Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

[BottleDown]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. We have a young child. I am making plans to leave, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

My partner died aged 53, after 11 years together - alcoholics don't tend to live for very long...

thanks. Sallyanne. I will download it and read it. I have read a lot of quit lit. Anything that makes it a bit easier. I have never tried AA but Soberistas is good. I just hope this is final day 1!

It’s worth trying an AA meeting before writing it off. There are women only meetings if you’d be more comfortable with that.

This is known as creating an alibi, "I went to AA and it didn't work". It doesn't work if you don't do the work. Just going to meetings and saying you have a sponsor isn't doing the work. If AA is not for him, it doesn't suit everyone, he needs to find another way.

You are right that blaming everyone and everything apart from himself is a clear sign that he's doesn't want to stop drinking.

SMART recovery is an alternative for anyone who wants support and mutual aid around their drinking, and it's non-religious.

I tried Al-Anon, for quite a while, but as an atheist I just could not get on with it. So much of it is good, but the part about a higher power was impossible to make work for me. I tried the old 'the higher power can just be the group, or nature, or anything that is a higher power for you' but even trying that, it just didn't make sense without a belief in god.

Not knocking it, it works for many, just wanted to highlight other options too :)

They have support for the person struggling with addiction, and for loved ones

https://smartrecovery.org.uk/about-our-organisation/

I am although I do find it difficult to use that term. I’m not sure I would still be in my marriage if I hadn’t quit drinking & very possibly not be here at all 😢 I will have been sober 2 years at the end of January. At my worst, I would get though 4 bottles of high strength wine a day plus sometimes spirits as well. I detest drunk drivers yet I was driving over the limit daily. Hated myself but was in denial at the same time. In the end, I had to stop the night before an op because of the anaesthetic & that was it. Cold turkey. I do miss it occasionally eg a nice glass of red with a steak or a lovely crisp white on a sunny afternoon but would never start again. I feel a million times better. Sorry for your situation OP.

I found my alcoholic brother dead a few weeks ago, he was 59. Gastric ulcer and heart disease so a very traumatic scene. My father, who hasn’t had anything to do with my brother for 40 years is now going for half his estate, cutting me out completely.

One recovered,one in reasonable health and in their 80's, one in care in their 60's, one homeless in their 40's, and 3 dead in their 40's/50's.
Get out while you can.
Don't put yourself and your children through it.

He always knew he had a problem with drink, but he externalised the 'whys' - it was never his fault, and there was always an excuse. He drank because something good happened, he drank because something bad happened, he drank because he was doing something productive (as a 'reward'), he drank because he was bored. The truth is he had a very neglectful childhood, he comes from a family of alcoholics and the only real way they bond is through drinking copious amounts of whiskey together. He kind of understands that but doesn't want therapy because he doesn't want to talk or think about it (unless he's really drunk).

I think we're on good terms because of how deeply we know each other and how long we were in love for, and we were actually very good at communicating. His alcoholism was also not severe, although he did have bouts of hiding it so I'll never know the true extent. His main thing was going on random crazy benders where chaotic and destructive things would happen. He was never violent to me or DD thankfully, mostly just very irritating or very occasionally could get paranoid about random stuff and accuse me of doing things I'd never done!

Ultimately the drink came first always, and always will. Even severe, painful gastritis over the last six years hasn't curbed his alcohol addiction, and neither did leaving (his drinking has worsened now he doesn't have to hide it).

From the snippets in your post, it sounds like your partner is a more 'traditional' alcoholic - drinking every day etc.? Does he acknowledge he has a problem? Does he want to change? I say this with a bit of futility as I think it's very, very rare for people to change.

This is such a sad thread.

my uncle died of his alcoholism in his 60s. He had always been a jovial life and soul kind of guy (with destructive relationships and abandoned children in his wake) and then spiralled in his 50s.

a very close friend, he is currently 3 years sober. But has relapsed before. I can so easily see a terrible trajectory for his life.

I have no desire to try AA. As I said I am happy with Soberistas.

My dad was a functioning alcoholic who couldn't go a day. I think he thought he was fine because he wasn't drinking first thing in the morning, but he was so clearly dependent. He was never a great dad and wasn't very present in my life. He died aged 71 of a heart attack and, to be honest, I don't miss him.

Sorry for what you're going through, OP.

I have a friend who is positive that she wouldn't be here without AA.

She's 35 years sober and still goes to meetings 2 or 3 times a week.

I am so very sorry to hear that. I hope over time things settle and you are ok.

Yup. He has a thousand excuses and I don’t think he’s ready to quit. I’m not sure he ever will be which is why I have to leave. It’s desperately sad because if he committed to sobriety, maybe I could stay, but I don’t think k he will.

My grandma was an alcoholic and it was hell for everyone, she was a nasty drunk and it was the first thing she did when she got up and would fall asleep on her chair with a drink in her hand and a cigarette hanging from her mouth, she ended up dying because of it a few years ago, I would strongly advise leaving because not only will it destroy his life but yours and your children's too

My father.
I was around 10 when they divorced, but not before seeing a great deal of alcoholism, domestic violence towards my mum. He tried to kill her at least 3 times, loosening car wheel bolts was one (luckily someone spotted it) and we the children could have been in the car. Rat poison in the kettle was another.
He was an extremely intelligent man who spoke 5 languages and had a very good career. He refused help, attending maybe 1 AA meeting, drinking from around late 20s until his 60s when his health started to decline. Was always very manipulative and never supported us , contacting only when he waved something. I do have some fond memories but they're very few.
In the end he had liver cancer I believe and cirrhosis, was extremely puffed out and awful skin. Died when I was 28 and travelling.
My mum was so brave to make the decision to divorce him, and even age 10 I was relieved. My sibling however has never fully recovered and has had lifelong mental health and addiction issues here and there.
Mum drank, even during my pregnancy and he was violent with her even then. She drank even more heavily after the divorce but eventually met someone and reduced drinking somewhat but still a lot, but was never very healthy and sadly cancer and Alzheimer's came along. I can't help thinking if she'd married someone else she'd have been healthier but then I wouldn't exist, so...

He was drinking to excess every day until about six months ago, and admitted he had a problem (he was drinking at work, drink driving etc). But now he’s cut down a lot and is back-pedalling on sobriety. I think, on many levels, he enjoys drinking and sees it as part of his core identity.

In retrospect he’s probably always been an alcoholic, but because he’s a nice drunk, and a big guy who has to drink serious amounts to seem tipsy, and pre-child I was often drinking with him, I didn’t realise.

I suspect when I leave, it will be a wonderful excuse for more drinking and I’ll be the scapegoat for ruining his life. Unfortunately I doubt we’ll get on as well as you and your ex, which is a big shame for our child 😔

She stopped drinking beer and wine and initially reduced alcohol to two beers a day. Then to one. Now she has one beer every few days and has been doing that for years.

She is doing much better nowadays but it took her youngest DD going no contact to achieve this.

and the health concerns of hm… 10+ years of „functional“ alcoholism (functional meaning still employed and not homeless) took a toll on her health.

It was also hell on her DDs. One of them being me. It has massively affected me and probably still does today.

I went to therapy but it’s hard to let go of my resentment. Also of my resentment towards my father who knowingly left me with her despite knowing that she wasn’t (mentally) stable…

Edit: no advice here. But I’m glad you acknowledged the problem and are preparing to leave. Yes, it may give him an excuse to drink. But there will always be excuses. And his addiction obviously isn’t your responsibility…

Some of them have trauma. Some people love to drink excessively because they enjoy it which sometimes gets forgotten.

She was a functional alcoholic but died sadly. Pretty young and in traumatic circumstances. Leaving behind a young daughter and a trail of trauma.

3 family members were alcoholics, none are around any more, dead at 47, 53 and 66, they need to want to stop, if they don't cut them out of your life for your own sake.

You couldn’t have saved your brother.

Yes pre-child I drank with my ex too, it was only the chaotic episodes every once in a while that stood out and I struggled with. I went teetotal the moment I found out I was pregnant, and I never picked the drinking back up again - maybe a glass of wine now and again. That started the division between us, plus I had post natal anxiety and he drank because of how difficult that was for him! Even after I told him part of my PNA was due to his drinking and me wanting to keep DD away from that.

Your partner sounds much worse than mine was, and it was still very difficult to live with. Echoing a PP, he will definitely use you as a scapegoat - at least you are prepared for that eventuality. Good luck, I'm sure Al-Anon will help you when you can attend the sessions. The sooner you can leave the better, think of it as ripping off a plaster - kicking the can down the road will just prolong the pain for you and your DD will only ever become more aware of it as she gets older.

What you say about wanting to keep him away from the baby rings very true… I ended up cosleeping and didn’t want him in the bed (he’s a very heavy sleeper and a big guy, who snores). That created a physical division between us and it’s never really come back. I didn’t let him do much for her, not that he tried, because we only ever saw him drunk. She’s very much my little shadow now and they don’t interact much. I don’t want him having her unsupervised (he never has, and I don’t trust him) which is going to be a big fight.

Financially it’s going to be really tough too.