Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

[BottleDown]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. We have a young child. I am making plans to leave, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

I know of 3.

One fell down the stairs drunk and died at the age of 36 -- father of two children under 5.

One was the son of my mother's best friend, died at 40 from variceal bleeding.

The third is 75 years old and is seemingly in adequate health, lives on his own in a house he owns, although he's never had a long-term relationship.

You just don't know, but most importantly it isn't your fault or responsibility.

Yep, my mum. Started drinking heavily at 54, when I was around 19, and was dead within three years. She was very unhappy, post-divorce, didn't see much of a future on min wage stuck renting a bungalow for the rest of her life. It took her pretty quickly. I miss her so much, but I feel incredibly lucky I got her for the time I did as she was the most amazing mum I could have wished for.

You do hear a lot of 'they need to hit rock bottom' but you don't hear much of the reality that for many alcoholics rock bottom is death.

Ultimately you have to protect yourself, and in your case your child. If you can, and wish to, love them from afar, then by all means do. But don't get dragged down by a sinking ship. Swim away, Nobody has the power to stop someone else from drinking. It's up to them. It's very sad when it doesn't pan out the way everyone hoped it would. But sadly that is life and the nature of addiction.

My ex and my mother. Both dead, well before their time

My mum was an alcoholic. When her second husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer she straightened out her act and quit the booze. It was the wake up call she needed and she’s never gone back.

My brother. He lost all his teeth, but got married to a woman who refused to be around him if he drank. He now runs marathons instead .

My first husband was an alcoholic, he died in his 40s. Thankfully we didn't have children. Life became a living hell and I was actually thinking of leaving when he died, suddenly but not entirely unexpectedly. This is no life for you,and not something your child should see. Good luck.

I did. They died suddenly at age 56, heart.

@DarkPassenger1 I am so sorry about your mum. Can I ask, when you say heavily, how heavy was the drinking for it to take her in three years? I have a relative I'm concerned about, who has been drinking steadily more for about a year.

My father. 83, still an alcoholic, family have given up on him; he was a horrible man as well as a raging drunk. Slowly rotting.

And me. I was. I drank a litre of gin a day at my worst. Then I realised I was pregnant and stopped, cold turkey. Haven't gone back in 8 years.

I suppose I was, although I never used that term, I see it as an AA term and not helpful.

I’m over 4 years sober now

My best friend, sadly died young. My Father lived until his 80s but he was manipulative and nasty and made my life hell. I am still living with the consequences of childhood neglect in my 60s

One of my friends has had a minimum of 2 bottles of wine a night, and usually a lot of whisky too for the past 20 years. Still in good health although if she dropped down dead tomorrow (at the age of 53) I wouldn’t be surprised.

My mother, a genuinely rubbish parent because the alcohol is the most important to her, she’s pretty much alone now as everyone runs out of patience with her, addicts can be incredibly selfish and exhausting, I’ve been NC for years now. I agree with others about don’t let yourself be dragged down with it (easy said then done though) it’s so exhausting dealing with it

Died aged 36 of liver failure

A close family member is an alcoholic. They function in that they still manage to work and keep their home liveable. I know their drinking has affected their relationships with friends and family and they have also fallen and hurt themselves on quite a few occasions. They prefer to spend life at home drinking rather than partake in ‘normal’ life which is sad. However to the outside world they probably don’t look like they are an alcoholic in the basic sense of the word.

It isn’t just rolling around in the gutter or vodka on your cornflakes. It’s a massive spectrum.

It’s important that you don’t try and rationalise someone else’s problems with addiction. Just think of your own boundaries and how you can protect yourself and any dependents.

That’s an insane amount of booze for a prolonged period. Over 100 units a week surely?

Several in my extended family but they are all successfully in recovery for more than 30 years. One has even become an addiction counsellor. But all their marriages broke up while they were drinking and some of their children have gone on to have addiction issues. Of those one is in recovery for the past 10 years or so, but another has never managed to become sober and has had a very tragic life unfortunately.

Most alcoholics I know are dead. The ones that aren't have advanced dementia, major health issues, live in sheltered accommodation.

One of my best friends is a recovering alcoholic. She’s been sober now for about 6 years and has never looked back. Ongoing health problems due to her very heavy drinking over many years when younger, but lives independently and is doing great.

My brother in law. His 14 year old daughter found him dead in the gutter outside his home, she has been horribly traumatised from trying to be responsible for him and the resulting guilt. Protect your child, OP, which means staying strong and getting him/her away from the situation by leaving. He has choices as an adult which your child does not.

My niece, she’s currently in prison for theft to fund her drinking. Her health is very poor, I don’t think she’s got much longer to live if nothing changes, which I don’t think it will.

Far too many, but I work in the alcohol addiction industry.

All I can say is, there is no size fits all to how someone deals with their own addiction. It’s utterly heartbreaking watching it, and seeing the devastation to the family around them is horrendous. Take care of yourself x

I know an alcoholic very well. They stopped after a series of difficult conversations- not the first we’d had so not sure why it stuck that time, but it has. They’ve been sober four years and I am overjoyed, I never thought I’d see it.

Op I am very sorry to hear what you are going through.
I recommend going to al-anon as you will get help and support from others who have been through the same.