sounds like the friends are aware of this and are perhaps trying to be considerate by not inviting him to something where he would be completely uncomfortable and where they feel they would not be able to manage his behaviour. A fear is very different to a phobia - I am fearful of spiders but can accept one being in the same room (though I might keep an eye on where it is). If it was a phobia however then I would not be able to be in that room and it would induce severe anxiety and possible panic attacks. Assuming from the CBT comment your son has a phobia then it makes perfect sense for friends with dogs to not invite him to their house.
As long as you continue to plan other activities with his friends then I don't think he is missing out and you can't really expect another family to change their plans for what they want to host to suit your child.

They’re just banned from having their own parties at their own home for you?.. Nice, am sure they’re ever so grateful you allow them to be invited to things! 😆
anyway enough with the derail!

If your ds can’t cope with being around the dogs yabu for them to have to make special arrangements to accommodate him. You need to work on getting him confident enough to cope with the dogs and perhaps the friends parents can play a part in that. Have you in the past said to the family he doesn’t like dogs?

YABU.

You can’t expect people to tell you everything they plan in life just so you can hijack those plans and do everything at your house so your son can be involved.

You don’t know if the host had other friends or family attending, what’s she going to do, ask you to host all of them?

It’s very sad that your son has this fear but people are entitled to live their lives and make plans. They obviously didn’t bother inviting you because either A) They knew the answer would be no or B) You’d come knowing your son would be on edge or upset and ruin the evening for everyone else.

Maybe it was deliberate 😉

I’m guessing they don’t want to manage the situation (having to restrict dogs) for example even with the fireworks where presumably dogs would be in the house but there would still be the issue of if everyone were inside before and after the fireworks/going in to use the toilet or if the dogs needed to go out for a wee. They don’t want to have to keep their dogs away and probably assume your son doesn’t want to come to a house with dogs.
You can’t really expect people to manage this (unless close family/friends) so the alternative is you arranging play dates so you can manage the environment.

The dogs sound like a red-herring - there are ways of managing kids who are scared of dogs and dogs being at the same property.

Perhaps your son simply isn't being invited because they don't want him there? (Sorry - no nice way to phrase that before my morning coffee).

Its hard enough organising things for kids without having to acommodate a non-family kid with a phobia of your dogs!
Yabvu.
Its not even difficult to explain to him surely?
Mummy, why do i never get invited to Archibalds party?
Because hes got 3 dogs that you dont like sweetheart. Shall we invite them over here soon instead?