Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

[BottleDown]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. We have a young child. I am making plans to leave, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

I knew an alcoholic. He ended up with liver disease and 2 surgeries. He died on the operating table during the 2nd one. He was in his mid-40s.

Sorry for being brutal but it was horrible for his wife and 2 kids

That’s the thing, my dad was also known as being the ‘life and soul’, he was well known around town, and very popular. Behind closed doors, though when the party is over it’s often quite a different story.

My mother and I experienced multiple kinds of abuse, and then when they divorced I pretty much became his carer aged 8 through to when he died when I was 19, he was aggressive, confused due to the wernicke-korsakoff dementia, and physically disabled and had 2 cancer diagnoses in that time.

Funny (not funny) how all those who thought he was the ‘life and soul’ were nowhere to be seen when I was trying to drag his paralytic arse home from the pub on my own when I was 9, and when he was driving me around in his car completely blind drunk.

OP, you know what you need to do, I have everything crossed for you and your child. It’s going to be really tough and I am sending you my best wishes, but for gods sake don’t let her experience even 1% of the shitty childhood that I had. I still hold a lot of resentment to my mother for leaving me to it 30 years later.

@BottleDown

I think, on many levels, he enjoys drinking and sees it as part of his core identity.

This is so spot on. A lot of problem drinkers in my experience are people who are naturally shy and insecure but alcohol allows them to build a confident facade which they wear as a shield. It becomes a part of their personality and it’s very hard to reprogram yourself as an adult without that crutch.

A recovering alcoholic doesn’t only have to kick the habit they also have to rebuild their entire identity.

My granddad. Was the loveliest man alive, my best friends when I was a kid, I often stayed at my grandparents and loved it - we always went fishing, traveling, camping. But he always drank. He went from being a successful surgeon to being a security at a boating station.... In the end, he was impossible to talk to, always pissed, raging and swearing and not aware of himself. He died when I was about 20, I still miss him.

My dad, Survived several serious illnesses, surgery, nearly disabled now but still drinks a lot. Also not nice when drank but I still persevere as I love him. I know he has a lot of trauma and unresolved issues...

Someone I used to work with - always knew he had a drink problem, but he was sort of ok. Then was made redundant, and a few weeks later turned up at work one morning not knowing what is going on, dirty, looking awful with mouth full of dried blood. Died soon after. He was by himself at that stage, his family left him. He was in his 50s.

My ex partner, thankfully no children with him. Alcoholic since started drinking at 17, small periods of sobriety. Narcissist, violent and general bad man. tried AA, all the self help books along with everything else. Drinking up to three bottles of vodka per day and worked as a HGV driver. We did countless see detoxes, which was awful to see. He is now in prison for the second time, one of the charges is knife crime and ramming a police car, whilst drunk obviously! First time was domestic violence. When he is released the same pattern will repeat. The most honest thing he ever said to me was 'never trust anything I say, alcoholics lie'

I agree but I think that has to be examined a bit more. They ‘love drinking’. Alcoholics love actually being drunk. Or they think they do. They tell themselves they do, because to admit otherwise would be to admit that they are powerless against their addiction. But they don’t love the hangovers, the cost or the fact that they hurt people they love.

I have read that a high proportion of people who have ADHD are prone to addictions, which makes perfect sense because people
with ADHD are seeking dopamine a lot of the time, and some of them will try lots of unhealthy ways to obtain it (speaking from experience). People with ADHD often ‘mask’ because they don’t like who they are as a person. They feel inadequate or lacking or different. Social situations aren’t easy, so masking might include drinking or using drugs to change how they’re perceived by others (or how they think they’re perceived by others).

Whilst I don’t think neurodiversity is an ‘excuse’ by any means, I do think it can sometimes be a reason (as can trauma and depression), and that bearing this in mind can support how we treat addictions. We have to look at the underlying reasons and treat those (which might include diagnosing previously undiagnosed NDs so we can better understand which treatments will work).

This has been such a heart rendering and interesting thread. I know my alcohol use disorder stems from trauma. All the people I've known who would be classed as alcoholics gave suffered trauma. @Waitingfordoggo I also agree with your post regarding neuro diversity it's a form of self medication definitely.

It affected my family but it doesnt scare me . Thankfully I can take it or leave it (and it gives me a headache after two glasses) I enjoy a party were people are merry or a meal with people drinking nice wine and chatting but I really cant stand being around someone who is just drinking for the sake of it in front of the tv or something. I just have to remove myself from the room! I am so glad my adult kids aren’t big drinkers either . Id be devastated.

It’s a terrible illness and it breaks my heart to think my parent ( who died many years ago) may have gone through trauma . I hope you stay well and I am sending you very best wishes and strength.

I do not understand with all that we know, why alcohol is allowed to be sold in supermarkets as it if is a "normal grocery item", allowed to be advertised as being sexy, allowed to be marketed in attractive packaging etc.

IMO it should be sold only in specialist off-licences, advertising of alcohol should be banned, and it should only be sold in plain cans or bottles with a black and white label containing the name of the drink and the ABV.

Cardiac arrest mid 50s. Multiple warning signs but unfortunately unable to overcome the addiction. Wife has been left in quite serious financial difficulty.

My late dp was an alcoholic, when I met him he liked a drink but not excessively, we split up for 3 months & he met a woman who was an alcoholic & by the time we got back together the first thing he did in the morning was go in the fridge for a can. He got told 3 years before he died that if he didn't sort his drinking he wouldn't live to see 40. He got into all kinds of trouble due to drink, drink driving, drunk & disoderly & other things. One morning he woke up looking 9 months pregnant, I dragged him to the doctors who urgently referred him to the hospital where he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver, he had 7 litres of fluid drained from his stomach which came back almost immediately, he refused a detox & died the most horrific death 4 months later age 34 when his lungs filled with blood & effectively drowned, it took almost 6 hours for him to die & he was conscious for all of it except the last 10 minutes. I lost my partner, my best friend & the love of my life, his parents lost their only child & 2 children age 6 & 4 lost their dad, all because of drink.

My Father the raw facts

It’s hard to explain the devastating impact an alcoholic can have on a child. My father was a functioning alcoholic, would come in from work and start drinking. Because he wasn’t drinking from 7am in the morning my mother refused to call him an alcoholic ..but he was. He drank to excess every night and so ensued all the drama, fights, verbal abuse. Alcoholics just love to pick on their 5, 10 year old innocent children. I remember being berated and shouted at sometimes in public, and I had done nothing wrong, if I was lucky it would just be behind closed doors. I used to shake with fear, had ezma, and when I was really bad wet the bed. I was a good kid and just wanted to be loved. My mother stood by and let it happen often winding him up to cause a fight which as a you child I would try and stop. She never protected me, and I never felt sorry for myself just planned my escape, working hard. My home life was so miserable caused by an alcoholic you cannot believe how nice it was if a stranger smiled a kind smile, it kind of kept me going as so awful was my home life I never dared have friends round. Well I did once and my dad was so awful I thought I need to appear normal by not letting people in. I would have just loved a happy friendly home where friends would be welcome as that really means something when you are young. You also grow up pretty quick, know more than you should and are on a constant state of alert. The anxiety of walking home from school wondering what mood he would be in. I don’t have any friends from the first 18 years as I was just surviving hell, to get out and get to uni far away. I had friends so I wasn’t a loner at school but always kept them at arms length, never finding one I trusted enough to confide for fear of falling out and the whole school finding out my secret. People in the street I lived had no idea of the abuse. The night before I sat an important exam, my father told me “ you’ll never pass your exam”.

Years later I told my mum what he said and she is so stupid she said he was just using reverse psychology on you to make you work hard !!!!

The main things about it were, constantly walking on eggshells, the embarrassment of him being spotted buying alcohol at the local shop. The constant drama, the house nerve shutting down as he was always up until the early hours. The fear of being judged. Anyway I had the most amazing grandma, who showed me so much love and was my driving force. A truly inspirational strong woman who had served as a wren during the Second World War. She was my best friend, and she knew she couldn’t make my mother leave him, so every opportunity I would be with her. My Best Freind. Sadly she died when I was 13 and then I knew I really was all alone with them, until I could work my way out. Nobody can ever outwork you !

i never felt sorry slept around or drank myself just worked hard, stuck in looked for mentors and inspiration. Got to uni ! Met a nice man nothing like my father and never looked back. Then locked my first 18 years away THEN

WHEN I HAD MY OWN CHILDREN that is when the hatred and anger sets in! You love and protect your own babies so so much that the trauma of your childhood shows up ! Out of the blue ! Wham. I never resented my mother for not protecting me until I had kids of my own and you think how could you be so stupid and awful to let me go through that and not protect. I now have no feelings whatsoever for my mum and I feel awful for not caring because I am so caring to everyone else in my life.

My father died of alcoholic ketosis I hadn’t spoken to him before he died as I was pregnant and didn’t want him upsetting me so that I would lose my daughter. From the moment I was pregnant I protected my child in the womb. That’s the difference between me and my own mother ! Apologies for the lack of full stops etc I just needed to write to get it out. Hope this helps and if anyone is reading this there is light at the end of the tunnel, keep going, get out and don’t give up believing I. Yourself !! X

My uncle. 50 years sober this year.

He is a trauma surgeon and the reason I'm a doctor too 🫶

I’m so sorry for you and the children. How long was he drinking to excess for?

Well there are people who overeat and die from obesity, so should we ban food as well? Sell chocolate only in white unmarked packages with health warning on it?

Alcohol can be enjoyed in a normal, healthy way.

It would be better if there is better help available for mental health problems. Most of the people I know who have drinking issues use it as an anaesthetic to dull their inner pain and anxiety.

I wouldn't ban junk food but I'd treat it the same as alcohol, it should have to be sold in special shops (or maybe a special area of the supermarket), should not be sold in attractive packaging and should not be allowed to be advertised at all.

That's just ridiculous.

One died of liver disease.
One stopped drinking but has a lot of mental health issues which I believe were exacerbated by drinking.
One is in prison.

One, dead at 39 through liver failure.

Maybe instead, money should be invested into making people aware of the dangers and teaching them to make positive choices in life - as well as making healthy food more affordable. Instead of proposing to treat adults like toddlers.

These comments make me realise two things: one, my partner is probably going to die of something drink related. Two, I’m not alone. This stuff is horrific.
Three weeks ago I was travelling with a sibling, and left my partner alone for two days. He was then meant to pick us up from the station, cook us lunch, and run us to an event quite far away that night.
Instead, he started drinking as soon as I left, straight back on a litre of vodka per day, and simply didn’t show up, causing major issues and meaning I had to find transport and accommodation at the last minute.
I then took his car keys so he wouldn’t drive, and so he drank the methylated spirit for my camp stove. I called an ambulance and they kept him in hospital overnight. He then stopped.
He’s now wondering why I’m being ‘different’ with him. I’ve said I’m getting fed up of this happening on a monthly basis. He’s in denial and while I appreciate the trauma of his awful family I also know he’s not even trying to stop these destructive benders. The hospital told him three years ago that he had a maximum 2 years to live if he carried on. He’s been drunk 50 days this year and sober the rest. I’m the only person left, everyone else in his family has stopped speaking to him. It is going to destroy me if it doesn’t stop. I’m so sorry for anyone else going through this!

Please don’t let him destroy you, please leave.

He is destroying himself, you can’t stop
that.

But don’t let him take you with him.

Good luck.