Warning to all mums

[ILoveHolidaysAbroad]

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

Thanks for this post. My kid is in their teens. I do notice that whatever habits are consistently repeated in childhood tend to be still there in adulthood. I didn't insist on family time with my kid TBH, it just happened but I do wonder now if it is a skill that has to be taught. I.e. insist on time aside for family ongoing. ..Or maybe it varies from child to child 🤔. My teen doesn't spend much time with me nowadays but they do come looking for me when hungry and for a chat

Have you considered marrying into a family that owns a caravan park and then letting them live there for free as long as they come to Sunday dinner every week? If they miss it be sure to threaten to evict them. #MNLifeHacks

Personality plays a huge part in this too.
My parents did what they good. Nothing amazing, nothing terrible. Like pretty much all my friends' parents.

But my dad has never really interested in talking with peopke- he likes to talk at them.
I didn't really have anything in common with my mum, so as I got older and got a career and decent dh, it became harder to keep a conversation going. Her life was very small and she had no interest in anything outside that. And it was so boring. I see other family members more, because they're more fun.

So I basically left and rarely looked back.

I have no idea which way my dc will swing. But if they leave and never come back, that's up to them. They don't owe us anything.

"The best of everything" "No expense spared" "extravegent birthdays" and "multiple holidays to Disneyland" doesn't guarantee devotion. Those alone aren't what builds a relationship and making them part of the situation sounds incredibly transactional.
I'm am sorry that you are feeling hurt but to feel you have to warn all mums about being discarded is a pretty melodramatic and I'd wonder if that was a common theme in your relationships. Do your children know you feel 'discarded'? That's quite the burden if everyone is just busy. You said yourself that you work 7 days which infers that you expect them to bend over backwards to find a moment you're not busy.
A couple of mine are not great with contact but neither am I really. I don't expect them to make all the effort, they are out there really living their lives, but I've never felt anything but loved and appreciated by them. We are close and that is not affected by how often they reach out.
Maybe a bit of self reflection is needed. Not because it's 'all your fault' but more to understand whether you are just wanting a 'gap' filled and placing that on them in your mind. Especially since you 'did so much' for them. Maybe it's time to develop a new mindset and reframe this rejection you feel. Think about what you really want from your relationships and work on that with a new attitude and new gameplan that suits everyone.

I have read the thread and agree totally with this post.
All families are different and all children, whether young or adult, are different so other people posting about how close they are to their parents or children is completely irrelevant.
My children are all adults now and we are all closer since the arrival of grandchildren and my retirement. I suspect you may be in the phase of distance caused by the sheer busyness of everybody's lives but agree with the suggestion of filling your life with things that give you happiness and, hopefully, they will come closer with time

There's no where that costs £10k to fly to unless you're flying business/first class.

We took two adult children to Australia for two weeks and all in was under £10k. 4 adults, two lots of accommodation, spending money, all flights and internal transport.

You could travel on your own to see your daughter and stay with her, so it's basically the cost of the flight and a few hundred pounds for food and local transport.

Yes, I agree with this op.

It was hard to know what to think or say after your first post as there was no detail as to age, situation etc.

I do think that, given you are relatively young to have dc this age, and have an active, busy, working life, they certainly won't be worried you are sitting at home needing company.

They are at a busy phase of their life and, while you were clearly more settled at their ages, many people now in their 20's are still finding their feet really. I think a bit of distance from parents is important in that - and it is why nature makes our teens decide we are cringeworthy and boring! It's a natural process of breaking away. I do accept they are getting quite old for that, but not outside the more protracted timescale modern society tends to allow for it.

I am sorry that you miss them and would like them to see more of you, but you are definitely at a stage of life you should be busy and doing your own thing too. My dc are younger and , while they are my great joy, it must be quite nice to be a bit free at your age as well? Kick your heels up op, keep talking to them, and I'm sure they will recalibrate back towards the family base as they get older. I talk to my mum almost daily since I became a mum. as I relate to her so much more. Getting older and maturity go a long way towards appreciating your parents, and seeing them age increase our protective instincts towards them in a sense too. I think your dc are just taking their time with that maturity process.

Were you in your 70's and they had families etc, I'd be thinking it was more unusual.

Not trying to put the boot in but literally everyone I know either has good relationships with their parents or wishes they did but don’t because of their parents. Perhaps my parents say things like this & done understand why we have a very limited relationship. I had a miserable emotionally neglectful childhood and whenever I aloof to this they shut down and deny. So we’re quite distant. Being a good parent isn’t about Disney, it’s about emotional connection and support

I have 3 children, all adults now .
One is busy with work and a small child but keeps in touch as and when she can ( doesn’t live near us at all )
Another we barely hear from ,and the youngest needs me all the time !!

I think they will be closer to you in later years, they are still in their 20’s and enjoying their youth as they should, they’ll be back

I think you are my aunt! I so recognise my youngest cousin in that description!

This!
With my in-laws I have made so much effort over the years to invite them to things etc. Now we have children, they never message and it hurts. So maybe your children feel like they wish you would be more involved?

I definitely was less in touch with my parents in my twenties. I moved away, started my career, was finding my place in the world and probably saw them a few times a year. Then I got married, had kids, moved across country and they came with me. We now live 5 mins apart, speak daily and see each other a couple of times a week. They come for lunch every Sunday and we go on holiday together in the summer, it’s lovely and I’m really glad I get the chance to have this relationship with them - but I had to go off and grow up and into my adult self first. Your kids will probably (hopefully!) come back to you, it’s the phase of life they’re currently in.

OP says she works 7 days a week running her own company which begs the question of when she would fit in regular meet-ups?

I hope you have realised now that children do not appreciate fancy holidays & expensive possessions. Those things don't matter one bit. I never had these things growing up but I was always very close to my parents. I've also raised 2 wonderful young women with the same principles who have their own lives but I support them at every turn and I'm still very close to

Op it's so awful both ways isn't It
My DM was quite discarded and I could see when she interacted with my siblings that they just didn't get her. They missed all her jokes ,her humour etc and I used to seem them getting visibly irritated with her.

I just think they were extremely different people with totally different interests in life.

Then with DH I can see his mum did washing and looking after but it came with strings and much martyrdom. Also suffocating doses of negativity and misery. But I'm sure she doesn't tell her friends that when she says she doesn't see him ! Maybe she doesn't even realise she does it. As he grew more and more distant she never changed.

Is your DH their dad? And did you do things as part of a big family group when they were growing up? Like big group Christmases and did you spend time with their grandparents when they were growing up? I think that often has more bearing on them wanting to build the same. No accusations meant by that as it isn’t always possible but I imagine that is what influences this.

I agree. I doubt they have discarded the op, they are just living their lives.

We don't own our children.

OP, get some counselling if you are feeling down.
YABU to post such a post and even more so giving it that heading.

Whenever I have coffee with my aunt she gets about three calls from her youngest!

Dry-cleaning needs collecting, is mum going past? Can Dad come and fix the dishwasher - and actually can she come for dinner because she hasn't got a working dishwasher?

Your children will appreciate how much you have done for them when they have kids of their own. Speaking from experience!

If they cut you off completely, there must have been something seriously wrong with the relationship you had with them

I do feel that sometimes. No fallings out, just that they get so engrossed in their own lives parents are very low on their list of priorities.

I like this one better than the OP statement. :) fwiw I think as kids grow up and become independent and have their own families it becomes hard for some parents to still feel included in their "childrens" lives. But those who continue to try to maintain and support this ever changing parent / offspring relationship have better outcomes. Those that make the effort on both sides have it better (at least that's what I think).

My parents never saw me as a grown up. They continued to treat me as a child and demand my attention when it suited them even when I had my own family. They still thought they should be the number one people in my life and never understood that my grown up life was not all about them. I think healthy relationships between parents and their one time kids are hard, require effort on both sides, need a lot of work, need to essentially be maintained.

People need to be able to recognise when they are wrong, apologise sometimes and have mutual respect for eachother. When some or all of the above break down it's sometimes easier to not bother. The parents ultimately get older and retire, their lives often slow down and perhaps sometimes they can forget how hard and all consuming having a young family, plus often a job as well, can be. Be kind to eachother.

Possibly my favourite thread lately! Forcing guests 😂

My sons are 22 & 24 I help with running to work always do their washing cook I don't see that as spoiling it's just a way to show love it's what we're suppose to do.
I do it naturally not expecting anything in return except normal respect.
Mine are both still at home and saving for their own places.
I will be so happy when they feel like they don't need me.
It shows as a mum you have done a great job.