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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Warning to all mums

512 replies

ILoveHolidaysAbroad · 03/11/2025 21:17

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

OP posts:
PinkPonyClubb · 04/11/2025 20:47

Maybe I am missing the point but I thought I was raising my little ones to be independent and live their own lives? Of course they will go off and leave me, I want them to grow! Of course it’ll be hard and I’ll cry but not to them and I’ll know my job is done to see them independently, confidently thriving.

ChopstickNovice · 04/11/2025 20:54

My brother and I speak to our mum on the phone at least once a week and see her 3/4 times a year minimum. We haven't discarded her at all.

cloudtreecarpet · 04/11/2025 20:57

Isn't it down to your age?
You say you were a young mum & are still working so your children probably assume you are quite busy & still young enough to be enjoying life.

If you had had your children later, say late 30s ,and were now getting towards 70 & were retired it might different?

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 04/11/2025 20:58

I was maybe a bit like you describe in my 20s. I adore my parents and I went home for Christmas and Easter etc but day-to-day I didn't chat to them much. As you say, I was busy being young and carefree. And when things did ever go awry I just didn't want to worry them when they were so far away and couldn't really do much.

I know my mum was upset by it but she was very measured and calm in telling me that she would love to hear from me more. I regret that I wasn't more in touch but if she'd thrown a pity party and told me she felt "discarded" it would only have put me off contacting her as it would have felt like an obligation rather than a genuine connection.

Now I have my own DC and I've never missed my mum more! I call at about once a week and we can talk for hours. And I travel back far more often even though I've moved to the opposite end of the country since!

These things can come and go with the seasons of life. Don't take it so personally. It only becomes about you when you make it so.

Barnbrack · 04/11/2025 21:01

ILoveHolidaysAbroad · 04/11/2025 10:17

Just catching up on comments. So to answer a few questions...they are 27 & 29 years old. I am a young Mum, I was 45/46 when they left for Uni. Son has never been back and settled in his Uni town, which is just 40 minutes away. I do go to see him when I'm not working, but I work 7 days a week usually in my own business. I maybe see him 4 times a year. He has a very busy social life. Daughter came back after Uni for a year, which was lovely. Then she moved abroad and is still abroad. Me and DH have visited twice. It's long haul and incredibly expensive, so not something we could afford every year (costs ÂŁ10k each time).

Did you work 7 days a week during their childhood?

Barnbrack · 04/11/2025 21:02

PinkPonyClubb · 04/11/2025 20:47

Maybe I am missing the point but I thought I was raising my little ones to be independent and live their own lives? Of course they will go off and leave me, I want them to grow! Of course it’ll be hard and I’ll cry but not to them and I’ll know my job is done to see them independently, confidently thriving.

Yeah. I'm hoping they'll grow up and make happy and independent lives.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 04/11/2025 21:04

I don't see as much of my adult children as I would like but that's because they have busy, productive, happy lives with jobs and hobbies and partners and friends. I consider that a win.

I'd be concerned if they were round here all the time and hadn't become independent.

Their role as adults isn't to be my constant companion. I need to make my own life.

DoubleFunMum · 04/11/2025 21:12

JudgeBread · 03/11/2025 21:27

I'm sorry you feel this way, but your children having lives and families isn't a bad thing.

This kind of self indulgent woe-is-me thing is really draining though. It's how my aunt talks to my cousin and my cousin barely sees her as a result - it's too exhausting.

Meanwhile I see my mam at least once a week, usually more, because she's never expected anything of me but being happy. Maybe you're putting the responsibility for your happiness on your children too much and they're finding it wearing?

Yes, this! My MIL uses emotional blackmail to try to see more of her son and grandchildren. But it's never enough! Nothing is good enough and she is hard work to spend time with so they try to minimise it as much as possible while still 'doing their duty'. My parents, on the other hand, we willingly see weekly and love their company. They're very much integral to our everyday lives, adored by their grandchildren and kept close as a result.

AlltheHedgehogsontheWall · 04/11/2025 21:12

So you fulfilled your role as a parent to the children you chose to have and then they became adults and now have their own lives, whilst staying in touch with you and seeing you when they can.

I do not think any mother reading this is going to be shocked to learn that expensive holidays do not prevent your children from becoming adults.

shuggles · 04/11/2025 21:13

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad There are many people who don't have families though. Some of us were not able to have our own family- I'm among them.

GinaArena · 04/11/2025 21:16

ILoveHolidaysAbroad · 03/11/2025 21:17

No matter how wonderful you make your children’s upbringings, they leave and never look back. I did it all for my kids, the best of everything, no expense spared, I worked very part time to be there with them, they had extravagant birthday parties and holidays to Disney land multiple times. Now they are adults and I hardly hear from them. No fall outs. But they just make their own new families and you become discarded.

I hear you. I see mine but not regularly due to them being so busy with their lives. I’ve just had to accept that it’s just the way it is for me and my husband. It does feel hard (and I have been sad about this) when I see families doing things together.

UniDaysAcoming · 04/11/2025 21:20

What about your mum OP? What kind of a relationship do you have with her and how often do you see her?

SplishSplash123 · 04/11/2025 21:21

Isn't that the point of being a mum - you raise them, they no longer need you, you let them go? If they want to, they'll keep you in their lives.
You don't get to dictate once they're adults.
Maybe this is a warning to mums that you reap what you sow...

myfourbubbas1 · 04/11/2025 21:21

But at least your children will have wonderful childhood memories! be proud that you've done such an amazing job in raising wonderfully Independant adults.
They're off living their own lives now.
Two of my children are now age 22 and 25 they live with their partners and will call me once or twice a week and I see them every couple of weeks for a few hours. They have work and social lives and we do too, that's just life.
I'm sure if you really needed them to be there then they would be there in a heartbeat, try not to be too disheartened.

loganrunning · 04/11/2025 21:29

Lol. Nope. That's what happened to YOU but my late 20s kids come for dinner once a week (one of them) and meet up in town for dinner every other week (the other who lives further away), we message jokes and memes to each in a group chat other most days, we speak on the phone once a week on top of that, they buy me little gifts from time to time and they get on well with one another too.

Both have good jobs, relationships, hobbies and happy, full lives and still they make time for their old mum.

And if they did move away and had less time for me I'd be delighted for them, so long as they were happy and healthy. We'd just have to do video calls more often if that happened. Their happines is what makes me happy. I guess they know that and respond accordingly.

Either you were very unlucky and happened to raise two naturally selfish kids, or you're the problem.

Scrollers · 04/11/2025 21:30

OP it sounds like you raised your children to give them wings.

Lots of parents (judging by these posts) raise their children to keep them close. I don’t want my children to live down the street and pop in for a cuppa on the way home from work.

I want them to be free to explore, travel and experience the world - or at least outside our suburb.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad Out of interest were you very close to your own parents ?

Mostunexpected · 04/11/2025 21:33

If you're working 7 days a week, and one child lives abroad it's not a surprise you speak and see each other less than other parents might.

If you worked very part time how did you afford the best of everything?

Cherrytree86 · 04/11/2025 21:33

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad

Time to make the most of it then OP and invest all of that time and energy and money that you used to invest in your kids in yourself (and your relationship with your husband). Go on amazing holidays and travel. Spend money on clothes makeup etc whatever you like. Pick up new hobbies. Invest in your career. Go to Gym classes. Etc etc. this is your time now - spoil yourself!

ThatJollyGreySquid · 04/11/2025 21:34

I am in my fifties and see my Mum at least twice a week and speak every other day.

Cherrytree86 · 04/11/2025 21:36

Scrollers · 04/11/2025 21:30

OP it sounds like you raised your children to give them wings.

Lots of parents (judging by these posts) raise their children to keep them close. I don’t want my children to live down the street and pop in for a cuppa on the way home from work.

I want them to be free to explore, travel and experience the world - or at least outside our suburb.

@ILoveHolidaysAbroad Out of interest were you very close to your own parents ?

This!

loganrunning · 04/11/2025 21:38

loganrunning · 04/11/2025 21:29

Lol. Nope. That's what happened to YOU but my late 20s kids come for dinner once a week (one of them) and meet up in town for dinner every other week (the other who lives further away), we message jokes and memes to each in a group chat other most days, we speak on the phone once a week on top of that, they buy me little gifts from time to time and they get on well with one another too.

Both have good jobs, relationships, hobbies and happy, full lives and still they make time for their old mum.

And if they did move away and had less time for me I'd be delighted for them, so long as they were happy and healthy. We'd just have to do video calls more often if that happened. Their happines is what makes me happy. I guess they know that and respond accordingly.

Either you were very unlucky and happened to raise two naturally selfish kids, or you're the problem.

Edited

And as someone who moved countries a couple of times I have always, obviously, encouraged them to travel.

And, as I said, if they moved away for more opportunities I'd be delighted for them.

One of them will almost certainly be doing fly in fly out work next year and will earn a fortune doing that. Couldn't be happier for him. Obviously I will miss his weekly visit, but his happiness makes me happy and he comes for dinner because he passes fairly close to my house on his way home from work and CHOOSES to visit.

The other one can't come on Christmas days because of work, so we just work around that and see them the following week, no point in demanding things tht can't happen or that they don't want.

They are doing great and wherever life may take them that's what matters.

They CHOOSE to make time for me, I would never whine about it, I raised them to have wings and fly and have a great life.

So yeah, the problem is either you have two very selfish kids, or you are the problem.

Maybe get a hobby and stop nagging them.

Tartantotty · 04/11/2025 21:41

It sounds like you spoilt them. However, sorry this has happened.

Apricotafternoon · 04/11/2025 21:43

Ah no my sil and bil both live with their mother still as full grown adults 🤣

But also if you've raised your child to grow into a mature, independent beings who hold down a job, house, family then you've done a great job!

The adults still at home are the ones to question lol

MCNAMARA · 04/11/2025 21:44

To anyone reading this in panic, it's not true, it's not inevitable. I speak to my mum and dad every day and my brothers talk to them at least 2/3 times a week. We go for dinner at my mum's once a month on a Sunday and I see my dad every Saturday as he goes to watch my son's club. And I didn't have extravagant birthday parties and holidays. I did have a lot of love though.

EarthSight · 04/11/2025 21:45

I think it's a bit off that your son, who lives only 45 mins away, only visits you every 3 months. Is he on the phone with you regularly or something? I came home to visit every 2-3 months on average on a 5 hours train journey for years, even though my relationship with my parents has never been great really.

You mention extravagant parties when they were younger, and 'no expense spared'. No mention of anything else which I think is telling.

It wouldn't even occur to me to write that about a child's upbringing, because I know that parental aren't really built on just gift giving or being spent on. They're built on emotional support, affection, selfless encouragement, patience and maturity.

Does emotional distance run in your family? How did your parents show you affection? Did your children attend boarding school?