Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

Your children are supposed to live their own lives when they are adults. It doesn't sound like they rejected you or cut you off, they are just having their independent lives.

OP I am sorry you feel like this but you seem to have a very transactional view of parenthood.. extravagant holidays and birthday parties do not make for a good childhood .

Respectfully, I think it's weird to resent your own children for not staying on the apron strings and instead going on to have normal, busy adult lives of their own. My MIL lives less than an hour away and we see her maybe 6 times a year. My own mum I see every couple of years or less because I moved overseas. It's nobody's fault. Is the problem that you would like to hear from them more? I message my mum a few times a week and video call with her once every week or two. But whatever you do, don't guilt-trip them and act like your whole happiness depends on them. From my own experience, I find it hard to contact my mum sometimes because I feel this huge weight of expectation centred on me. I would absolutely call her more often if she were happy in her own life and had her own stuff going on.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad It depends on the children.

I gave up everything to care for my parents because I loved them, their home was the best place for them and I didn't want them in a care home.

My brother, once he got married, pretty much never saw hide nor hair of them in the way you describe.

We both were raised in the same home.

The basic point though is having children BECAUSE you expect companionship and support and love from them for life is one hell of a gamble that may or may not pay off. It has very little to do with parenting.

The best parents may have a child who falls for and marries a man who lives in Australia or one who gets the job of their dreams in Alaska or one who marries a daughter-in-law who can't bear their inlaws. The best parents may have a child who dies unexpectedly young. All sorts of moveable factors.

Generally (sweeping generalisation but broadly true) girls are better than boys - a daughter's a daughter all her life a son's a son til he gets a wife - but there are no guarantees in life.

I have the best parents and its a privilege to help them and love them as much as they loved me but I'm very lucky.

Not all of us. I'm very grateful to my mum and we are very close.

Yes I got probably more distant in late teens as I grew up and was independent and going out all the time.

But they do come back. I mean some might not. But I did and many do.

You can't help feeling how you feel OP. I think this definitely seems to be more common when children choose to do a degree, as once you move to a different town/city, you can't help putting down new roots and building a life apart from your family. When kids do apprenticeships or do the college into work route, I think maybe its easier to stay close to your parents as you have grown into becoming adult whilst living with or near them. Moving away at 18 is quite a big step and it must be strange to come back so newly independent, which of course you've done out of their sight/experience. Must be jarring for both parties.

They might be back when they have their own children . Then they realise the importance of family relationships and appreciate what you did for them when they were small . 20’s are for discovering your adult self and it’s all very selfish and the world is new and exciting . Give it time . I think you should visit your son more ..

Me too!!!

sorry this are tough for you at the moment Op with the kids. I think this is more common than we know. It’s enviable kids grow up and have their own lives. We want this for them. But I still think it’s nice to hear from your kids…
so I adopted an elderly lady as a friend. She has a very posh family living in London. She is summoned when required for help and then ‘discarded and was in tears in as neither kid wants her at Christmas this year! This only came up in conversation as I said to her I am going to organise myself better this year and have it all done before end of this month so I can enjoy the festive season without the shipping/rusjing around and frantic gift wrapping and she said she doesn’t even know where she will be going! Poor thing was quite tearful.

I am unfortunately like a rash and have yet to leave own mother alone. We live in different countries and at my old age I still need to run things by her!! (Much to her annoyance)

I am going to slightly reframe this.

There is more of an expectation on girls to remain close to home, as they are socialised into taking more of a caring role by society.

That doesn't work for all girls, and women that resist that expectation are labled both as difficult and as ungrateful by their parents.

If you have children because of companionship for you, that is selfish. You should be builiding a life for yourself outside of them so you don't have to depend on them for compainionship.

I'm sorry that's your experience but it's certainly not mine. I've just spent the weekend with my daughter and I'm seeing my son tomorrow night. We love spending time together and often laugh so much we're crying. Keep communication open and don't judge and they'll be in your lives forever.

I think there are missing missing reasons here. If you were that great I’m sure they’d make effort. Do you make the effort?

my gran is in a care home yet my mum visits twice a week and I go once a week with my toddler.

There is me and 2 more sisters. I’m oldest at 40, youngest 27. We are in a group chat and normally chat every day in it. I speak to my mum at least every other day. As well as see her once or twice a week.

My parents didn’t give me the best of everything or throw extravagant birthday parties. They gave me the best education they could, love and a set of solid values. They got things wrong too - they’re only human.

There were times we spoke less (when I was in my early twenties having fun!) but we’re all still very close. I see my mum weekly, stay over with my daughter, we go on family holidays and trips, celebrate milestones. It’s very lovely.

You’ve clearly done a good job in raising two independent adults, who are living their best lives. I’m sure they’ll be back when they decide to have children and need childcare 🤣 but honestly they’re living their best lives right now and I’m sure both love you very much.

I never took my children to Disneyland; not even once. Chance would be a fine thing if they left home at the ages of 30 and 26!!

Damn why I take them to the land of Mickey Mouse ?

Unfortunately, totally normal. Children are selfish idiots, most of them. To my shame, I did not understand or feel so many things until I was in my late 20s - I am ashamed now. They will understand, sooner or later what you did for them, when their own offspring disregard and ignore them - how does that saying go? 'Our grandchildren will avenge us'.

I think it is unfair that when your daughter has chosen to live abroad that you take that to mean you are discarded.

My brother left to live abroad at 26, I left to live abroad at 27, both of us maintain great relationships with our parents.

We have one long video call a week (1-2 hours), plus texting or emails. We try to get together when we can for holidays and visits.

You just make it work, there is no point feeling resentful that your children are out in the world living their lives.

My children don’t contact me as often as I’d like but I take great pleasure in the fact I’ve produced independent, highly functioning children who don’t need me. If they’re doing something more fun than seeing me I’m happy for them.

You know those narcissistic mothers/MIL we hear about so often on MN....

My parents beat the crap out of me for minor misdemeanours when I was young. In some respects they were good parents but I wouldn't say they gave me 'the best of everything'.

Now they both have dementia. Yesterday I did their shop, fed my mum and put three loads of washing through for them. Tomorrow I'm shepherding them round the garden centre.

There was a phase when I first left home that I had fairly low contact with them, but I think that was a reaction to being free of the negative parts of the relationship. Since my late 20s I've always seen or phoned them several times a week.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad Hopefully yours will 'come back to you' when the time is right.

I’m sorry to hear this but I think most people will say you spoilt them. If they had the best of everything then perhaps they weren’t made to wait for or work for things. Did you just give and expect nothing back? My kids had great holidays and a good life but I instilled in them gratitude for their life, for gifts from family, to be kind to everyone no matter who they were.

Are you a fun person to talk to? Do you have any interests in common with your adult children? Or is the relationship all guilt, expectation, and obligation? If you actually get along with them adult-to-adult, then it’s very unlikely to be “discarded”.

Your children are at an age where they are looking away from their parents - this changes when they have kids of their own and become more grown up.

I think that late 20s was probably an era I didn't 'need' parental advice and was really moving on my own path.

Their childhood was your parenting gift to them - you did the right thing - even if you don't become close again you can remember that time and just be accepting of things being different now.

I bet they do return to you though.

Not having read the thread I can nevertheless imagine many posts pointing the finger at you (you’re to blame somehow as everything is the mothers fault) or helpfully telling you about the amazing relationship they have with their children.

However, I do know of friends who absolutely knocked themselves out for their children and yet are seemingly ignored or dismissed as the children became adults. Some have turned on their mothers influenced by the fathers in some cases or picking up some toxic mother internet narrative. Some do not appreciate their mothers until they become parents themselves.

If your children are happy successful adults, that’s a brilliant job done. Think about fulfilling your life independently of them and/or wait til they have children and/or tell them you’d like to see more of them.

With respect, you can never know the ins and outs of the relationships involved - sometimes parents can try very hard but still do harm.

I only here from my mum if I message her she never rings or message me her other half can drive she never comes to see me it’s always me that got to go to her she wanted to be apart of my little ones life cause she didn’t bother with my older 2 but she doesn’t bother.so it works both ways