To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

Agreed.

There are a few issues here -

1. Christmas hosting is not something that's unilaterally decided ESPECIALLY if you're not the one doing the lions share of the work.
2. Why shouldn't he help. It sounds like neither of you enjoy cooking so why would he expect this of you. Why is he incapable of clearing up after or making up the sleeping areas?
3. Why is he tolerating someone who's insulting and belittling his partner

You need to have a sit down conversation about expectations of each other and be really direct. And either he changes his approach to women (because let's be honest the misogyny is showing here) or you need to really think about what it is you want from life.

He doesn't care for you.
He cares about being the big man with the local skivvy.
Dogs life ahead of you.
Rethink that pregnancy while you have time.

tell him that every time they shunt you out of a conversation you are going to stand up and scream / play Slade at full volume. And mean it.

But you need to nip this in the bud. Fair enough to do turn and turn about with families at Christmas, but if he wants all his cultural stuff, he has to do it. It's not your culture.

Exactly what I was going to write! He and they sound awful!!

It's all about him, is t it? -- and he sounds worse with every post.

He doesn't have you over a barrel unless he's been cooking a traditional Christmas roast for you and your family for the last few years. Which he hasn't.

You can say no to this. You'll be miserable, resentful, stressed, excluded from conversation and won't enjoy your Christmas if you say yes. Does he care about that? It doesn't sound like it.

He really doesn't sound great . He wants traditional.cookjng, He does it

🚩🚩🚩so many red flags.

So you held a gun to his head and made him go to your parents and eat their food, right?

I'd call his bluff and say they can come, but you won't be cooking their traditional food. If he wants that, he cooks it or sources it himself. Do you usually do all the cooking?

Have you talked about the pregnancy? Is it what you both want?

There is no issue with having his traditional Christmas food - but he will need to do the shopping and cooking.

It was arranged when we all went out together the other week. As we were parting they all switched to own language and I zoned out for a bit and checked my phone. In car on the way home he said “By the way, I’ve invited them for Christmas”

He wants his familiar Christmas food, fine, he can cook his familiar Christmas food. He can also clear up after himself, no expecting you to be kitchen maid.

Of course he doesn't have you over a barrel! Just say no you're not cooking all that .

Tell him he’s cooking or you’re going to your family. I’d be really pissed off at them excluding you from the conversation when they presumably speak English. (And I say that as a multilinguist) Imagine your future, OP. He hates cooking and thinks you should do it all even tho you’ve been unable to find recipes? And he thinks you should stick to traditional roles ie he sits back while you act like it’s the 1950s? You sure about this one?

It sounds like none of them (boyfriend included) think much of you at all. So I’d pack up and go to your family, or book yourself a lovely LONE holiday break away and let him deal with them - if you’re even together by Christmas, which tbh, doesn’t sound the end of the world if you weren’t!

You can't cook their traditional food at Christmas for people you barely know. They will have high expectations. You will be run ragged and they will be talking in their language. Either he cooks it or the cousins help out. Or you go to your parents. Or you leave the sulky, entitled tosser.

What’s your reaction to the many helpful replies you’re getting OP?

Any thoughts?

How exactly has he “got you over a barrel”? Every Christmas, including all those you’ve previously spent at your parents, have involved him being waited on hand and foot If he wants to eat the food from his own country/culture, then he can bloody cook it! I fear there may be many threads in the future of you regretting the decision to have a baby with this man.

My jaw dropped reading this- why the hell are you even contemplating going along with this demand? Fuck that!

He invited them, he can cook.

Seriously, put in place some firm boundaries in your relationship now. You’re about to have a baby with a man who orders you about and sees you as some skivvy. Why are you doing that?

He's not the one OP.

Give yourself an early Christmas present and choose a better life for yourself.

Why can’t he cook?

So it's ok as long as he's happy? It isn't actually.

Tell him that you're sorry (or maybe not) but his culture isn't yours and if he wants his culture he needs to step up otherwise it's not happening. This emotional blackmail/sulking is ridiculous.

Please, do not cook this dinner and do making up sleeping spaces. Either your DP cooks his idea of a traditional Christmas meal on you push ahead with your M&S dinner.

Though I'd be reconsidering your relationship with his man, he will never play his part in cooking or housework and if/when you have children, childcare will all be down to you. He's also isolating you from his family and I bet the reason you aren't going home this Christmas is not to save money but to humour partner.

End the relationship and go to your family for Christmas.

What sort of person invites guests for Christmas, tells their partner that they must cook recipes that are traditional to their country and states in advance that they won't help you because they don't like cooking.

“In car on the way home he said “By the way, I’ve invited them for Christmas”

And you said, “Well that’s lovely, darling, but I won’t be there, and I’m most particularly not doing the cooking.” Does he not appreciate how unkind and rude it is, spending time talking in his language with other people when you can’t understand? You’re going to have to say something, OP - like, “Not happening”.

This with Christmas bells on