Do you know an alcoholic? What has happened to them?

[BottleDown]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. We have a young child. I am making plans to leave, but it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

If there’s an alcoholic in your life, what has happened to them?

My dad was. He died aged 46, when I was 17, my brother was 15 and my sister was 9. He haemorrhaged whilst he was asleep and basically bled out/drowned in it.

I’ve called Al-Anon and they’ve encouraged me to go to meetings, but I don’t want to leave the baby with him in the evenings and I work in the day, so haven’t had time. Maybe in the future.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.

Hey.

By the end, she was on a litre of vodka per day. She actually had lost so much weight she couldn't walk anymore. She would sit on her sofa and soil herself, vomit coffee ground blood (oesophagus tear), and have booze delivery companies come straight in the door to the sofa. I'm guessing it crept up to a litre per day over the three years and can't say how that increase went exactly.

We'd go over when she was in hospital and try clean up and find an empty litre vodka bottle for each day since we'd last been. She went through a living hell I wouldn't wish on my very worst enemy. My heart still aches for how she tried to protect me and stop me from finding out so I could go and live my life.

My Auntie is also an alcoholic . Started off when I was growing up she was a social drinker . I saw her recently for the first time in years and she almost resembled Katie Price she was soooo skinny . Her legs were like sticks . She’s about 60 now.

I live in an area with a lot of alcoholics and you notice they start to lie a lot , make up stories and their mental health is at rock bottom. It definitely affects their brain .

I’ve known several who wrecked their lives because of alcohol. One came out ok. He lost his job, his marriage and his reputation. But then became abstinent, moved away and remarried someone who hadn’t known him in his earlier life and put on a lot of weight. I think eating replaced the alcohol.

I know two. One is in recovery after going to AA and working really bloody hard every day to stay sober. Nearly 20 years sober now, and grateful everyday.

The other carried on drinking but was “functional”. Held down a job, had an external veneer of respectability, had a family etc but behind closed doors was a nasty, vicious and spiteful drunk who treated everyone like shit, manipulated and controlled everyone and took no responsibility for their behaviour. It was a relief when they died TBH, awful as that sounds.

For your own sake and that of your DC please know you didn’t cause this and YOU CANNOT CURE IT. They have to want to get sober. Too often, the addiction to drink is far greater than the love they have for everyone else. Alcohol is a terrible substance and alcoholism is a nasty disease. Recovery is a daily choice and a commitment they have to make every single day forever.

There’s a lot of support out there for families of alcoholics and addicts so I hope you can reach out locally and get support for yourself so you can choose the best future for you. No matter how much you love them, letting go can be better for everyone.

Two. Both dead. The first died in his 50s after a fall, but they couldn't work out what had caused him to fall - whether it was the heart attack he suffered, or the stroke. His death was alcohol-related. He died alone on the front path of his house.

The other died in his 70s after many years of drinking. He was on a bottle of spirits a day for a good year before he died. Refused to see doctors because he feared he would have been asked to stop drinking. His cause of death was renal failure. He was very unwell during the last 6 months or so of his life.

My middle son, now two years sober. We adopted him in his early teens but he was already very damaged. Recovery is a long tough road. People say admitting there's a problem is the hardest step, but I disagree. The dependancy reduction period prior to getting on abstinence meds is hell on toast.

My mum. She started drinking at 14, and stopped at 38 when I attempted suicide at 15 because I couldn’t cope with her anymore (only child of single mum, so it was just us).

She’s now been completely sober for more than 30 years, and still attends AA meetings regularly. I’m very proud of her.

So alcoholics can and do get sober - but for your kids sake, I still think you’re doing the right by leaving. Maybe this will be the incentive he needs to get and stay sober; maybe it won’t - but either way your kids will be better off.

Thank you. I'm so sorry. 💐

One, a family member who I loved very much, got sober in his late 40s and spent the second half of his time being the most wonderful person and making up (many times over) for all the ways he'd let people down as a younger man. He died aged 90, much loved and living independently.

One who didn't get sober and died in his early 50s after a few miserable years in which his lovely wife and kids had to watch him drink himself to death.

I also know a variety in between those two extremes. One is fairly highly functioning but lives alone in early 50s, hasn't had a relationship in decades and seems unhappy.

In my wider circle, I know of a few people who have got sober and thrown themselves into running or other similar pursuits.

I am so sorry for what you are going through - you absolutely must protect yourself and your young child.

I was married to one. It would have been our 25th wedding anniversary this year, but I left after a couple of years. Not long after, he was ill and given a short time to live. He's still alive and still drinking at nearly 61.

The moral of the story: they can go on for longer than you think without changing their ways, so don't wait. Get out now.

My younger brother, it killed him, died at 56.

I’ve known 3 and all died in their 50s as a result of drinking. One left an 18 year old daughter.

My friends sister has had rehab paid for multiple times and still goes back on it. Is one binge from death.

the other alcoholic I knew stopped speaking to me when I raised it as an issue I believe she’s ok now but she lost custody of her kids for a while

My first husband was alcohol dependant - took an overdose & killed himself aged 31.

My grandfather was alcohol dependent - died of a stroke aged 52. My mother wasn't 'dependent' but never went a day without an alcoholic drink (so maybe she was) she died aged 78.

My son is in Recovery having been dependent on alcohol.

I don't drink alcohol.

If you're living with someone who is dependent on something be it alcohol, drugs or even gambling, you need to remember that their primary relationship is with their addiction, their primary motive is to feed their addiction. You, your needs, your children & their needs will always be secondary to feeding their addiction. The kindest thing that you can do is leave.

A close friend. She chooses alcohol over everything else. She's functioning though, has a good job and owns her home. But has never had a romantic relationship, no one could tolerate the alcohol abuse for long (she's a very difficult drunk). My uncle died from it, ruined his marriage and he ended up in a grotty flat alone. Died alone. My brother in law died from cancer but was an alcoholic his whole life, ruined his marriage and his life. He also ended up in a one bed flat provided by council, used to be professionally and financially very successful. My husband's aunt is currently dying the slowest death, holed up in a tiny flat very far from any family. The theme I have seen is that it takes ages and takes absolutely everything before it finally takes the person. Terrible addiction.

DSs Dad, he died aged 49.

My mum was an alcoholic and she died in her 40's, my brother is an alcoholic and last i saw him he was drunk on a park bench, that's just my experience though

Either died, dying or serious health problems

My uncle, he’s in his early 70s now, has been on and off the wagon for years. I think he is actively drinking again at the moment. His adult kids have been flitting between contact and NC with him as they don’t want their own children to see him when he’s drinking. I don’t think he will ever be completely sober. He really is a lovely man, but he just cannot let go of the drink.

A former neighbour, in her 50s. Had a great job, got furloughed during Covid, started drinking and is now unrecognisable and in a care home with Korsakoff’s.

And probably about ten people I’ve nursed with bleeding oesophageal varices. All died in hospital.

My grandfather, and my godfather. Both tried every abstinence method as far as I know and never managed it. Cut them both out of our lives and when they died, I felt only anger for the people around them whose lives they ruined with their drinking.

If they were still here, I'd insist on a year's successful treatment with naltrexone before resuming any contact.

Thank you for that, that's so sweet of you to say. She's been gone 15yr now and I'm okay honestly, I dream about her at least once every week, and I relish those moments even if it's a nightmare as I can to be near her again. I consider myself incredibly lucky I had her as a mum, and even luckier when I hear stories from people whose alcoholic in their life wasn't as kind and sweet as mine. I can't imagine how much harder it'd have been if we hadn't had the amazing relationship we did. I'm so, so thankful. She gave me everything and so much of what I do and who I am is down to her.

By the end I was in favour of turning off the machines sadly as I could just see from her long fight that even if she pulled through physically (it was only a 5% chance apparently if we kept going with the treatment, which was brutal... she had an oxygen thing strapped to her mouth and kept trying to pull it off, the hospital was against restraints and I had to sit and hold her wrists down, until she got too weak to reach up) she wouldn't have a better life at the other side.

I love her, so much. I am so proud of her and her battle. <3

I knew one who died a few years ago in his early 40s having left his wife and four children. He died alone in a bedsit and wasn’t discovered for several days.

I know another who is estranged from his wife and two children. He lives in a homeless shelter. He is unable to work and has terrible health problems. He’s probably not long for this world.

But I also know one who has managed to stay sober now for about 15 years. It is a constant battle but he’s very determined to stay dry. He’s happily married (second marriage- this wife was not with him when he was drinking). He is a dad and runs his own business.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP. 💐

An ex colleague, he had liver disease/ failure, stopped drinking, had a liver transplant, started drinking again and died. In his 40s. He urinated in the wine aisle at the supermarket at least once and was verbally abusive regularly. Many of the people I knew who passed away young(ish) were heavy drinkers and smokers for many years.