Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

Oh and my kids were given all the best of everything too, wanted for nothing, lovely birthday parties every year, lovely holidays.

They were always grateful for everything and have naturally nice and thankful natures so though they were materially spoiled it didn't spoil their characters.

I'm 50 and I speak to my mum every day, and love spending time with her.

OP, I am sorry you have had so many harsh replies, when it is clear you are hurting. It's true you could be an abuser, but there is no evidence of that in your posts, and as we only have any OP's word for what they say, we have to take it at face value - we can't make up random back stories for every post we read, or the whole thing becomes pointless.

It isn't, however, true that all people do this to their parents. My childhood wasn't picture perfect (certainly no Disney World trips!) but I feel I am a decent daughter - I moved back to my parents' area when dad become ill with dementia, which was a bug unheval and required a change of jobs etc. I see them regularly, am in very regular touch with my mom, and am hands on in my care for dad when needed. My brother lives further away but is still in touch regularly, supportive and often visits. I have my mind made up that I will live with my mother if she needs care in the future, even though it's far from my ideal scenario, because I would never abandon her.

Of my three very close female friends, one lives with her parents and the other two see theirs regularly. One holidays with hers.

Some people are just not very loyal I guess, be they parents or children. But there's no reason to extrapolate that that always happens, it doesn't, thank God.

I am sorry it happened to you though, OP.

I'm sorry your children are t in touch as much as you'd hoped. That must be hurtful?
I am in my 40s and speak to my mum every single day and see her twice a week at least, as do my siblings xx

I think you’ve just given us all a bit of clue why you find yourself in this predicament!

I don't disagree that the problem likes with the OP - I mean anyone who will extrapolate their own situation to ALL mums has her head firmly up her own arse.

But I am not sure what you mean by this? Not goading, just wondering.

I discarded my mother when I was 11 years old!
unfortunately I had to live with her until I moved out at 18!!

My mum was at the births of my children.

I have holidayed with my parents every year including with my dc too.

When my dad was dying from cancer I slept in the hospital with him to give my mum the nights as a break.

Now my mum is on her own she eats with us 2-3 times/eves a week and is here every Christmas. She picks my dc up from school, comes to all their shows and assemblies and is a day to day staple in our lives.

I hope my dc do find their feet and fly away fully fledged and independent. I do hope and look forward to being part of their lives as they grow and change too.

I’m sitting on my DM’s settee with my DH right now. DB and DSIL visit most weeks and DH and I visit more often as we live closer. We didn’t have extravagant birthday parties or holidays growing up but we visit home often because we like visiting and we miss DM when we don’t see her for a few days.

In contrast, DH and I have just been discussing whether we will have to make a “Christmas visit” to his parents at some point in December. They live an hour away and we last saw them in August. My DH’s family did, incidentally, have the best of everything (including extravagant holidays and parties) growing up. Sadly, we find his parents judgmental, controlling and unpleasant and DH decided a while ago, to my great relief, that we should keep contact to a minimum for the sake of our sanity.

I don’t know you and it may be that you’ve been treated very unfairly and totally abandoned… but I’d love to hear your children’s side of the story.

One school of thought would say that this is a good thing and a sign of a job well done. Also perhaps a reminder that while being a mum is important and a big part of any mothers life, they aren't going to be little forever and its perhaps wise to not make them your whole life and identity. Maintain your friendships, hobbies, career, fitness, relationship, passions and so on. Who you are also matters, it's not just about them even if they do have to come first when they are little.

Well not in my family. We were very close to our parents and my sister opted to live next door to my mother after my father died . Before my mother moved to that city I had her (and dad) over every weekend for Sunday lunch and saw her at least once during the week.
My son moved out at 18 but I visit him about once a month (he lives on the IOW, I live in London). I’ve just come back from there. He’ll be up to help get the Christmas tree early December. My DD is away at uni but we speak several times during the week (obviously not old enough to have her own family yet).
Sorry your kids are not as engaged. But not all are like them. I miss my parents greatly, and we were very present in their lives, and up til my fathers death were still travelling and enjoying life. Have to say this seems true for my friends too. They were very much in touch with their parents, visiting several times a year or more, depending on distance and health, though most have now lost them.

My siblings and I moved abroad after university and I feel sorry for my mum especially now we have children. We love to visit her (once a year for one of us and twice for me) and whatsapp every week.

My DH lives very close to his mum and I have to encourage him to visit every month. I think this is worse and I'd hate to have a relationship like that. She believed for years that I was taking him from her but unfortunately it became clear to me that he didn't want to visit due to her moodswings and was using me as a buffer. She doesn't seem to be aware.

I speak to my mum every day. I’m 40 with a family of my own now and she’ll be a (youthful!) 70 next year.

At that age I had one child working around the world the other in Bermuda. It's very strange when you're so far flung from each other. Their twenties and early thirties was a madly busy time for them. I missed them. They came home at Christmas.

You'll just have to wait it out. Would be a lot cheaper for you to pay for their plane tickets home as well.

It's not inevitable OP. I and my sister didn't have an extravagant childhood, my parents were very hard up for most of it, but we both agree that always felt hugely loved and cherished. As young adults we both lived pretty independent lives, not geographically close to our parents and very much enjoying our twenties!! Now we're both middle aged, I live an hour's drive from my parents, my sister about 15 minutes. I speak to my mum almost every day and we see my parents every two weeks as a minimum, often more. My children are extremely close to my mum and dad and I love them to bits! My sister obviously sees them more often as she's closer and has a similarly close relationship with them. It's never too late OP. If you want a change, try to make one. Your son is close by, why not visit him more often if you'd like to see him more? And why not get into the habit of writing to your daughter, or texting briefly a few times a week? It doesn't need to be a huge conversation to feel close. Good luck x

Absolutely every parent will screw up. Philip Larkin was on to something. But even then we might love our parents. I’m happy to accept that the op was as ordinary as possible who’s raised happy independent young adults with busy lives.

In your experience.

I hear from my kids most days. They help around the house with the animals and DIY, they message just to say hi, they ring or tell me their news, they are amazing children and we all love each other very much.

I’m 28 and I talk to my mum every single day. I’m married with my second child on the way so I haven’t started my own family and forgotten about her. She is my best friend, my absolute rock and the first person I want to go to with any good or bad news. There has to be reason they don’t want to bother with you. My mum has been there through everything, supported me financially when I’ve needed help, given me the tough love when required (awful ex boyfriends that she was ALWAYS right about!), always made me feel confident in myself to believe I can do whatever I set out to do. I wouldn’t be the mum I am if it wasn’t for her. Maybe that’s how you keep your children wanting contact with you, everything you have mentioned is materialistic not about how you actually treated them. I should also add we live 3.5 hours away from each other for the last 10 years so even distance can’t put anything between our relationship.

*^^

But she's moaning about her children, and went on to try to extrapolate her own misery to everyone else, which tells me a different story.

To me, her post reads like she thinks she was an amazing mother and wants it to be true that other mums will feel miserable about their treatment by their kids.

Her own words turned me off her altogether which is really why I didn't bother trying to spare her feelings.

I definitely screwed up plenty, have apologised for that which I could not fix and we all moved on. My kids also wanted for nothing and were materially spoiled - but remained thankful and grateful. My adult kids still enjoy my company and choose to make time for me.

It's pretty rare that all (or both) adult kids are unkind to their mother for no reason. So either she's making a mountain out of a molehill, or she has been very unlucky indeed or (and given the way she worded things I am opting for this) the OP is the problem.

It sounds like you’re unhappy with how things are. Could you try to put your pride to one side and continue to make the effort to reestablish that connection?

Thats really sad OP and i am sorry its ended up that way for you. Its half true in my family. My mum and I message most days, speak at least once a week and she comes to stay with us every two months or so for 1-2 weeks at a time. She hardly hears from my brother tho. My DH messages his mum loads and we see her every other month or so, she comes to stay with us or we visit her. Its not inevitable for everyone

You said it yourself. They're busy with their own lives. It doesn't mean they don't care, you said yourself they're grateful, and they do see you, just not as much as you like.
The fact they're out there enjoying their lives and still like being around you is a good thing, surely?
It means you've done your job well.
Sounds like you need to rediscover you, find yourself some hobbies and do things for yourself more. I love being with my now older kids, but love the fact I can do stuff for myself more too now 😁

Wait till it's granny time, they'll be like limpets

I think as a mother you do your very best for them to prepare them for an independent life. You have them until they are 18 or leave home, and then you set them free. At that point you focus on yourself and any time/contact you get with them is a bonus. They are not obliged to spent time with you, they need to get on with their own lives. They don't owe you anything. My daughter (almost 14) is my world. Everything I do is for her and in her best interest. However, I know that I only have 4 years left and then potentially she will fly the nest and I will need to reinvent my life without her needing me or having much time for me. That's the way life works.