Close friend has gone NC with me over her DP

[Abbeyshome]

I am feeling really upset and questioning whether I did the right thing or not.

I am single currently and was at a gathering at my friends house two weekends ago - a mix of couples, and a couple of us who are single.

My friend’s DP was alone with me in the kitchen for a couple of minutes, we were getting more drinks and chatting politely (we’ve met before and no issues). He made a highly sexual comment which I immediately shut down and he apologised.

I told my friend the next day as I thought she had a right to know. At first, she said she was thankful and said she was sorry I had to experience that. But last week she sent me a long message about how she didn’t think it was a good idea we see each other any more and that she can’t have her DP being around me so she’s going to have to ‘move on’ but wishes me all the best.

I feel really hurt and now have so many things running around my head - most of all, should I have told her or put it down to alcohol and forgot about it. I guess it just feels like our friendship meant nothing and was disposable all along.

Any advice would be welcome x

I understand.
It’s ridiculous because I think if you have the temperament to cheat you’ll find a way.
Limiting your social circle makes no difference.

Some of you womans comments on here..just eww. No wonder men get away with so much shit and will always get away with shit!

She’ll want to believe his ‘story’ of what happened - you did the right thing, don’t beat yourself up!

And once again, theee are people of both sexes who are receptive. Of course there are. To say all women would of course be misogynistic but I didn’t say all.

People always blame the messenger ..always always .
And she has

I agree with this. It's possible that this was just a one-off sleazy comment but this sort of behaviour (and friend's reaction to it) is straight out of the Narcissist Arsehole playbook. It's quite possible that he's done this on purpose to cause problems in your friendship and 'test' friend. Her original reaction will be the true one. Since then, he's probably told her some variation of 'it was just a joke and she overreacted/she started it/I didn't say that/she came on to me' then focussed on 'why did you believe her over me?/ I thought you loved me but you don't trust me/ friend is jealous/ I'm so hurt/ I need to think about whether I can forgive you for taking her side' etc. If he is a narcissist, he's probably already started chipping away at her self confidence and making her feel that she's lucky he puts up with her so she'll be primed to feel she needs to keep him whatever the cost.
Unfortunately, if this is the game he's playing nothing you could have done would have changed it. If you didn't tell friend, he'd probably have kept doing similar until you did say something and/or got so uncomfortable around him that it was obvious that there was a problem. He may have even told her himself and claimed he did it to test your loyalty to her, as he suspected you were after him, and the fact that you said nothing means he was right that she can't trust you.
I think the best thing you can do is tell your friend that you are sorry she doesn't feel able to see you right now, but you still care about her and will be there for her if she needs you. I feel pretty certain that at some point she will see all the red flags waving and really need to know there's a friend out there that she hasn't burned her bridges with.

There's obviously something about you that makes him feel threatened, which I would count as a strength.

I'm reading that message as: " my DP has admitted he fancied you and for my own sanity I need to take temptation away", it says that she cannot have her DP around you, not the other way round. For me, that implies that she knows it's her DP the one lusting over OP. He could have said he never thought of her like that but with a drink, he slipped. Or that he dreamt about her and now couldn't take that image out of his mind. Or whatever other BS of unintentional fantasy that he cannot now unsee/unthink. Prompting OP's friend to put distance to avoid him having that on his mind... And also avoiding them both talking and OP convincing her he's a disgusting tw*t.

Op, its not your fault this guy said what he said. And u did the right thing telling her. At the end of the day, you speak up you're told your wrong, you dont speak up they say 'why didnt you tell me' u literally can't win in this situation, they always blame the woman. If I was you, id be looking at the mirror and being proud for doing everything right. If she wants to be stupid, leave her to it.

Are u ok? Seriously? Get help!

I would want to know I was with a creep,he'd be gone! you spoke the truth, he's vile. All her friends will drop out of her life like dominoes, imagine living a life where your eyes are on stalks watching your OH interaction with all females. I'm not as forgiving, shed be blocked permanently

Ah, classic shoot the messenger, as old as time. You did the right thing OP, if I were your friend I would want to know my fella was an utter creep. To be honest, if she can so easily give up on a friendship, it was a friendship not worth having. Am so sorry that her fella put you in this situation, flipping men these days, getting worse.

I've been in your shoes, twice and one friend was a bit weird with me for a while, the other very thankful to actually know what's going on and dumped his ass. Am old now so nothing every like that going to happen but I would do it again if in the same situation.

She’s in denial. Thinks if she can keep her boyfriend away from women then he won’t cheat on her or something. I’d reply something like your saddened by her decision, but you’ll be there for her in the future if she needs you (if you want to that is!!)

OP you did the right thing BUT Unless shes going to LTB you are going to be the collateral damage. I mean she either believes you or she believes him, or more correctly she wants to believe you or she wants to believe him. She cant have a relationship with you both.

If he behaves like this it wont be long until your friend sees the light. Im sorry but this situation is one your going to have to move on from.

Hi OP, I can only offer advice from a similar situation with a close friend of mine. I was slapped across the arse hard by her 'DH" at a party 5 years ago whilst no one else was watching. I left the party and told my friend the next day. She also told me not to contact her or her children (my godchildren) as it would rock the marriage.
I was devastated. I felt minimised and assaulted but ultimately I chose not to chase the friendship or contact the police as my safety had to come first and I was frightened of him. Last year friend separated from the husband as he had been abusing her and he now has access to the children via a contact centre. I haven't made contact with ex-friend- the bridge has burnt, but ultimately, look after yourself first. Your friend won't listen to you if he is manipulating her and sometimes it takes a wake up call for her to realise.

I think I would have to give her a bit of tough love here.

‘It’s really sad that you don’t value yourself highly enough to walk away from some creep who will hit on your friends and humiliate you. It’s even sadder that you are willing to throw away our friendship because he can’t keep his dick in this pants. ‘

The messenger always gets shot in these situations. Something similar happened to me, but I didn't tell and she found out anyway from someone else and then blamed me for NOT telling her. You can't win either way, unfortunately.

Once again. I am saying your comments are misogynistic - we have a proven sexually harassing predator described by the OP and your thoughts don’t go to his victims but find an explanation that ‘other desperate women’ would welcome this sexually harassing predatory behaviour.

"Pick me chooses dirt bag over long time good female friend". The good news is you won't have to listen to her crying on your shoulder when he starts cheating on her and the whole things falls apart. Don't take her back and enjoy the car crash.

Who needs enemies with "friends" like this?

You did the right thing, but unfortunately the messenger usually ends up getting shot. There is a price to be paid for being the one who tells an uncomfortable truth.

As much as people may protest that they would rather know the truth, it often doesn't work out like that. And you become an inconvenient reminder of that truth.

My best friend in my 20's hasn't spoken to me since the night of her 26th birthday party. I'd crashed at hers after with a few others, but there was no room in the spare bedroom so I was on the sofa. Her husband (not that drunk by the way) snuck downstairs, woke me by attempting to kiss me, and suggested we 'have some fun'. Their young children were also sleeping upstairs to add to the grimness.

This is a man that never showed any previous inclination of being a cheat or a creep.

I immediately shouted, woke everyone up, and told friend what had happened. She was so upset she asked everyone to leave.

I was completely frozen out of the whole friendship group the day after.

I don't regret for an instant standing up for myself. To be honest I couldn't have reacted differently, my anger and disgust was too great.

I've heard apologies from some over the years saying he'd done the same to them and cheated with other women, but I wasn't interested in striking up a friendship with such weak women again.

And once again, I am sure there are some people out there who would regard his advances as flirtatious and attractive. The op doesn’t. He’s a total creep.

nothing to do with misogyny. Dearie me.

Thank you everyone, it’s reassuring reading your replies and I don’t regret telling her. I’m not sure if she has spoken to any other friends, no one has messaged me anyway. I’m seeing a couple of them this evening so will see if they say anything to me about it.

Are you sure you didn't misunderstand and thought he was hitting on you? That would explain his wife's reaction.

Wtf?

What a creep!

You did the right thing OP by telling her.

She is incredibly daft to lose a good, honest friend like you and to chose to keep a pig of a man.

My feeling is that she will be back full of regrets in a few months when she inevitably realises that she was dating a complete asshole...

Your 'friend' is an idiot who prioritises dick over her friends who genuinely care for her, she's no big loss. You did the right thing op, it's not your fault she's stupid.