To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

He sounds like a right prick. You sure you want a baby with a prick?

I'd pack a bag and go to my family. I'd return when his family have fucked off. Infact, I wouldn't return at all.

Call his cousin. Tell her what’s happened. If she’s a nice person she’ll understand and you can make a plan together. If she isn’t a nice person, then say to your DP that you can’t and won’t do it and your’re going to your parents. And stick to your guns.

100%

Go to your family
His response to that will be very telling. Is he supportive and understanding? Or will he be a total arsehole about it?

He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional

I'd also be very very seriously questioning if you want a child with a man.
At 5 weeks you are barely pregnant...

What would he say if you tell him he invited them so he cooks for them? Or are you too scared of him to say that?

He is being completely out of order. I would be willing to have them for Boxing Day and make an attempt to cook their food, and would even practice it in advance (get his mum to send you some simple recipes?). But this would have to be in an atmosphere of feeling included and taken care of, not excluded and taken advantage of. If he won't budge from his plans, then I agree you should go solo to your family for Christmas and leave him to it. And have a very serious chat about things in the the New Year. Would your folks be supportive if you did that?

Absolutely go to your mother's for Christmas. Tell him calmly he's on his own over this stupid idea.

Tell him you will host them but they have to bring the food. You don't know how to make traditional food from a country that is not your own . Or he can do it . You neither have the time nor inclination .

Nailed it

I must admit, my heart sank when I read you were pregnant.

It's out of order for anyone to invite others for Christmas without first discussing it with the rest of the household. For that, your boyfriend is a prick.

As for him expecting you not only to host in this scenario, but to cook food that you've never cooked before, and don't know much, if anything about, as it's literally foreign to you, well, that just shows you what an utter selfish, sexist, horrible man this is.

He's moody, sulky, treating you like a live in maid. Nah, I know you're pregnant, but I'd be off to my parents for Christmas and re-evaluating this relationship.

You'll be better raising this baby alone, rather than raise it with this selfish, misogynist of a man.

And he sounds yet worse again. Quite a feat considering he sounded like a total asshole in your OP.
Line in the sand time. No, you won't be cooking specific meals from his country on Christmas day. You will eat them if he cooks them. No, he won't be inviting people to your home for Christmas again, deliberately using a language you don't speak, without full discussion with you first. Decide if you're happy for them to come if he does all the work, but make it clear that you don't expect to be pushed out by language in your own home. So, maybe yes they are welcome now he's invited them but no you won't be prepping the guest rooms, obviously he will be doing that for his guests.
Make it crystal clear what you will accept here and what you won't. If you're on Threads look out for the 'Sherlocked' posts, full of women finally pushing back after years of 'so I'll just have to do X' from shit husbands expectations. Join them.

WTF is he not cooking???

Your stance needs to be, "you invited them, you shop, cook and do the laundry/cleaning for the visit."

He sounds like a walking red flag @KatieBenoiteee

Nothing wrong with inviting them or having his traditional dishes but he needs to be doing the cooking! If he won’t step up and cook one meal I would be urgently reconsidering if he’s suitable to be the father of your child

He sounds like a misogynist. Tell him to cook his own food.

No no, no no no no, no no no no, no no there’s no Christmas ~ unless he shops, cooks and cleans it all himself. Don’t be a slave to anyone’s expectations x

Stop acting like you have to do the cooking. You do not. I repeat ..you do not need to do this.
He may well felt he wanted to have his family around for Xmas and some traditional food. That's understandable. But it's not your job to do all the work for this Christmas he's concocted.

Tell him now. Or write the script for the rest of your time together

Fuck me. I like cooking, and never minded hosting my DH's family at Christmas. But it was my menu. The thought of catering for people from an altogether different culinary culture, with no previous experience or current guidance gives me the shivers. I agree with the pp who says that he's setting you up to fail here. You were nervous enough about doing a special meal just for the two of you.

You don't want to do this; he wants it to happen. Therefore he needs to step up and get the recipe books out, or he's going to look like a right idiot.

Simply, if someone comes to my home and I offer to cater, I'm cooking the food I choose to cook, which will almost certainly be of my own culture because that is what I am best at. Anyone demanding that I cook food from a culture that I am unfamiliar with will be told that it is not a fucking restaurant and if they want something special they are welcome to cook it themselves. I suggest you say the same.

I feel for you.... this is just the beginning

He invited his friends without agreeing it with you first.
So he cooks and hosts. Plus all the prep, shopping, cleaning etc.
Ditto in the he expects his Christmas dishes - that's lovely, he can cook them. Or whatever else he wants, it's his turn this year.

Afraid this is another one of those threads where you need to stand up for yourself and state boundaries, and then stick to them.

I wouldn't be going to my parents, but neither would I be bullied into catering for people I didn't invite/agree to, and I also wouldn't be making dishes I didn't wish to for anyone.

I would tell him in person, and I would follow it up with a text/email so that it's in writing and there's no possibility of him trying to distort reality later and claim you never said something you clearly did.

And TBH, on the very brief snapshot you've provided, I would be strongly reconsidering whether I wanted to continue a pregnancy with such a man as co-parent.

OP, you've really not explained why you will be doing the cooking. He arranged it, they are his friends, the food will be from his culture. Do you do everything he demands? Stand up for yourself and tell him to cook the Christmas dinner himself. All this shit about him being 'traditional' is just code for misogynistic and controlling.

If you are crazy enough to put up with this and not say he needs to cook then make sure you do a shit job cooking the meals he has decided you will cook. At least if you are going to stay with this misogynistic asshole he won’t ask you to do it again!

I don't understand why you think he's got you over a barrel, unless he cooked and hosted a British Christmas for your parents? He's enjoyed hospitality from your culture for a few years, now, fair enough, you have a Christmas celebrating with his cultural traditions, which he or his cousin hosts. Otherwise it's not remotely fair.

What country then?

OP you sound like a door mat and he sounds horrible. I suggest you change the dynamic between you now before you end up with a very miserable life.

It would have been fair if HE cooked British Xmas food for your family, but I bet you cooked it? Tell him either he cooks himself, orders it from somewhere - or it will be fish and chips/ pizza for the whole holiday.

But really, who the fuck are you with... You know you can get a home grown misogynist - there is no need to import one? (joke)