Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Gosh

my dad is similar, he’s late 80s and the money has meant he can afford top notch private care home where he is happy and looked after and my siblings and I can just visit him for meals or take him out

he’s worked hard and lived carefully and this is how he is spending it, now that he is frail and he needs it, and it is wonderful that he can do this.

that money was never mine, my own life is up to myself. Why do you feel your dad owes you? Was he not a good dad supporting you into adulthood and independence?

The idea that there is a difference in council funded care and private care is not accurate. one of the reasons care home fees are so high is that private payers subsidise council funded places in the same care homes. As always those who have planned and saved end up just subsidising those who rely on the state.

He should buy assets, not keep that much as cash.

That money does them for the rest of their lives and with all the talk of governments not being able to afford the cost of old age it’ll be needed!

My parents are currently spending the equivalent of about £7500/mo for services in an upscale retirement home. This will increase substantially if they need a higher level of care.

They are reasonably generous to their DGC but not overly so. We are all very glad that they are prioritising their own end of life care.

True, and what I’d also add, as someone who did retire last year, is that not having a regular salary drop into your account every month, or the ability to move jobs and increase your income, does rather focus the mind on what resources you have available for the short/medium/long term!

Likewise changes in tax / government policy are harder to make up for. When you’re working you have choices, either to push for a pay rise, promotion or move jobs. And large, unexpected expenses are one thing when you’re working, but another when your only income is from the assets you’ve managed to accumulate and that a government without a plan is keen to relieve you of!

Did you do without as children?

What he does with his money is none of his adult children’s business.

So if you get to 85 still a 9out of 10 chance you are NOT in a cars home. So not a case of ," he will ," spend all his money on care

I'm 39 and will never own a home. I recently found out that my db's girlfriend wants my dps to sell their house to buy a big house as db's deposit isn't enough for her. A house bought for less than 40k that's now a mil at least.

I was fucking outraged by it, I hope they piss it all up the wall on holidays before it's too late.

I'd say he was a dad of his time. I grew up in the 80s. He'd spend time with me, but only on his terms.
Being a dad to two teens myself, I know expectations have changed. By today's standards he wouldn't fare well, but I never had a complaint growing up.
I really only take issue with later life., He retired at 50 and in the 25 years since I could count the times he freely gave his time to support me and DW on one hand. He's lived a fairly self absorbed existence where he's mostly done what he wanted to do. He's spent next to no time with my children, and certainly never looked after them. I just don't think he's interested.
A lot of comments on here are about wanting his money. If he'd given more of his time, there would likely be less money hoarded and I definitely wouldn't be feeling resentful. Money is the trigger, but only in showing me what his wealth has cost.

OMG, are you me?! My dm keeps banging on about how much money she has. I know exactly how much she has, I have POA. She says she doesn’t need it and told me last time I visited that her plan was to go to the cash point and withdraw the max from 2 accounts per day and give it to me because that’s an easy way to pass on cash without complications but then didn’t follow through. I asked if she still wanted to do this but she said ‘I gave you £100 for your birthday!’ Absolutely fair enough, that was very generous, no way do I want to push that, nor do I need it.

I have suggested that she gives my cousin some money/pays for days out. My cousin takes her out, visits, makes sure she’s ok, has discovered her unable to get off the floor twice, called the ambulance, visited her in hospital, looked after her when she got out. My cousin has multiple dc and would seriously benefit from a couple of grand, but my dm is determined (I think) to hoard her money and ensure me and my sibling inherit her house/money 50/50. She mentions this a lot. We have both repeatedly told her we have no need of her money and that she should spend it on whatever she fancies/something frivolous/my cousin/the dc-there are 7 between 2 cousins who are like dgc to her. However, her money, her choice, but she keeps asking my cousin what she should do with her money!

I know someone who bangs on about he has plenty of money and I'm comfortable enough. I just smile and reply "That's nice," and channel my inner Mrs Brown.

Well said.

My in laws are the same. It’s sad knowing they knew we struggled sometimes, like when my job ended as the company went bust, nothing I did wrong, they never offered to help and we are still paying off debt 4 years later.

Yes, that's very familiar. I don't want other people's money either but there's a tension as though they feel guilty about having so much from frankly just the housing market. And they think I should want it possibly? But don't 🤣

If he has £250,000 saved (not hoarded) that gives him a potential interest income of about £10,000 a year (before tax) not exactly a huge amount.

If their saved money pays for their care when they eventually need it, the rest of their estate will probably be left to their children.

That’s one way of looking at it.

I’d rather see my children enjoy it whilst I’m alive personally, but not everyone is the same.

I don't get this. I would never expect a hand out or feel entitled to someone else's money. People are entitled to save and do whatever they want with it. For some people who maybe grew up in harder times, they may feel safe and protected having substantial savings plus they will probably leave it to their children in their will anyways. Don't get me wrong if you were really struggling to put food on the table and in dire need then of course a parent should want to help out but other than that no one deserves their parents money.

She doesn't want to discuss it, or have it, isn't it tone deaf of him to discuss it?

"Saving", not "hoarding". You talk as if it is smth shameful to do.

Felt the need to respond to this one. I may be suffering from a 'grass is greener' situation here. Dad has index linked DB + state pension. It might be the industry I work in but I'm not seeing opportunities to increase salary.
Comparing mine and Dad's financial situation, household incomes are not dissimilar when you account for housing costs. But mine is a four person household where adults work collectively 75 hours / week + parenting, whereas parents live in a 2 person household and none of the same time pressures.
We afford a similar standard of living but are absolutely living to our means (i.e. no savings), whereas my original post stated my dad saves £2k / month.

We afford a similar standard of living but are absolutely living to our means (i.e. no savings), whereas my original post stated my dad saves £2k / month.

Isn't that life with and without children at home if the standard of living is the same otherwise?

I do see making some financial provision for my future care needs as something I do for my kids, not just me. It's so stressful dealing with a parent's care needs as it is - BTDT. That said I do plan to still help them with things when I retire if I can, but I think being able to find funds for everything from taxis when I can't drive any more to carers in my home is partly for their benefit too, not just mine, because it will keep me more independent for longer.

My parents are slightly different. They have huge savings and amazing pensions but live very frugally. I keep telling them to spend it and enjoy it while they are still well enough to travel etc. They keep saying it’s mine and my siblings inheritance and they want to leave us with as much as they can. I keep saying it’s will end up on care costs and to just book a cruise but they are insistent they want us to have it when they are gone. Funny thing is my Dsis massively struggles financially and is one broken washing machine away from complete disaster. I work a 40 hour full time job and have a second 20 hour part time job just to be able to afford sons uni fees. I don’t understand why if they want us to have it they don’t just help us out now. Hopefully they will live for at least another 20 years and it’s just strange that they will watch my DSis struggle in the meantime. I’m fine. I choose to work the additional hours so my son doesn’t leave Uni with any debt but my Dsis literally will go without food so her kids can eat . I help her out as much as I can and my parents know this but it would never occur to them to give her any money.

The way the cost of living rises are going, it won’t be long before we will be rationing heating and food.

We downsized to reduce costs, but I don’t think it’s going to be enough. The children have had house deposits and the grandchildren have regular cash in their savings accounts, as well as birthday money etc.

We have a small house, with no mortgage, but no holidays and the days out I’d hoped we’d do aren’t on the agenda now.

I do know people who have more money than they know what to do with. We aren’t among them.