Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

[BottleDown]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. We have a young child. I am making plans to leave, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

My mum

She died - decompensated liver disease and cirrhosis of the liver was on her death certificate but it was a burst oesophageal varices that killed her

@BottleDown Just catching up on this. I can't speak for my daughter as I think she has good and bad days and she's sad about her dad and I not living together. But I know I am much, much happier - people have said I look 10 years younger and I feel it.

My daughter's relationship with her dad has even blossomed because he now has 'forced time' with her (he does enjoy it, but he also struggles with that 7-hour window of sobriety on his day off 🙄). Thankfully his drinking is under control enough for him to not drink around her, or if he does it's right at the end of his time slot and it's just a beer.

If you can make it to any online Al-Anon meetings so you don't have to leave your partner with your daughter, do it (obviously in a private space so he can't hear).

It was a godsend for me, and I spent my first couple of sessions just crying and barely being able to speak - embarassing but pretty much everyone does and it's a form of release! Ultimately you need to get out of there for your daughter's sake. It's really, really hard (I still love my ex, although like a brother now) but ultimately it's the right decision for you and her. One foot in front of the other and you will get there.

Read my post again. I acknowledge alcoholics have little choice. My post is more about the long road they take to becoming alcoholics where their drinking becomes problematic to others but they carry on because they enjoy it.

Yes sadly they rarely get to that point. So many young deaths on here, it seems to take them quicker than smoking deaths.

I’m amazed that you’ve managed to stay on such friendly terms with him, and glad that your daughter can still have safe access. Does he admit he has a problem now?

I think it’s often due to trauma or learnt behaviours. As you can see from this thread, a lot of alcoholics have other alcoholics in their families.

this thread has been an incentive for me to rejoin Soberistas. I feel determined but been here before. I hope I can do as well as you @JulianClarysDog

I do know someone who recovered from alcoholism. But things had to get very very bad first and it required almost losing a marriage and in patient treatment. It was awful on the family and nothing anyone else said made any difference, the person had to make the change. In fairness they did but it was a long process. It can happen though but basically the person needs to want it more than anything.

My dad and his now dead wife. She died a very horrible scary death of internal bleeding and organ failure. He continues to drink. He has a huge pot belly and a huge bulbous bright purple vascular lumpy nose. He’s been tested for dementia more than once, his mum had it so I think he might end up that way as alcohol increases the risks. I don’t think he will stop drinking but he manages to stay away from rock bottom, but his health is not great. none of his kids speak to him

My observation, partly from my own family - is that the children of heavy drinking families often go one of two ways … a risky relationship with alcohol themselves or very little drinking because it scares them.

That’s very true. My brother had alcohol issues (he took his own life) and my sister also drinks heavily. I drink but am terrified of falling in to those habits. My mum died from alcoholism but my dad rarely drinks

I drink alcohol but have a fear of losing control as I’m so conscious of the dangers of that happening. So I very really get drunk.

Others In my family drink excessively as to them it’s “normal”.

One (school friend) died in her early 30s of liver failure.

One (another school friend) lost her job, her marriage and her kids. Lifetime driving ban, lucky to avoid prison. Lives alone, doing minimum wage jobs for a few week/months at a time until she goes on a bender yet again and gets the sack.

One (xh) lost his marriage, several jobs, many friends. Careened from disaster to disaster. Stints in rehab. Now lives thousands of miles away, sees our young adult ds every couple of years. Is sober, but it's taken the best part of 40 years and his body is irreperably fucked, as are most of his close relationships. I don't expect he will live to a ripe old age, and I feel incredibly guilty re: ds because of this.

I always say, it can happen to nearly anyone. My mum hadn't drank in her life until starting in her fifties. It never had interested her.

The only people immune are teetotalers who remain teetotal for life.

It's so seductive. This thing right here, easily accessible, where you can drink it and suddenly your problems don't feel as bad. It just takes someone reaching for a drink during a hard time, feeling better, making that link, reaching for it next time, and so forth, until life sober feels unbearable in comparison to how being drunk feels. Until things get really bad and then there's no real enjoyment to it at all anymore, it's just an activity needed to stave off withdrawal. It's utterly horrific and happens to so many.

I've known many, mostly through the course of my work, but some socially.

One had to go into residential care at the age of 45 because she developed Korsakow's dementia and could no longer live independently; she died approx 5 years later.

A few have died prematurely (mostly late 40s/early 50s) because of liver failure or haemorrhage due to ruptured oesophageal varices. One died because they passed out pissed while cooking and set their flat on fire, another fell in the river and drowned while walking home drunk.

The one that most astonishes me is someone I have known socially for nearly 40 years. They have always been an incredibly heavy drinker and are currently on a minimum of 6 x cans of Scrumpy Jack plus half a bottle of vodka a day, but it's ok, apparently, because they never drink before midday. They've recently had a whole battery of health tests and their liver function is near perfect. However, they have life-limiting COPD, which is ironic given that they stopped smoking at least 3 decades ago.

My dad is 78 and has been an alcoholic all of my life. He saw my mum off to an early grave and destroyed everything good in her life. Me and my sister are still in contact but I can’t stand being around him. He needs us but he is so horrible to my sister. Weirdly he holds it in with me I think
he knows I’d walk away.

I really believe that alcohol sales need to stop or be heavily regulated and curtailed. It needs to be treated like the poison that it is, the risk of complete destruction to entire families is too great.

Fuck that, most of my best recipes would be impossible to make!

I’ve known many through work…mostly end stage liver disease through alcohol. My mother’s neighbour who kept a bottle of vodka on his bedside table because as soon as he wakened, he needed to have a drink before he could get up. Bled to death, alone at home, with oesphageal varices, while his wife was sitting at her dying mother’s bedside in hospital. 56.

The alcoholics I knew (dead now) did not become alcoholics overnight, in that sense it didn't happen to them like an illness. They drank excessively and selfishly for many, many years and certainly could have stopped or moderated at an earlier point but they chose not to as they simply loved the feeling of being drunk. They didn't much care that it upset others around them when they prioritised having a good time over being more sensible

That's really closed minded of you.

Do you really think they just love drinking and that's why they drink? Coz they just love it so much?

Or..... is it more likely that these people have trauma of some sort or poor coping skills?

When I first met my best friend she was an alcoholic...... to outsiders it looked like she loved drinking

But little did they know she drank in excess to forget the horrific sexual abuse that happened to her for YEARS throughout her childhood. Little did they know that she would go home after being the life of the party and severely self harm.

You really need to open your eyes and delve a little deeper into why people become alcoholics. Most of them are not because they love drinking ..... most of them are traumatised and can't cope.

We don't know what goes on in people's lives we have no idea what people have been through. It's really not all down to selfish people 🤦‍♀️

My mother and step father are very heavy drinkers but they stick to nice bottles of wine and they're middle class so apparently it's acceptable. I've inherited my mother's (and my father's) addictive personality. When peri hit me my life fell apart and I ended up drinking at least a bottle of wine a night. I decided I needed to knock it on the head completely and decided to become addicted to exercise instead. Still an addiction but much less harmful. My father is an exercise junky too. He doesn't touch a drop either now as he's acknowledged that he likes the taste of red wine too much and it's a slippery slope.

This is actually quite frightening.

I go out at the weekend and get tipsy, never drunk. I also have a couple at home before bed (albeit not every night). Some of my friends get absolutely WASTED when they go out (male and female) but do not drink other than when they go out whereas I am more moderate but more frequent.

I am single and live alone. I do notice that, when I am in a relationship (I had one end recently) I drink far less frequently. I am happy in company but drink sort of substitutes that? I see those two I have before bed as my little 'freedom' or 'comfort' thing I think. I go to bed early, am up early for the gym, work all week, have a business to run, other things going on but I don't see much of anyone.

When I had my partner here with me, drinking unless we were doing an activity involving it, together, just wasn't as important-it is like my 'vice' or one of the only good things about having that freedom.

I don't have a problem with drink, but I can see how if I were to become depressed or ill or more lonely, this can easily happen.

By the time the drinking is problematic to others all enjoyment has gone. Take it from someone who spent lockdown with an alcoholic in full spate.

My lovely brother died in his late 40’s last January of alcoholism. The sense of loss, and the guilt of not being able to do more to save him, is so overwhelming at times. It ruined his life long before it took it.
A family fiend also died due alcoholism (don’t know the exact details) in their 60’s

I know a lot

1 - died 52. Found collapsed, went to hospital and died if pneumonia and sepsis

1- in and out of rehab. There parents both alcoholic - one died of cirrhosis, 1 went to AA. Daughter also alcoholic...been to rehab

Partners dad - died 70 of cancer, likely alcohol linked. Partners mother..in denial alcoholic.

Partner - successfully sober using the Sinclair Method and naltrexone

I recommend Tired of Thinking About Drinking. I am almost 10 years sober, AA was not for me but I still needed that accountability and this really helped me. Good luck to you.