In laws telling DD she would never make it to university.

[Getbackinyourlane12]

Hi
this is more of a rant than anything else ! In laws have 8 grandchildren and the eldest has just started university ( not my DC )
my eldest has just started secondary school and so a while off yet !
DD was over at grandparents the weekend and came back a little upset questioning me about university and getting upset that she will never be able to be an Occupational therapist.
I asked where this has come from and it turns out during the weekend her cousin was talking about her new life at university and DD took an interest and said she wanted to be an OT. She is 11 so I’m aware this can change 🤣 her nan then went on to tell her that I am not setting her up for the reality of her future. To get in to university you will need to do well in your GCSES for college and then well in your A levels and unfortunately your ability is below that. What ?? She’s 11 😭😭 this has all come about because they are all huge academics and asked daughter when she got her sats results what they were.
not to drip feed there was huge health impacts and other factors than meant her primary education was not your average !
she is now able to attend school more and is a great school with great results for children who need a smaller environment but are academic.
I spoke to the in-laws and the MIL said I was misleading daughter and it was better for me now to work towards more an enable goal and have a plan for her that is realistic and not a pipe dream.

she’s 11 😭she’s a tough cookie and in my opinion extremely smart !

Bugger not going there without supervision - I'd tell GM she isn't going there again AT ALL without an apology and admission that GM was talking out of her arse.

I have calmed down a bit. I just feel so broken for her she is at such a delicate age where she is becoming aware of her differences between her and her peers. I fought long and hard to get her the perfect school - which I think I have and she has done amazing there so far and really settled in. I work hard to ensure she never feels worth less than anyone else and feel like it’s just been all stamped on in a flash.
I will evaluate my plan of grandparents contact.

@Everlore

this praise is definitely meant for you

Both my daughters at age 11, when they left primary school, were considered “way behind” and were getting extra support. Both subsequently flourished at a state secondary, with DD1 now having a first from one of the UK top universities and DD2 off to a great Uni next year. 11 is way to young to make any kind of judgement about capability. And I’d be absolutely fuming too if anyone had said that to my daughters. And getting to Uni is not the be all and end all anyway. Plenty of people do incredibly well without a degree.

What is her health likely to mean for her education going forward? Is she innately clever (I don’t say bright as the word is overused and watered down now) so missed education won’t be a problem?

I'm angry on your behalf. How dare she crush a young girls hopes. Disgraceful.

They have said a terrible thing. But you sound amazing and if she got those Sats results on 20% attendance she is going to do well. Also you can get tutors etc if you need them. Tell your DD she can be an OT if she wants to be!!

Your ILs were beyond rude. Undermining an 11yo is just appalling.

Even if they are across every test score she’s has and know her current academic abilities they have no place saying anything about her future unless it’s encouragement.

And she wants to be an OT in a word where many 11yos would say they want to be ‘an influencer’. Amazing.

Time to cut contact with them for the foreseeable future.

Your in laws are interfering. It is absolutely none of their business in how you educate your child and what her results are at school and they should not be making the kind of comments they are making to your daughter and making her feel inadequate. All children are different and they mature and develop at different rates. Effectively , if what you have been told by your child is true they have said to her that she cant achieve her goals because she is not clever enough, she has issues and wont amount to very much which is divisive and cruel. Her reports and SATS results are none of their business or of the older grandchildren and they shouldn't be commenting but you might not be getting the truth, if you werent there you cant really be sure what was said unless these parents have past form. I think a word is necessary and should be undertaken by your husband. You say your daughter is 11, she is in the first year of Secondary School. Its a difficult period for many children coming from their primary school in settling into big school and the learning really does crank up a gear. It's important that you support your child that you help her to address her worries and that you get her into school because you do not want to let her get into a pattern of school refusal and reinforcing her anxieties. Personally far too many parents are putting the autism, ADHT plaster on social imbalance hence the long time periods for assessment and the lack of resources. Some parents have gone down the home education route and they cannot even cover the bases. I think you have to concern yourself with helping your daughter to adjust to school, keep abreast with the work and help her to settle into the routine of attending school regularly, developing relationships
and moving toward adolescent independence. You should be focusing on GCSES or fall outs with the in laws. Also take care with your daughters access to social media, most bullying takes place online. Im a teacher.

Typo. You should NOT be focusing on GCSES or fall outs with the in laws!

Your daughter has plenty of time to up her grades. How dare anyone knock hers

“ getting her in to school “ she is not a school refuser - she was off because she having an organs transplant.
I am a bit confused by your input about autism and adhd not once have a specified she has any of these.

What an awful thing to say to a child! Your dd has done amazingly well with just 20% attendance. You should be so proud of her. I would I be telling her grandparents exactly what I thought of them!!

probable undiagnosed neurodiversity and difficult family circumstances meant that I did appallingly badly in my GCSEs despite being bright enough. I’m now an OT, it’s actually a very inclusive profession and welcomes people who are a bit different and think outside the box! I’m sure your dd would make a lovely OT if that’s what she still wants to do when she is older. Her life experience will actually give her an advantage and a better understanding of and more empathy for the people she works with.

She’s cognitively able and I would say she is intelligent. She is not advanced compared to her school peers for obvious reasons - but also not that far behind which I think is incredible.

Please tell your daughter that she should never give up on her dreams. I know a young lady with CP who has done amazingly well for herself, becoming an expert in a very niche industry. She has been headhunted by a prestigious institution overseas, all before her mid 20s. None of this was clear at age 11. Far from it. Like your daughter, lots of other things to contend with throughout primary school. Wishing you both all the best ❤️

Id noted from a later post from you that your daughter's primary school years were disrupted because she required an organ transplant, this has required time off undoubtedly due to illness and the need for isolation during the transplant process because she would have been immunosuppressed. Im not sure what CP is that you state she also has. This puts a slightly different complexion on things and if what has happened at the Grandparents house is correct then this needs nipping in the bud and your husband most certainly should be speaking to them. Also speak to your daughter and ask how ahe feels about contact with them. Warm and loving Grandparents would be applauding their Grand daughter, boosting her confidence and applauding her for her bravery not putting her down. Further plenty of employees in the health service doctors, nurses and others have gone into it because of the treatment they've received and with disabilities they have because they want to make a difference and it makes them empathetic practitioners.

Stay angry but hard. The only job of decent grandparents is to build their grandchildren up - to be the wind beneath their wings - not a leaden weight! All the more so here as any emotionally normal grandparent would surely be the more loving and caring towards a child who has been through all that your daughter has. Bear in mind that even all these strangers on the internet are appalled.

If you think that your daughter is emotionally mature enough to understand and if she still seems upset by them, you could try explaining that she should never again pay the slightest regard to what they say as what they have said to her on this occasion is so incredibly inappropriate, inaccurate, insensitive and downright nasty as to show that no weight can be given to their opinions.

Sorry I misread it on the back of a different poster and couldn't edit it out. I rewrote a reply on the basis of your post saying your girl had an organ transplant and had lost school due to her illness. That's a very different matter and in light of that makes what you've had to deal with these Grandparents very understandable I think as I said a word is necessary with them and a talk with your daughter about contact with them at the present time. Your daughter is doing very well and achieving good results, she doesn't need putting down by her Grandparents. You said that they were academic family, this kind of behaviour by the Nan is certainly not sensitive or intelligent it's almost vindictive and demoralising..she needs to get a life! Sorry gor misunderstanding.

Jesus christ! If i thought that a child’s illness at 11would preclude her from attending university and having a career I’d flee the country with her. What a ludicrous system. Higher education shouldn’t be rationed that way.

Joining the outrage at Granny and her stupid opinions. And I'm sorry your amazing dd was flattened by her utter tactlessness.

Time for a talk perhaps. I'm sure that your dd knows how proud you are of her, but a reminder of how amazingly she's done could be timely along with the prediction that Granny will be eating her words soon. You and your dd will show her that she can be (almost) anything she wants.

(Ex teacher here. You can tell her that with those SAT results after so much absence. she will crush GCSE. (Tell her from me not to look up GCSE papers yet. If she wants to do well in English - in fact in any subject - read, read, read. (And read stuff she enjoys.) There is a direct correlation between reading and exam success. And it's fun too.)

Edited to close my brackets!

What a nasty cow your MIL is! Shame on her for knocking her granddaughters confidence.

A good friend of mine was told by a teacher at school that she was 'too ambitious' wanting to do A levels and that she should be more realistic regarding her career aims.

That same friend now has a PhD.

I am angry on your behalf. Idiots! Your DD is only 12!

Fucking hell- I’d be livid.

How dare she!

id Have punched her lights out. She should be encouraging and building your DD up not making her feel bad because of her health issues. They don’t define her. You sound like a wonderful mum and I hope these comments from ‘gran’ don’t put her off