Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

I think you've hit the nail on the head there, at least as far as DH and I are concerned!

We have a lot of money in savings and investments, probably far more than we're ever likely to need. Yet, I still buy a lot of my clothes 2nd-hand and wait until the sales are on before buying anything new. We buy "yellow label" food from Tesco and cheap instant coffee from Lidl.

As you say, it's a hard habit to break. We've been savers all my lives.

It doesn't seem all that long ago we used to say work hard so you can enjoy your retirement but now we want to dictate how people enjoy their retirement. He obviously enjoys saving and having a cushion and seems proud of it. It's his money. I will never understand this attitude towards other people's money.

I don’t know where you got that information from. All I know is that my grandma went into a home (and not a luxury home either) at 92 and rinsed through the £80k she had in savings from house sale, pension (minus £5 a week spends …it costs £35 a month for chiropodist). By 96 the council planned to move a very confused old lady to a council run home 8 miles out of town (daughters in their late 60s/70s wouldn’t have been able to visit). By managing to move to a tiny room and my aunts (both paying out of their meagre pensions £100 a week) the council agreed to pay the remaining £300 a month for 12 months. ‘Fortunately’ she died 8 months later so didn’t have to move again. So yes, if that’s what you want for yourselves and your relatives you keep on blowing all that money on cruises.

Your parents I presume worked just as hard as you and are now reaping the benefits. It may not seem like it now, but you will hopefully be in a similar situation. It’s amazing the difference it makes once you’re mortgage free and the children have flown the nest.

He will have the money to care for himself when he no longer has the ability. This is a good thing.

You will get it all in the end! He probably struggled financially when he was younger too, stop bitching about him having more than you, it's his money. I really don't understand how children think they have some right to their parents money while they are still alive and have no idea how much money they will need in the future. If they were broke how much would you give to your parents? You should be thankful they don't need you to help them out.

This explains it then. People who have lived their whole lives watching every penny find it extremely difficult to spend. It doesn't bring them pleasure in the way that it might for other people. There is a good chance that you will inherit a reasonable amount as he clearly is not going to spend it and you will be able to help your children then.

And if he doesn’t OP will inherit what’s left when he’s sure he doesn’t need it any more. But for now he might need it so he’s sensibly saving it.

Maybe you should give all your savings away as you might die tomorrow or win the lottery next week so there’s a chance you won’t need them…

Exactly my point, once your grandma's money ran out the council stepped in and paid the fees albeit for a smaller room. So as a council paid resident she was in exactly the same place as when she was private paying

I think this is so true. It is easy to forget that many older people lived very impoverished and limited lives as children and young people, in addition they will have seen their own parents and grandparents lives as well, lives that were lived without the safety net of a welfare state. These things can leave deep scars and fears.

The council didnt step in its only because two aunts also contributed that the council then covered the rest to syay in the same place. The council should have covered it all but no they wanted to ship her off somewhere they could afford ignoring the distress that would cause.

Similar situation here. My dad has done nothing practical to support children or grandchildren and has hoarded money obsessively for years. We’ve had numerous conversations about protecting some of his money over the years and he’s done nothing until it’s too late and is likely almost all going to be spent on care. He’s the only person in the wider family to ever have anything more than a minimal amount in assets and it makes me so mad on behalf of the grandchildren that he could have been the one to create some generational wealth (or even spent some over the years to help out, pay for uni etc or just treat them to nice things) and for whatever reason he’s thrown that away. And when they’re facing uncertain futures it feels almost criminal.

Speaking as someone in their late sixties (admittedly with no children), I think we need to hang on to some cash as we are likely to need care either at home or in a residential home. He’s probably going to need the bulk of it.

I think the brutal truth is that some parents feel less protective & sympathetic to their children (and their children’s children) than others do, & less invested in their welfare than others do. I also think that although this is to a great extent a matter of personality (people vary in their emotional thermostats) it is to at least some extent affected by the degree of hardship that the parents themselves have experienced in life. People who have endured financial struggles themselves are often more generous than those who have not.

(I think for instance of an aunt of mine- after her death we found that she had out of her tiny income maintained several standing orders to various small charities- an act of great selflessness & generosity.)

So if your father has always been fairly distant (less of a close emotional connection) and has himself not had to struggle in the same way that young people do today, but has benefited from job & pension security & relatively low house prices, he’s probably just not very closely bonded with you or understanding of the challenges you face in life - in this & in other spheres. Which is sad, obviously.

Same!

Drive from 1 supermarket to another as milk is 10p cheaper
Won’t put the heating on
Won’t eat out
Main meals are from the Tesco reduced counter
Or they make a main meal for 2 last 3 days
No new clothes
Sit in the dark, as won’t turn lights on
Millions in the bank.

I'm in a similar position except for knowing my parents were also in a similar position 30+ years ago and put in a lot of effort and made big sacrifices for my siblings and me.
If I was stuck in the gutter my parents would help, but I'm not. I'm just feeling the pinch.

The council weren't finding anywhere for 300 a week so it seems like the family chose to step in before push came to shove.

I don’t understand why people feel entitled to their parents money whilst they’re still alive. My parents are in their mid - late 70’s and have about £4-5 million in assets. They live off their pensions. They haven’t given a penny to any of their children or grandchildren and neither should they. It’s ours when they die and until that point they should jolly well sit on it and count it if that is what makes them happy.

What are you on about?

Experience has taught me you can’t dictate or even advise old people (family members), what to do with their money. They may ask advice but they won’t take it. And then they end up in a nursing home and it’s all gone.

I have the same with my parents. It is their money to with as they please. But it is a little tone deaf of them to be constantly complaining about how much money they have and how difficult it is to find new places to store it. Both of my siblings are very insecurely housed, struggling with childcare costs. My DC are going to find life harder than we did. So to hear my parents' constant moaning about their mountains of excess cash does wear more than a little.

Thing is, a small amount wouldn’t touch their care home payments (should they be needed). £100 a month would make a huge difference to us - we’re “just about managing” but prioritise swimming lessons for the kids at that cost. The grandparents between them with £1m+ in assets, could contribute £25 each a month and it would make our lives so much easier, and have no impact on their care needs should they get there. But they don’t, and we put off things like a boiler service to give the kids the optional extras like swimming lessons (which many on MN don’t consider an optional extra, but a life skill!)

I never have, and never will, ask for money from my parents or my in laws. But £100 a month would make a huge difference to our lives, and would make no difference to what the grandparents might need should they require care in the future.

Enjoy paying their IHT when the time comes

Yeah its tough, while someone else appears to have it easier than you. You are not unreasonable to change the subject. If he asks you why you can say that you are having a difficult time at the moment, and you can't see a way out of it and when he talks about having to much money you are starting to feel resentful.

The generations that came between the wars and the millenials has an unprecdented level of peace and financial opportunity in which hard work paid off, in a way that is not acheivable now. So you have the same stresses that he had as a young parent, but for you its not looking so secure.

The good news is that he is not going to need you to care/support him when he is no longer able to do that. He can be in a nice resting home to live out his days and that really is a gift to you in the future.

Exactly right. She paid her pension, all savings and aunts paying £400 a month. Council £300 a month for 12 months. Only because new home had a violent 60 year old alcoholic with dementia so was not safe to accept new ‘inmates’ for a while and it would have cost £600 to move my lovely grandma there. But yes. You got me. You spend all your money and you too will get to live your final months just like she did. The council will ‘just pay for it all’