Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

What on earth are you suggesting? That they give all their money away and then have to rely on the state to provide care?

My dad was mean with money but when he died I inherited a tidy sum. It’s his money @Antisocialg1t , just get on with your own life.

@Antisocialg1t I don't understand this at all, I mean I don't understand your attitude on this.

He isn't hoarding it just to annoy you, he is saving it. Presumably he worked, possibly longer hours than you. He would also I guess, have bought property in the days of what 16% interest rate. He's raised you so he's done the hard work of working and raising children.

Are there two of them? If that money is for two people then they probably will need it for care and medical, probably every last penny.

I think it's incredibly disappointing to see people who are just outright jealous of their own parents - there's this prevailing mentality at the moment on here (hopefully less so in real life) of being weirdly jealous of retired people who have some savings.

What is that about? There are things things about each generation where they've had some good stuff and bad stuff. I would much rather not be living through a tech era. So I could be envious of my parents for that.

Yep. What's the point? The best time to gift some assets is before there's a diagnosis of something or other on file. Honestly, so many older people leave it too late and come a cropper over this 'expectation of future care' thing.

It sounds like he has denied himself all his life and is very proud of his accumulated wealth. He probably sees you and your DC living less frugally than he does so why would he spend it on your excesses (as he perceives it) when he doesn't spend on himself. I wonder what his plans are, maybe he wants the best elderly care and is saving for this. Either way it might be frustrating but it's also none of your business, you are not entitled to it.

I'm sure my poor father never wanted to be in a care home either, but as he's in the very advanced stages of Alzheimers, doubly incontinent, unable to move, speak or do anything at all for himself, there was no alternative.

You have to consider your father's situation...

I'm 78, almost 79, and my life expectancy is 10 years, maybe. I'm having a little difficulty managing, and I am considering moving to a very nice retirement home. The cost for the "independent living" section is about $70,000 a year. The "assisted living" section is $120,000 a year. I hate to think about the cost of the "dementia" section.

So, I'm looking at perhaps 5 years of "independent" maybe $350,000 total, and 5 years of "assisted", maybe $600,000. So I can anticipate my expenses will be as much as $950,000, plus inflation. The funds will come from my pension, interest on the savings, and drawing down capital.

Perhaps your father has done similar research.

Two differences between my situation and your father. I don't boast about my savings; in fact, I'm a little bit ashamed. And I give cash at Christmas and birthdays to each of the grandchildren (all adults, with career-type jobs).

I guess I should mention that no one in the family is short of money.

Edit: I should add that my will leaves any money left to the children and grandchildren.

It's quite awful isn'i it.
Periodically it raises its ugly head on MN.

Paying for care when you need it?

YANBU my father is the same and yes - I resent him for it
He has always been tight and selfish

it seems people on here don’t want their elderly parents to pay for their own care - instead they want to get their hands on the cash (phrased as paying for music lessons and naice things for grandchildren but it’s a basic grabby attitude however you dress it up) meaning the taxpayer pays for care AND yet these same people don’t want to pay IHT so again less tax in the pot. Honestly just pay your own way in life, and pay for your kids music lessons, and stop obsessing about other people’s bank accounts and how to get your hands on the contents.

Savings are not hoardings though. He will likely need those as his needs increase to cover costs for care, rainy day fund and similar.

Hear, hear. I want my parents to spend their money on making their remaining years as comfortable as possible and our kids want the same for us.

Your parents could need this money if they end up in a retirement home, which is extortionately expensive.
Also generally money boarders can't spend it, they find it too hard to part with their money. So you'll probably get it eventually.
You have to make your own way on life. And live for yourself, being resentful is holding you back

I do know my father in law who is86 woukd like to give a fair bit away £150k or so to his 2 sons and 2 grandchildren , but dare not now because of the ‘deprivation of assets thing’ if he needs care at any point and is concerned it could put us in a mess - he’s not at inheritance tax level due to his wife dying 20 years ago but including house more around the £600k level

I have encouraged my parents to spend every last penny they have on themselves. I can't imagine wanting to dip my hand in. Never have.

It isn’t just care homes people need money for in their later years of life. Help at home and decent carers are very expensive if the people involved want to continue to live in their own homes. Unless the younger generation of the family are planning to provide such care, it can be best to accept that the elders are self-sufficient.

we retired early (55) Still have several years till pensions kick in. Damn right we are hoarding our money.. but we are lucky in the sense that our adult kids do not care, want us to enjoy our retirement, and have all said to spend it all on a fantastic retirement as we raised them and sacrificed for years to give them everything we could at the time...we both worked extra hours to fund uni. They will get a healthy amount when we are gone as we are living off the interest on our investments, but if they were money grabbers, I would be living more lavishly and spending the money WE earned (luckily my kids say to do so...we are still frugal though as it is just ingrained.)

We have given everything to our daughter - she needs it now, end of!

I don't think you and your Dad are as far away as you think. He's motivated by leaving a legacy for you and your children when he's gone. You too are obviously hugely motivated by doing things for your children but in the here and now. He looks at you and thinks you are doing a good job,and you are managing without his help. so he doesn't step in. If you need help, have you asked him?

I'm in my 60s, hoping to retire in a year or two, and yes, I'm saving as hard as I can. My DDs are in their 30s and fully independent. I raised them as an SP, on a very low income when they were small (pre-NMW) and only hauled myself up into a job with a decent salary when they were at secondary school so I started saving relatively late compared to others in my age group. I helped my kids as much as I could when they were in their 20s, and if either of them were seriously struggling I'd help them now. But while they're managing, I think the best thing for me and for them is for me to save hard so that I'm less likely to be a burden on them as I age. Perhaps that's what your parents are doing? None of us has a crystal ball and we can't predict what kind of old age we'll have, but it seems sensible to put aside as much as you can, subject to not letting your kids actually suffer.

Indeed

Anyone who criticises their parents for keeping hold of their money - are you willing and able to fund their future care if they’ve spent the money on you instead?

If he was splashing it all on an expensive lifestyle and not thinking about his future needs, that would be more of a problem IMO.

250k is not vast amounts of wealth if your retired. My parents have net worth of atleast 3 Million. Probably 4. Maybe more. I don’t actually know because I have never asked. But I don’t expect a penny of it for me. That’s generational wealth. If they choose to leave it to us it will be kept safe and passed to my children when we pass.

Lots of my friends are saving for their children to give them lump cash at 18. I thinks that’s an awful thing to do. My parents could have done that for me and they would have removed all joy and sense of achievement. I am so proud of what we have built, the journey, the fear, the tears, the laughter, the wins. All ours.

But I appreciate that’s it’s different to some of my friends who had nothing; because I know the moneys there. That gives security even if I have no intention of asking for it or if I do become custodian spending it. I hope my children feel the same.

Your father doesn’t sound that nice if he is boasting about money in front of you. He really does sound like being on the mean side of tight. However, when you retire, it is really good to have a comfortable buffer as you will never be able to earn money again. He may spend the last few years of his life in a nursing home and if you have the money for this then you won’t have problems getting into one. Increasingly councils are not putting people, who they pay for, into care homes. They are leaving them in their own homes with 3/4 carers a day. If he doesn’t end up in a care home, then hopefully he will leave some money to you and your children.

Ah right, so if he gives the OP and her kids his money, they will look after him and he won't need to worry about funding his care himself - that is absolutely guaranteed, yeah?

No need for him to worry?