Close friend has gone NC with me over her DP

[Abbeyshome]

I am feeling really upset and questioning whether I did the right thing or not.

I am single currently and was at a gathering at my friends house two weekends ago - a mix of couples, and a couple of us who are single.

My friend’s DP was alone with me in the kitchen for a couple of minutes, we were getting more drinks and chatting politely (we’ve met before and no issues). He made a highly sexual comment which I immediately shut down and he apologised.

I told my friend the next day as I thought she had a right to know. At first, she said she was thankful and said she was sorry I had to experience that. But last week she sent me a long message about how she didn’t think it was a good idea we see each other any more and that she can’t have her DP being around me so she’s going to have to ‘move on’ but wishes me all the best.

I feel really hurt and now have so many things running around my head - most of all, should I have told her or put it down to alcohol and forgot about it. I guess it just feels like our friendship meant nothing and was disposable all along.

Any advice would be welcome x

Welcome to the world of the single female.
It's not you.

A friend and I, both single, don't get included in events and gatherings (unless graft is needed) because we are single.
Both of us are happily single, not looking for a partner or relationship, but are viewed as not safe to be in the company of husbands because we are likely to tempt them to stray.

Please don't let comments like this make you feel like you have done something wrong, you haven't. Most decent people would tell their friends. Imagine your boyfriend making sexual advances towards your friend and your friend not telling you. You telling her isn't making a drama or 'telling tales', it is being a good friend and looking out for her by letting her know he isn't trustworthy and she is likely to be hurt by him. He will inevitably cheat on her but she has to find out for herself what he is like.

That was really really gross and offensive, and shows you who he is.

By telling your friend, you were warning her. But it's easier for her to dump you, than dump him. It's tough, but you did the right thing.

I'm really sorry you had such a flaky friend - she's really not worth you time or care, if she stays with a man who says that to you. Give it time, and she'll need you as a shoulder to cry on, when his infidelities are obvious. At that point, you could send her the same message.

He will be more successful with other desperate women who love that kind of man because they think it’s flattering. He’s probably found it usually works a treat.

Wow is that what your usual misogynistic victim blaming / abuser celebrating approach to life.

How about he gets a kick out of targeting and shocking women and then as the predator he is progresses from the sexual harassment here to sexual assault of vulnerable women wrongfooted and in shock.

The OP was fortunate IMHO that she was had enough presence of mind and was assertive enough to intervene in time for this sexual harassment not to progress to sexual assault.

You did the right thing OP. What a creepy. I would not be as forgiving of her as some on here.

Of course not.

This is what happened to the OP. It's not what posters who disagree with your comment about 'running and telling tales' would do.

I’m sure there are plenty of men and women who are receptive to this kind of approach. Both sexes.

There are many people out there with very low self esteem or get a thrill from this.

In this particular case it’s a heterosexual man. So he will pursue hetero women.

there is nothing misogynistic in saying he will get lucky sometimes. Some people love this approach and are receptive.

I see you edited out the rest of my post. 🙄

@Abbeyshome , I'm your friend, well ex-friend, and what really happened was you were in the kitchen with my wonderful partner, and because you were drunk, desperate for a man to provide for you and your DC, and a maneater, you made a pass at him.
Having had your advances rejected by my wonderful DP, you then made up a pack of lies about him, out of jealousy and spite. Just can't handle it can you.

See, I know what really happened. Bye-ee!

On balance I don't think you shouldhave told her. After all you dealt with the situation firmly and shut it down. Now you have lost the friendship. But more fool her.

Seems legit

You did the right thing by being honest. He sounds like a creep. However, there is a saying : No good deed goes unpunished. She obviously felt she had to make the choice between you and him. In her mind she could not trust either of you so decided to shut you down. A foolish and cruel thing to do, but it is what people do, especially nowadays. Down the line, he will only do it again to someone else and the outcome may be more permanent. She will need to live with that and, perhaps, what you pointed out to her, will come to haunt her. Ask yourself if you really want a friend who treats you like that? Hard as it may seem, you will look back in a month, week, year, or even decade and know that you did what was right by you. Please find some more worthy friends who deserve your honesty. They are there and now that she has removed herself, she has made room for someone else more trusting.

Wow. Nine month relationship, he has a reputation as a cheater, and he came on strongly to one of her friends. This ex friend of yours has a life time of misery coming her way if she sticks with this prince. She wasn't a true friend OP, and I'll bet she comes to rue the day she chose this man over her friend.

Lol.

Both of us are happily single, not looking for a partner or relationship, but are viewed as not safe to be in the company of husbands because we are likely to tempt them to stray

Blimey. In the nicest possible way, you need better friends, and your friends need better partners!

Yes, you need much better friends.

Unfortunately you are just going to have to deal with it and your friend will learn the hard way that her B/F is a POS. She's not a good friend to you anyway if she's willing to punish you and throw away your friendship for something her b/f did to you

She’ll learn sooner or later that you were telling the truth (which she may already suspect) but he’s doubtless spun it that you were flirting with him, he rejected you and this is your revenge. Or something along those lines. She can’t be that much of a close friend if she’s chosen a 9 month relationship with a known womanizer over you. I think you did the right thing to tell her. I’d respond that you’re sorry to be losing her as a friend and reiterate that you did absolutely nothing wrong; and that should she ever want to get back in touch, you’d be glad to hear from her. (Assuming that’s the case). Do you know if he’s made a move on any of your mutual friends; it’s probably only a matter of time.

Simply put, It’s a lot easier to blame you than him, and he has no doubt been framing his account of what happened encouraging her to do just that.
you’ve tried to be a good friend , blaming you is her choice.
When the exact same thing happened to me, I cut contact because I decided I didn’t want to see her again after she minimized what had happened.

Her problem isn't with you, it's with him. Her way of dealing with it is to keep the two of you apart. She's making a mistake but she won't know that until she looks back and sees it in hindsight. It feels like your friendship meant nothing but the alternative is that her marriage meant nothing, which is a harder pill for her to swallow.

You've handled the situation very well.

Had this recently too but it was racially charged. Friend dropped me as I challenged it later. Annoyed at the time but realise it really is their issue and not mine

No I didn’t edit out the rest of your post - I quoted the whole post but highlighted the specific paragraph which I found offensive and misogynistic in order to illustrate how these sexual predators work.

You were damned if you told and damned if you didn't. If you hadn't told your friend, and it had come out further down the line, she'd have been angry with you for not telling her. You have told her, and like most messengers, you've been blamed. I don't doubt for one moment that your friend's partner spun her a line, and has blamed the entire situation onto you. She now doesn't trust you around her partner, so instead of thinking logically about all the years of friendship, and if this behaviour would be out of character, she's taken her partner's side. Unfortunately, you can't do anything about the friendship loss, other than accepting her wishes. If this man is a known 'player', then yes, it will happen again, and likely he will go on to cheat (if he hasn't already). His comment to you, was probably a combination of alcohol and testing your boundaries. I wouldn't reply to her message. I certainly wouldn't go back and try to defend myself. She's made up her mind, and she'll have to deal with the consequences further down the line, when inevitably the relationship goes pear-shaped.

@Notonthestairs , I'm posting a bit tongue-in-cheek, but we both agree that it must be that.
If you are a single woman, you tend to get dropped, only invited along if a favour is needed, or to make up the number.
If we were single men, we'd be included.

None of the men look predatory, but I am aware of the 'damsel in distress' factor.
I can certainly think of scenarios where an attached man has made a move on a newly single friend.

A lot of the men are trustworthy, and I am old enough and wise enough to know where boundaries are.

It's not the friends, it's society. It happens to widows. You have a group of friends then John & Jane suddenly becomes just John or just Jane. John would still be included but Jane faded out.

Unless you haven’t read the whole thread then I’m quite shocked at the amount of comments blaming you for telling your friend. That comment her DP made is disgusting. I’d kick my DH to the kerb if he said that to one of my mates.

You didn’t do anything wrong and in my eyes did the right thing.

The truth: Your friend has sided with her DP because she would rather lose you than her partner. She’s one of them deluded girlfriends that can’t possibly leave her dirty boyfriend and would rather blame/lose you, the single pretty female that her boyfriend ogled.

I would definitely be telling my friend how hurt I am after x many years friendship but ultimately would walk away from her.

She will be running back one day when he cheats on her, mark my words.

I got ditched by my best mate for telling her that her boyfriend was on tinder messaging another one of my mates. She originally thanked me, then blocked me for “trying to ruin her relationship”