Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Totally agree. If my children behaved like that I’d go and put my money on an old nag! The sense of entitlement beggars belief. We have helped our children out but it was given as a loan and they paid it back.

I tbink it’s a decent amount to have. The bragging is tone deaf though if you are struggling. But bear in mind he could easily spend £1.5k a week in carers - that’s 3 years worth of money. Really not all that.

Exactly the same with my parents. Stacks of money in the bank, my Dad spends most of his days talking to his finance guy about tax etc… We’ll be getting it all (me & sister) as per their will, but meanwhile they don’t seem able to enjoy it. Mum buys budget food, and they’d never go out for dinner or a show. They dress like tramps. Wouldn’t dream of buying toys for the grandkids. Dad is always telling me how much he can gift us tax-wise. My sister gets it (she asks) but I never have…

Funny how everyone is so keen for parents to spend their money, so long as it’s on them or the grandchildren, I expect if they were spending it on cruises for themselves posters on here would be resentful of that as well.

You'll be grateful he has thay money when he care needs increase and you wont have to take on alot to care doe him whilst also raising your kids or having to pay for ot. He will have money to pay for care, cleaners etc. And well if he is lucky not to need to care or he passes away suddenly then you will inherit what is left minus taxes anyway.

But what would you rayher have him helping you and kids now then not having enough to pay for care and you havinf to pick that up? Its not easy caring for someone and depending on their needs can be really tough.

It won’t last more than a couple of years if he needs care. And it’s not even a decent retirement income.

We have wealthy relatives who do now gift excess money to us and the grandchildren for IHT planning. We are very grateful. However, that’s having a larger sum than £250,000. Some people in our family have died young, one just at retirement, 80’s, 90’s and even 100! The pot of money needs to last an unknown length of time and potentially pay for care. It’s wise not to gift too much and leave yourself short. I intend to help our children when we are able, whilst also being mindful of the future.

Give it away, or spend it, both totally fine - but hoarding it (beyond a conservative amount for care costs) is just daft! Kids will be too old to make the most of it and HMRC will get 40% over a certain amount.

It’s their money to spend, or not as they see fit, nothing to do with you or anyone else how they choose to live their lives.

I always think this on inheritance threads.

Only a small percentage of people
do. It's not a given

I completely agree. It’s a tendency of many on the left to believe that it’s someone’s else’s job to provide for them. It’s of no surprise that on a site that is disproportionally left leaning that there is such a frenzy of envy and indignation towards anyone who dares to better themselves, or prepare themselves for the future. If people spent less time worrying about what others might (or might not) have, and focus on what they do have (and how to improve it) they might have a happier outlook on life. Comparison being the thief of joy after all :)

The inheritance thing is particularly odd, as the same people who think they are entitled to it are also rather vocal about it not being taxed as their parents worked hard for it. Personally I couldn’t care less an about inheritance tax, as I’ll be dead. And I’d rather my parents lived long and comfortable lives than inherit anything from them - and I certainly didn’t assume any inheritance as part of my own retirement planning. If / when I do I inherit I will be in my 60s or even 70s, and retired for 10/20 years, so counting on it would have been a life of waiting, which is grim and grasping and rather sad.

A good dementia care home can be £2000/week. Don't ask how I know.

If anyone could help me work how to gift money to someone who doesn't to take it, that would be nice...

I think some people genuinely do think they can take it with them, or that they may be the first person ever to be immortal.

But overall I think it’s a mentality that is hard to break. some people, especially among the very elderly generation, grew up with rationing and were poor. They learnt frugality from their parents and still have that mentality even if they become wealthy.

i have some elderly relatives 85+ who hoard all sorts of things, cupboards of dry goods, tins, toilet rolls etc as if we are going to have another world war and need to hoard things just incase. It’s a habit some people were taught and it stuck.

God forbid, they go on holiday (and buy you unbranded groceries...)

My elderly father is the same. Has hundreds of thousands invested. Their house worth £700k (purchased for £10k with help from my GPs). Yet he is as tight as a ducks arse.

Mum has dementia and I help them around 5 days a week. I have health issues which are getting worse but I'm having to sit for ages on long NHS waiting lists as I have no funds for private consultations and treatment. Despite helping my parents all the time my father has never once offered to help me even though he knows I struggle with my health.

Not going to lie, it stings.

You and your father have lived in different times, there's been advantages and disadvantages to both. Right now, he's lucky, may not always have been so.

Comparison is the rhief of joy. Assuming he'd been a good dad, I wouldn't begrudge him his luck

That’s true of course. This thread is about our own opinions though (isn’t that the point of MN?!)

Yes and I’m giving you mine.

25% of people need some help with care in old age, and 2.5% end up in care homes. So that’s a cost of probably somewhere between £100 and £2,000 a week for quality, non council care. But if you are over 85 there’s a 10% chance of being in a care home, and if you are over 95 it’s nearer 40%. And as, generally, there’s a positive correlation to affluence and longevity many people will need some savings for care, and some will need quite substantial ones.

And anyway, there are plenty of other threads bemoaning the fact that parents expect to be looked after by relatives… so it seems to me that the OPs father is being reasonably sensible. He probably prefers being independent.

Next time he brags about it just say,"you better save a bit harder it 4.5k a month for a care home, looks like you'll need it!!

A little bit similar position here. My dad also wealthy in retirement. They are quite generous with it which is nice and I won’t lie it makes life much easier and I am very grateful. Occasionally though I see a bit of something ugly that grates on me as sometimes he’ll say he’ll pay for xyz so we all go along with the plan, then at the end ask for a contribution! Then the next day or soon after he’ll be on the phone telling me he’s made such and such investment which he will transfer to us at whatever date. I think ‘I’ve just paid you £300 for the thing we did (that we did for you) so why are you now basically sending it back!!’ It’s all a bit farcical and I wonder sometimes if he’s gone a bit senile!!!

Yeah my dad in particular has this fear, I don’t think it ever truly goes away for some people

It won’t go far if he needs care

Yes Mil spends over 100k per year on her adequate, but by no means glamorous care home. She had assets of 500k. Now she has bugger all. Your Dad's money may not go far when it comes to the crunch. Also if he deliberately deprives himself of assets by giving it to you, social services won't step in when he runs out of money.