If you were once beautiful and have lost your looks, how do you feel about it?

[FouroutofFivee]

I suspect I am unreasonable for feeling this way, but I can’t help it. I have felt awful about myself for some time now.
I wouldn’t go as far to say I’ve ever been beautiful or stunning, but I thought I was attractive enough and could scrub up well. Always got attention when out and asked for my number etc and never had any trouble finding boyfriends or dates.

Now, I hardly recognise myself. I hoped I would age like my mother, who is still stunning and gets lots of attention. But I have aged terribly. I know this sounds shallow and vain but when I look in the mirror I just feel so sad. No matter what I do, I don’t look nice. I keep trying to accept that this is my face and it’s tough and there’s more important things in life. But it does hurt comparing myself to how I used to look. I try to keep other things nice like my hair and clothes etc but it doesn’t matter what I do, because my face is still ugly.

Im assuming I’ll be told to get over myself, and get a grip which is fine. But to anyone who used to be attractive and receive a lot of attention and now has lost that, how do you feel and how have you made peace with it?

I feel horrible. I hate ageing, and I'm sick of people telling me "it's a blessing" and all that drivel. It isn't a blessing. It's absolutely awful.

A lot of it is about confidence.

I'm very tall, slim and always turned heads in my 20s.

I'm now mid 40s, not quite as slim, the face has sagged, my neck looks somewhat wrinkly, I have some frown lines, my hair is drier... OMG eye bags (will blame the kids for that).

But mostly I don't care!! I'm still me! And if people want to judge a mid-40s person for not looking like a 20 something year old then they're not my sort of people.

I do look after my body with exercise and a (mostly) balanced diet (I love fast food hence lots of exercise) and I do a lot of stuff so like to think I'm an interesting person.

I actually feel quite sorry for people who feel the need to have fillers to try and look younger, rather than having the confidence to just be themselves.

The best relationships (friendships/marriages) in life are based on compatibility of personalities, not what you look like.

You can date the most "beautiful" looking person in the world, but if they don't have much of a personality and character about them, you will soon get VERY bored.

I think this is super interesting especially when you realise it's one of the most accessible day to day 'creative hobbies', so much to think about fabric and cut and styling. Also past 40 almost all signalling via clothes is to other women! It's never ever really men who say 'I love your shoes/shirt/perfume/where do you get your hair cut' is it?! You're signalling into a social group, whatever that might be.

I get ya I was never pretty but looked well dressed up and made the effort. however as you get older what worked for you early on doesn't work now. then throw in covid and we all goy into a routine of staying at home. you need to start looking after what makes you feel good ti boost your confidence be it hair done or skin etc. start looking after your skin no amount of make up looks good on bad skin. cleans serum eye cream moutiruser and spf. don't have to expensive good stuff in alid etc or you can go as expensive you want. the difference in my skin in the days not using a serum is huge now. especially night one. make up is light now quick glow promer and light foundation plus mascara and lip blam. I love my hair I can't stand grey so get it coloured get a blow dry once a month and use good shampoos masks etc. I also make sure I exercise most days even if its just a walk try to eat good cant drink as much as used too ( another perk of getting old 🤣) so I buy a nice bottle of wine and that myself to one or two glasses at weekend. I wfh mostly so at home no one session what I were but when I go to office or pit on a Saturday even if its just to the shops i make a little effort to dress nice. I no longer have real dressy clothes but good separates I can mix and match. it may seem silly to people but its those little things that help me boost my confidence every day.

My best friend was an absolute stunner when we were in our early-mid 20s. A real head-turner. Wonderfully kind and funny as well. A real blast to hang out with.

I... was not. Was, and always have been - a plain jane.

Said friend is now a tired mum of 2 small-ish boys and in her early 40s. You can see that she used to be very pretty, but honestly, she isn't really any more. She's just joined the ranks of tired, wrinkly mum in the same clothes she's had for 10 years.

Looking at FB photos of girls I knew from school. It's actually the plainer ones who are keeping their looks, and looking younger, than the ones who used to be pretty... The pretty girls are still doing the same make-up, and have the same hair and style of clothes they were wearing at their peak... And it's all a bit aging and "mutton".

I think there’s something in that.

I was good looking in my 20s, I'm still good looking in my 50s. I haven't lost my looks, I've just got older.

At least you were pretty once

I hear you op. I blossomed in my thirties, called sexy, beautiful, hot….im still holding on in my forties…but im aging, the dreaded turkey neck is coming….and its a struggle, i dont want to be invisible, i dont want to look old….but i cant afford face lifts/treatments/botox so do what i can with sleep, diet, exercise….its depressing, but i also know its a blessing to get older so trying to adjust and accept my aging appearance.

Now, @Kendodd -- while it's true you had your own brand of youthful charm, I'm not sure 'good looking' is entirely accurate...?

LOL!

36 is very young to feel like this and it sounds as though it is getting you down. It would be a great pity if this feeling you have about your looks caused a blight on your life. You are so young and have so many good times ahead of you! If I were you I would find a good counsellor / therapist to talk it through with. This may not seem an obvious solution to you, but please give it a try. You may be surprised at what you find out about yourself.

I was beautiful in my youth. Really strong bone structure. People would stop me in the streets.

Its still there. I old now, but it hasn’t gone away. I don’t have many wrinkles or a sagging chin. I’m just me. An older version.

I have. It happened during Covid. I suspect the vaccines as I developed a mast cell issue and put on a huge amount of weight very rapidly. I was an Australian size 8 (or extra small) and now I wear size 16 to 18.

I don’t recognise myself in the mirror. I’m swollen and bloated sand constantly tired. I am bigger now than when I was 9 months pregnant. I was still in size 8 jeans when I was pregnant and normal size 10 shirts were still loose on me.

I am now completely invisible. I’m ignored by everyone.

I had a career that was quite high status - people listened to what I had to say. Now I’m a mother I’m treated like I am stupid.

I dont really have wrinkles, but I do have lines and sagging on the skin. I also now have dark circles under my eyes and unfortunately I have developed acne. I also have a double chin. I went from a size 8 to a 12-14 so I’m not fat but the weight is on my stomach and face.

yes I miss it at times but its life i do not want to be defined by being that woman who could not accept she isn't what she was. I am no longer particularly good looking or attractive but I have a much warmer personality now and a different kind of confidence so I am happy

I enjoyed my time being young and beautiful I never doubted the power it. Seeing young women enjoying their beauty makes me smile

Not reading the full thread because it'll make me feel insecure, heh. This resonated as I recall first feeling like this at 29. Comments:

1. I was an idiot at 29. What I was seeing was maturation, not disfigurement. Faces start to settle into the structure defined by the underlying bones, rather than being puffed out by 'the fat of youth'. At 29, I was mourning the face I had at 21. Bonkers.
2. There's a lot more expression in an older face. This process is only just beginning at your age; it will make your face a more powerful tool.
3. That said, I'm glad I started getting my head around the natural processes at such a young age. It means that now, with a VERY sagged & wrinkled 70-year-old face, I really don't care. I'm 70, what can you expect?! I'm alive, I prefer this to the alternative 😂
4. In that vein, the only way to escape ageing is to die. Seems a bit extreme.
5. Through my thirties, I spent a staggering amount of money on creams and treatments. They did help - but, mainly, they made me look healthier not younger. Since the effects can only be temporary, I'm not sure it was worthwhile. You could maintain a more relaxed-looking face by raising your meditation and yoga game, tbh.
6. I looked better through my forties than I (arguably) ever had. Having decided ageing's inevitable, I suntanned with abandon (yes, I've got the wrinkles now) and, more to the point, got extremely fit. I didn't look young but did look radiant, was always taken for younger, and felt fucking amazing.
7. My face suddenly collapsed at menopause. This is normal. By that point, I was grown-up enough not to care how far my face diverged from 'conventionally attractive' and had already absorbed the lesson that expressiveness counts for more than plumpness and firmness.
8. It is possible to have a youthful face on an older body, if you have hundreds of thousands to spend and don't mind undergoing frequent, painful surgeries. It isn't worth doing - because, if you are not young, a young face conveys the wrong message and gives an 'uncanny valley' effect. I've met a couple of women like this. One even said she regrets it.

A 29-year-old is STILL YOUTHFUL. You're in a transitional stage. Make of this what you will!

I've never been attractive although I was better looking in my 20s than I appreciated at the time. However now in my late 40s I accept myself and think I look ok. I actually look a lot younger than most people my age and have no wrinkles at all, plus quite nice skin. It's funny how things go. But either way, beauty,if you have it, is really something to be enjoyed for a brief time without attaching to it.

Yes I think the reason why I miss the external validation is because it was just that.. validation. Even if I didn’t feel good about myself, I’d nip to Tesco with no make up and my hair back and be stopped in the line to ask if I had a boyfriend. So it made me think “well I must look ok then” whereas now.. if I feel ugly, I think well it must be true because I don’t get any kind of compliments or anything. Even on a night out no one actually looks twice at me, whereas before, I would be approached. And I feel like if I was in my 50s or 60s I’d understand. But I feel like I should still be beautiful in my 30s. Anyway this all sounds very vain and silly of me, I am aware and feel slightly embarrassed lol

I wasn't beautiful but I was pretty, but it's something I only see in hindsight. So I don't struggle with now ageing and losing that - I struggle with the fact I didn't appreciate my youthful health and prettiness in the first place. I peaked young appearance-wise, that's for sure.

Yeh i hear what you are saying but in my experience its the opposite. Out of my friendship group me and one other look by far the youngest (50s) - and get heaps of compliments all the time and told we look years younger. Interestingly we are the only ones who have had no work done at all, and wear minimal make up. I really believe 'work' is aging. Its a look that just makes even younger women look so much older. My friends are beautiful women, but look odd and shiny and I believe older. I wish they had left their beautiful selves alone, but they say it gives them more confidence.

I dunno, maybe I just got lucky. My mum looks way younger than her age at mid 70s and we are both red heads and she hasn't a hint of grey, me neither. I mean I see the aging process in myself, but so far it doesn't bother me. Maybe when my tits are skimming the carpet I might though.

Not everyone’s cup of tea but I started to feel like this when I was 29 just gave birth to my second child. I started getting minimal Botox, filler and facials and I’m 33 now and feel a lot more content with how I look now. I also have a minimal but strict skin routine.

I PROMISE you OP that you have not lost your looks at aged 36. I think women in their 30s look better than in their 20s, more elegant and polished as opposed to unformed and babyish.

And the reason you don’t get hit on by random dickheads is because they don’t dare approach older more assertive women.