Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

I have been reading the comments with interest .
DH parents have three properties and about 500 thousand in the bank me and DH have worked hard and our three children are all over 18 now . We have managed to put them all through university and given the eldest a deposit for a house .
we have had times when they were younger and we struggled a lot financially but all we ever wanted was for the grandparents to spend some time with them. just for them to pop in for a visit or an invite to their home . ( I lived about 10 minutes away )
they couldn’t have been more disinterested and told us that they were going to enjoy retirement and not waste it on grand children .
forward 27 years they are now in their 80s and called us down to show us how much money and properties they have and said we could get a share if we look after them in their old age as they don’t ever want to go into a home or pay cleaners etc .
we both said no it’s ok we don’t want it . We are coming up to retirement now in a few years . I want to spend time with my children and husband not looking after elderly parents in law .
They constantly ring my kids asking for them to visit but they don’t seem to understand they are all working now and they are strangers really to the children as they have spent no time with them .
i would just ignore the fact he goes on about his money . I’m happy for my in laws to spend the lot on looking after themselves . I only ever wanted some time off them and for them to be interested in the children , but I can’t force them if they don’t want to .
I do agree it’s a bit tone deaf to talk about his money all the time but bite your tongue and ignore him

I was going to say this. There is a misconception or naivety on here that all self-funders are living in bells and whistles care homes and all of the state-funded residents are in the awful homes.

I don’t know why some people have jumped onto the assumption he’s saving for potential care home fees. Sone parents are just more interested in money than they are in their own families.

He sounds very sensible and at least he isn't waving expensive holidays and flash cars in your face. As others have said, he may need that money and he obviously worked hard for it of his pensions are so good. I've worked all my life and will only have about 1300 quid to live on each month once retired. I don't understand why people probably twenty years younger than me are often whining that that their parents have more than they do.

I think it’s really worth pointing out that it’s a shame they want their money to go to HMRC rather than their own children. Do they understand how tax works? Do they want all their money potentially going to a care home provider rather than their own family?

That won’t buy him very long in a decent care home.

The ultra wealthy stay wealthy because they create trusts with lots of rules and keep the wealth hoarded in their family. Can't imagine being so tight fisted with your own children and descendants. Terrible

Hopefully he is seeing a financial advisor to plan for potential care home fees or estate planning. Can't exactly take it with you

It’s all set up to minimise the IHT don’t worry. There are all sorts of trusts and arrangements. My dad wasn’t a financial director for nothing

To be fair that’s only 5 years of care home fees - it’s easily £1k a week. 2.5 years if paying for his wife too! ?

If that's the way he wants to live his life let him get on with it.

Frankly, if it means they can pay for care without being a burden on family or the taxpayer, that’s a good thing. And if some of it gets taken in inheritance tax, that’s not a bad thing either.

Hang on. So he has an annual income of at least £100,000 a year (at least £73,000 after tax), and costs of £84,000.

i get that an £11,000 gap isn’t great for most but seriously he can’t have hoarded much to have ‘barely enough’ now! Was he wildly extravagant??

Being down to savings of under 50K (nothing left in 5 years) having had that sort of a pension since retirement suggests either massive spending or great generosity, doesn’t it??

I would actually ask.
Im in the same situation as the op with a dad who doesn’t know what to do with all of his money, saved from living an extremely frugal life.
DD was recently made redundant and was stressing about her mortgage payments, so I asked him to help her out.
He’s given her three months mortgage money and I think it’s actually made him happy to feel important and needed again.
I would never have done it for myself, but plucked up the courage for my child.

I find inheritance talk weird. Probably because I never got any as mum was piss poor and dad never bothered with me. Grew up relatively poor on a rough council estate; mortgages, pensions and savings were for the rich people. I'm a lot better off than my mum, but that's due to dh's good job.

My inlaws sound like your dad OP. Retired early, probably sitting on a fortune (FIL says to DH "you'll be alright when we go"). They are incredibly frugal and live a very simple, boring, life. They only buy our two dc's things at Christmas and birthday, and they have a budget of £30 per child (they're teenagers now). They are my children's only grandparents and always have been as my mum passed away before they were born. They live very locally but seldom bother with the kids. If I were in their shoes I'd offer to pay for their music lessons or extra-curriculars, come along to watch them at their sports/concerts at school etc. But they don't. I don't care how much they leave dh when the die; to me time spent with the grandchildren when they were young is priceless, and they barely bothered.

I do know of other people who are giving their grandchildren quite a lot of money regularly to save. I guess they're trying to dodge inheritance tax.

Like PP's have said, your dad will have plenty to pay for home care or a care home, so hopefully that's one less thing for you to worry about. But I'm with you; why doesn't he help you out financially now if he can? Just a little to ease your pressures? It's certainly what I'm hoping to do for mine one day if I'm in a similar position (doubtful).

I think most elderly folk who move into care homes are only there for the last few months of their lives, maybe a year or two at the most. There's a very good care home near me that has fees of about £2k per week. So, his £250k would probably see him through a care home stay towards the end of his life. But yes, if he's there for more than a couple of years it'll all be gone.

I am probably missing the point I have a totally different awful complex situation going on regarding dm money

but I find it a sad when older people live in poverty yellow sticker foods refusing to put the heating on when they have money they are stashing away

it reminds me of my ndn growing up the worked opposite shifts she worked 3 jobs they had no holidays together did nothing to their house cooked on one hob didn’t retire then passed away with hundreds of thousands in the bank left to their only adult dd

Would you still feel self respect if you were given handouts?

Yes, Mine are like this. Millionaures in assets. I'm on low wage, uc, single parent. We just have no concept of each others reality.

No he hasn’t “hoarded” money at all he’s saved the money he has earned.

We’ve had numerous conversations about protecting some of his money over the years and he’s done nothing until it’s too late and is likely almost all going to be spent on care

By “protecting” his money what you really mean is hoarding it for yourself so you can spend his money while the tax payer pays for his care.

The rest of your post must be the most selfish, entitled and grabby post I have read on here. How about you provide for yourself and your own children rather than expecting your father to finance your life, he can’t have both “hoarded” his money and “thrown it away” at the same time, what you really mean is you are monumentally pissed off that his money will likely be spent on his own care and the tax payer won’t be funding it. Well done that man 👏👏👏.

I think sometimes it’s a “power” thing, especially those elderly parents who “gloat” about how much money they have in front of their poorer families. Sometimes they have no intention of spending it on care homes either, actually, as they find the costs of care homes to be excessive in their minds.

They just like hoarding it, much like “Scrooge”. I don’t really see the point of that because huge amounts of money just sitting in a bank doing absolutely nothing is simply an inert substance, completely useless to anyone or anything. But if that’s who they are and what they choose to do …

I spend a lot of time visiting a relative in a care home and moat of have them have been there the majority of the three years they’ve been there. Sure there are a few who are there a short while but many are there because of dementia and are otherwise physically quite well. Savings are rinsed quite quickly if they need care, whether In their own home or in a residential facility.

A lot of people would be in the same position if they had paid off their mortgage.

Your dad is in the latter part of his career. He is fortunate to still be working & healthy. It is what we all hope for - some care free affluent years, because job security plummets in your late 50s, and getting old is no fun.

Don't be too envious.

It’s not grabby. An inheritance would certainly my life easier but I actually don't care about it
on my own behalf. My children will be provided for to an extent but I haven’t been able to accrue what my dad has for many reasons. And he HAS hoarded it in that he refuses to spend money he easily has available on making his own life better. All
he’s talked about for at least 20 years is leaving as much money as possible when he dies, which is something I and my siblings have consistently told him is unnecessary and he should be using his money whilst he’s alive. If you can’t understand the nuances then carry on thinking I’m entitled and grabby but I’m really not.

I do 100% believe that social care should be funded by taxation though and not financed by the individual. It’s no different to healthcare and is largely a matter of luck whether a person lives long enough to require it.

When my parents moved house recently they kept on their old house whilst decorating their new one. I was astounded they could afford to do this as they've played poor all their lives.

It drives me mad, they penny pinch, go in cheap holidays, only eat out at Greggs etc. They have the heating on lower than they need, have a cheap car... you get the picture. They looked after ds recently overnight and let him buy his own takeaway for tea (he's 13)

They often say "you'll get it all when we're gone" even though I've explained it'll all get used on care and that they should be living it up on amazing holidays while they can. Sad really.

Well I can't understand why anyone would want to be in a care home.

I would rather be dead than waste over £1,000 a week on a care home.

I want my children to have my money not a care home.

It’s really depressing how so many posters on MN seem to assume their parents owe them something right into adulthood and beyond. They raised you but that job is done now and they are not responsible for you and your family and your various financial challenges which no doubt they also went through when they had a young family. Also much horror at the taxman getting some of their wealth
if they don’t hand it over to you now, yet surely IHT is the most equitable redistribution of their wealth and is for the greater good. And as for care costs, you’re damned if you do (save) and damned if you don’t according to this thread. But “saving” for later life and prohibitive care costs is rebranded as “hoarding”. Seriously, grown up, stop resenting people just because they happened to raise you and then manage their money well later on, and take responsibility for your own financial security.