In laws telling DD she would never make it to university.

[Getbackinyourlane12]

Hi
this is more of a rant than anything else ! In laws have 8 grandchildren and the eldest has just started university ( not my DC )
my eldest has just started secondary school and so a while off yet !
DD was over at grandparents the weekend and came back a little upset questioning me about university and getting upset that she will never be able to be an Occupational therapist.
I asked where this has come from and it turns out during the weekend her cousin was talking about her new life at university and DD took an interest and said she wanted to be an OT. She is 11 so I’m aware this can change 🤣 her nan then went on to tell her that I am not setting her up for the reality of her future. To get in to university you will need to do well in your GCSES for college and then well in your A levels and unfortunately your ability is below that. What ?? She’s 11 😭😭 this has all come about because they are all huge academics and asked daughter when she got her sats results what they were.
not to drip feed there was huge health impacts and other factors than meant her primary education was not your average !
she is now able to attend school more and is a great school with great results for children who need a smaller environment but are academic.
I spoke to the in-laws and the MIL said I was misleading daughter and it was better for me now to work towards more an enable goal and have a plan for her that is realistic and not a pipe dream.

she’s 11 😭she’s a tough cookie and in my opinion extremely smart !

My husband failed his GCSE’s he managed to scrap through a few the year after, scrap though his alevels and flunked out of uni! He now runs a very successful mortgage brokerage. So at 11 she defo had time to put the work in to get where she wants to be

Occupational therapist is a fantastic aim. And a realistic one too!
Good for your daughter.

She wouldn’t be going alone to grandma’s again though

You know, this is a thread that one really wishes might be forwarded to the horrid MIL. Let the chorus of appalled but also helpful, informed, encouraging, sympathetic Mumsnetters shout her down to her face!

You are right to not let her have unsupervised contact. I would tell GPs to keep their nose out of other people's life ambitions and they are not seeing GD alone again EVER.

Your poor DD
Ex MIL gave my DD or advice too eg vocational subjects bad idea and poorly regarded .
Angered me and I challenged her !
DD chose A levels and did badly but did an access course and now training to be a teacher !
Deffo get your OH to have a word !

MIL sounds ill advised (as mine was )

Unis accept a variety of qualifications

Oxbridge maybe not but vast majority - son got offered places at Bath / Loughborough / Birmingham with his BTEC

How bloody dare they put your child down like that, OP! You are not unreasonable

Tell your mother in law where to go your daughter sounds great x my parents were like this I was told I was t going to uni because it was a stupid idea and if I went to study in another city I could never come home I believed them and never applied ( was the olden days when it was UCAS and Pcas) this was after I got the best O levels in my year , and they thought it was stupid ! I now have a masters degree did not invite them to my graduation

I truly hope you haven't raged about the outrageous GPs in front of her and have laughed it off with her as them being stupid so it doesn't stick in her head. She has done amazingly well so far and has such a long way to go in her education. She deserves every chance to work out her life's path independently without her ill informed GPs sticking their oar in. She deserves to have her own future on her own terms - good luck to her.

Ignore the witch and focus on supporting your DD.

Mine has decided late into her very humanities based GCSEs that she wanted a career in science. Her maths teacher told us that she will never get into A levels in her school to do maths while she needed 3 sciences - not good enough. So, we got her private tutoring and channelled our anger into hard work. And indeed, she didn’t stay in that school - instead, she passed entry exams into a prestigious grammar school and competed 6th Form there. Gone on to get a science degree with a distinction and two awards, and now nearly completed her PhD.

Your success is what you make of it as a team, not some old bat’s nonsense.

I was born with severe physical disabilities, born without eyes and with multiple joint deformities. I also spent long periods in hospital during my childhood and frequently missed months of school due to chronic health issues and necessary surgeries related to my disabilities.
I flourished academically and got top grades in my GCSEs and A-levels and then went on to receive a first class degree from a prestigious university and now work in a rewarding career.
I give the vast majority of credit for my academic achievements to my incredible parents, particularly my dad, who never stopped fighting for me to have the very best educational opportunities possible. When it became evident that mainstream local secondary schools could not meet both my academic and access needs my dad found a boarding school a few hourseaway, which specialised in providing blind children with a rigorous academic curriculum as well as teaching vital daily living skills and he fought tooth and nail to get our LEA to fund my place there, where I thrived both academically and socially.
Also, throughout my first twelve years of life, when most of my hospitalisation and school absense took place, my dad went out of his way to ensure I had the best home and bedside education possible, both by paying for tutors but, more importantly, in constantly reading to me and finding other ways to expand my educational horizons himself. My parents also never told me that I couldn't do something, they encouraged me to try anything I was interested in. Of course there were lots of things I couldn't do but I worked that out for myself.
My dad had also been disabled all of his life and he was determined that I should have the opportunities he wished his parents had fought for for him. He was a very intelligent and well-informed man, despite never having had the chance to go to university due to his troubled upbringing. He was one of the cleverest people I've ever known, a true example of a great auto-didact and a great advocate for the idea that education never has to stop.
This is my long-winded way of saying that your daughter, who sounds amazing by the way, will be a great success in whatever she decides to do. I know that because she has something far more important than high SAT scores, a brilliant mum who will always fight her corner and make sure she has everything she needs to succeed, and perhaps most importantly, loves and believes in her! There is nothing more valuable for a child than a loving supportive parent.
As for your MIL, she sounds both incredibly unpleasant and also, despite her and her family's much vaunted academic prowess, pretty stupid if she's writing off an eleven year old girl who has missed huge chunks of school in recent years due to ill-health entirely based on some test scores which will be irrelevant and outdated in a couple of years.
It is amazing to me that any parent or grandparent wouldn't think that their child was the most brilliant child in the world, so your MIL is also very unnatural as well as nasty and stupid!

Keep building her up and having her back. And bugger them. She can just prove them wrong then.

When I was that age, I had a head teacher look at my exam scores and tell me he’d be surprised if I managed to finish secondary school. It was 35 years ago now, and I have never forgotten it.

I finished secondary school, top of my year actually. I went to uni. I went on and got a master’s degree. And then a PhD. No one else in my family had ever been to uni before. Even my own mum once told me she didn’t think I’d manage a PhD. But I did.

I actually had always planned to send that head teacher a letter when I got my PhD and tell him thanks for lighting a fire under me, you absolute asshole. But it turns out he’d had a heart attack and died several years before, probably from being such a jerk.

Her SATs are amazing considering her attendance. She may also do very well being an OT because of her own health struggles (especially with teenagers who think no one else in the world understands them). You tell her that we always meet people who doubt us but we go and prove them wrong.

Yanbu at all. Tell her that it’s far too early at 11 to rule things out and at this stage there’s no reason she shouldn’t keep working hard and striving towards her dreams.
Writing her off already is only going to cause damage, encouragement to aim as high she can is what’s needed.

My DD got C,D E at A level and is now studying OT and doing fine - it is not a particularly academic course. The particularly welcome those who have had challenges, as, unlike Grandma, they are likely to be empathetic. There is also no reason to say this to an 11 year old, even if she didn't have the challenges she did.

Hear, hear!

Your mil is a disgrace, writing off your dd at 11! Who knows what she will end up doing, she has 4+ years til GCSEs, how awful to tell an 11 year what she did.

@everlore that's really inspiring, and what an amazing DDad you had!

Oh your poor DD. I’m nearly 60 and I can still hear the disparaging things my nan said to me between the ages of 9 - 18 - I’d never pass an ‘O’ level (11!) or A level (2) and was only good enough to be a secretary (who are amazing people btw) or gopher for my far more wealthy cousin.

I had a successful career in education & then went back to Uni in later life, have a 1st class degree and a totally unexpected new career. But that voice is still in the back of my mind telling me I’m useless.

Please tell your DD from me - stick your fingers in your ears and yell ‘lalalala’ until your awful granny shuts up with her cruel words if she tries It again, and if she says yourself being rude, tell her you’ll stop when she stops being cruel.

You have already shown so much determination and character and your SATS results show this. Use the next 7 years to find your strengths and if you still want to be an OT you go for it, knowing that you are a strong young woman who has the world at her feet.

(And tell granny that she’s just like the awful parents in Matilda, and we all know what happened to them).

Good luck.

She will hopefully find a super pathway with this attitude and could hopefully really help other young people going through similar challenges. Best wishes.

Your MIL is foul and is in no place to make these remarks.

It sounds like a pattern of behavior - so I would suggest much reduced contact and limited information flow with them and all that side of the family.

Would they do days out - where there is neutral ground and a distraction or just you being there to stand in - though comments could still get through when your back is turned or just keep in touch with Uncles/Aunts/cousins.

The problem does seem to be this is who MIL is and not not really fair to expect young preteen to have to deal with it as this nasty kind of drip drip can be very corrosive long term.

So presumably she has direct experience of OT?

Good for her.

Her grandparents sound vile

I can’t imagine saying anything like that to my grandchildren. Surely you encourage hopes and dreams for the future, and want them to aspire to reach their goals. How horrible.
At 11, she’s got years of school left.
FFS the in-laws sound bloody awful.

Just to give you a bit of hope OP on how much can change between ages 11-18. My dd2 is dyslexic and was in all bottom classes when she started secondary school. Her primary school had been pretty awful at helping her. But she was able to get the help and proper teaching she needed in secondary school. She went on to pass her GCSEs first time, then her A-Levels and is now doing English Lit at uni. Considering she hated reading back at age 11, it's such a turnaround for her.

The things your MIL said are bloody appalling! To right off a child academically at such a young age!

You’ve made me cry! You fiend

My DS got similar SATs to your DD (and with almost 100 percent attendance). His GCSEs were better than predicted, but not startling and included some grade 3s. He has just started a degree at Oxford University. Young people develop in very different ways, and it is not right or accurate to make assumptions based on SATs.

This is an amazing read. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences.
❤️