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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

660 replies

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

OP posts:
BMW6 · 02/11/2025 20:52

Tell him you're going away for Xmas. He invited them, he can cook and host.

He's treating you like a maid. Tell him to get to Fuck from all of us.

Stand up for yourself or your life will.be a misery with this prick.

Branster · 02/11/2025 20:52

I am trying to think of a Christian culture with a variety of local traditional Christmas dishes where part of the tradition is the woman does ALL the preparations and cooking with zero help from her husband or family.
Nothing comes to mind. Unless it was 150 years ago maybe?
WTF OP, this is totally unacceptable. He is also doing his vest to make you feel guilty.
You either tell him he does the cooking. Or you do the cooking you originally planned the m&s job. Tell him you can't cook s Christmas dinner and you don't want to learn how to do it now. You were looking forward to having a nice cozy day at home just the two of you before the baby comes and he has ruined your plans and dream and made you upset.
I honestly think he's showing his true colours here and this is only the beginning. They do say a lot of men behave differently, not in a good way, from the first pregnancy. I think this is what is happening here. As far as he's concerned you have now become the breeding mare who will take care of all his demands without any prior consultation.
You deserve more that this.

Anxietybummer · 02/11/2025 20:52

Oh OP. Honestly, do yourself a favour and just tell him to fuck off.

And 5 weeks pregnant… so at Christmas you’ll be 12 weeks! I couldn’t be in the kitchen at that stage without being violently ill. The smell of cooking would trigger sever vomiting. Morning sickness can be very debilitating for some women and you’ll be peak.

Good luck… With him, with Christmas, with the baby. Just set boundaries now or you’ll regret it.

Tiswa · 02/11/2025 20:53

So many red flags here sorry OP I think you have some hard serious thinking to do

Barney16 · 02/11/2025 20:53

Quite a lot of people have pointed out the inherent unfairness in the situation he has created. Gently, I think you should take on board what they have said.

AutumnClouds · 02/11/2025 20:53

I would be thinking about what life will be like for your baby if she’s a girl, or what values he’ll internalise if it’s a boy, if you go ahead with both pregnancy and relationship and let this man treat you in this way.

Sockdays · 02/11/2025 20:53

From the abusive mans textbook.
The minute she pshes back he makes a fuss, dismisses her, calls her unreasonable, tells her she has spoiled the evening.

Imagine just how awful he will be, how stuck you will feel with a baby in your arms, his friends taking about you in a language you don't understand, as you skivvy for them.

Bloody hell, what a life to volunteer for.
Don't buy a house with a man who thinks you are nothing more than a skivvy.

ThrushorSparrow · 02/11/2025 20:54

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:21

I’ve ruined our night apparently as he was talking to me reminiscing about childhood Christmases and was going on about dishes he can’t wait for me to cook and I said I felt overwhelmed and wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it. I’ve “ruined his mood and ruined our night”

What an utter arsehole. Does he think he's your boss or something, declaring what work you're going to do for him?

localnotail · 02/11/2025 20:54

Branster · 02/11/2025 20:52

I am trying to think of a Christian culture with a variety of local traditional Christmas dishes where part of the tradition is the woman does ALL the preparations and cooking with zero help from her husband or family.
Nothing comes to mind. Unless it was 150 years ago maybe?
WTF OP, this is totally unacceptable. He is also doing his vest to make you feel guilty.
You either tell him he does the cooking. Or you do the cooking you originally planned the m&s job. Tell him you can't cook s Christmas dinner and you don't want to learn how to do it now. You were looking forward to having a nice cozy day at home just the two of you before the baby comes and he has ruined your plans and dream and made you upset.
I honestly think he's showing his true colours here and this is only the beginning. They do say a lot of men behave differently, not in a good way, from the first pregnancy. I think this is what is happening here. As far as he's concerned you have now become the breeding mare who will take care of all his demands without any prior consultation.
You deserve more that this.

Portugal or Italy...

NerrSnerr · 02/11/2025 20:54

Oh god you’re also pregnant with his baby. You need to nip this in the bud one way or another. Either put your foot down and tell him he’ll be cooking. If you think he won’t accept that you need to look at your future with him- will he be expecting you to cook everything for him when you’re 8.5 months pregnant or when you have a newborn.

He sounds awful.

No5ChalksRoad · 02/11/2025 20:55

Buggeroffalo · 02/11/2025 20:17

I think you go to your family and leave him to it. If he wants to be the benevolent host then he can do the graft that goes with it. See who's miserable then. Honestly what a prick.

This. Read it again, OP.

godmum56 · 02/11/2025 20:55

My usual question. What does he bring to the relationship?

ZenNudist · 02/11/2025 20:55

He sounds awful

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 02/11/2025 20:55

I’d volunteer for the Christmas shift at work if I were you …

Kazzaa46 · 02/11/2025 20:55

He’s being very selfish, expecting you to slave away and get stressed while he enjoys himself. Sadly this is a strong sign of how things will be if you stay with him.
Tell him he needs to cook or you need to do it jointly. I would be firm on this because once you give in you’re going to keep having to deal with these demands and your life will be miserable.

JayJayj · 02/11/2025 20:56

You don’t have to do anything.

It should be something you both agree to not one making the decision.

Also, you don’t have to make anything. He invited them he get do the cooking and set up beds for them to sleep. You can chill and have a relaxing Christmas.

OldBeyondMyYears · 02/11/2025 20:56

You’re creating a problem where there isn’t one OP. Your DP is obviously a huge twat, but you’re a grown ass woman. Tell him to fuck off and cook his own ‘culturally appropriate’ Christmas dinner! Honestly, stop being a martyr…use your words!

LocalHobo · 02/11/2025 20:56

Wake up.
Just noticed you're pregnant.
Oh dear OP.
Rethink this

So pleased you have time to rethink and not become a Mum without a supportive partner. Find someone who realises how lucky he is to be with you, know your worth.

No5ChalksRoad · 02/11/2025 20:57

I don’t mean to be crass but I would SERIOUSLY reconsider the pregnancy. You will be letting yourself in for a life of misery.

nightswimming1 · 02/11/2025 20:58

I agree with may others. I’d say you’re off to your parents’ after all. I do agree I don’t think this relationship is worth pursuing as there are too many red flags for this early in a relationship!
if you are determined to stick it out, he has to engage with the local community who speak his language and find someone who will cook the spread and you can pick it up and reheat on as eve. That’s what I do when I host my in-laws. But tbh im not convinced he’s worth the effort!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 02/11/2025 20:59

Apart from this Christmas Shit Show ...

You;ve been together three years
Do you speak any of his native language ? You possibly wouldn;t be fluent enough to keep up with him when he's chatting to his cousin . But have you met his wider family ? (As he has met yours )

Don;t you ever say to him "What;s the food you traditionally have at XYZ event "
Even if you never want to make it , it is nice to know what is eaten.

(My DParents were Glaswegians, a Steak Pie featured in the Christmas Fayre . I cooked one . I;m vegetarian so I had to ask "what cut" at the butchers )

Not being goady but surely being married to someone from a different culture you'd be interested .

But yes , he's rail roaded you into a load of extra work that you probably could do without ,

RunningJo · 02/11/2025 20:59

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

And at any point I assume he could have had his traditional Christmas if he’d have wanted to, but didn’t. He enjoyed Christmas with your family. He’s not unreasonable to want to host his family and have his traditional celebrations, but 100% unreasonable to lay it all on you.

I would be making it very clear that it’s on him to cater for his family, that you’ll be around in the morning for pre dinner drinks and to wish them a Merry Christmas, but you’ll be off then to see your parents for lunch.

Noshowlomo · 02/11/2025 20:59

He’s not a nice man

ownturmericgrower · 02/11/2025 20:59

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

OP, you really don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

You’ve only been “ roped in” if you allow it to happen. You're not over a barrel !

Learn the value of the word” NO”. It really makes life so much easier and less complicated.

It doesn’t matter that you've had British Christmas at your family the past few years. He didn’t have to cook then either. Nor did you !
He has volunteered you to cook a lavish foreign Xmas meal for his family. Without asking you. And he has no intention of helping. So treating you like a skivvy on Xmas day !

Just say you WON’T be doing that ( because you don’t want to. No other validation needed!) If he kicks off, go stay with your family and leave him to it.
And while you’re with your family reflect on whether you want to stay with a man who doesn’t respect you and calls you “ miserable” when you don’t toe the line !

StewkeyBlue · 02/11/2025 21:00

He has not ‘got you over a barrel’ because the last Christmases have been traditionally British.

Not unless he did all the cooking of the dinner, for your relatives!

He isn’t suggesting like for like.

Tell him it will ruin his relatives Christmas if they are stuck with your inexperienced version of their cooking.

He is being ridiculous.

And a knob.