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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

660 replies

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:13

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

OP posts:
PolyVagalNerve · 02/11/2025 20:34

pizzaHeart · 02/11/2025 20:31

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have one Christmas with his relatives but inviting them without consulting you and also demanding you to cook something you have no idea about … It’s not on, plus his further comments were very unpleasant.

Are you married? Don’t look for the recipes in English, instead top up your contraception and carefully plan your exit.

OP is five weeks pregnant to this nasty pig of a man !

Butterflywings84 · 02/11/2025 20:34

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:25

It was arranged when we all went out together the other week. As we were parting they all switched to own language and I zoned out for a bit and checked my phone. In car on the way home he said “By the way, I’ve invited them for Christmas”

Missed this - the fact he unilaterally did that without speaking to you is so wrong. Does he have form for making decisions for you? Did he just get carried away with finally seeing them? Don’t let him guilt you into thinking you have ruined things for him- he set this up himself

itsgettingweird · 02/11/2025 20:35

I agree with the idea that he’s done “your Christmas” it’s only fair for you do “his”

However he should be cooking. Or at least it should be a shared venture.

Tell him it’s great he wants his family over and that you can’t wait to try whatever traditional food he cooks.

Failing that - I’d get rid of the mysoginistic hit tbh!

menopausalmare · 02/11/2025 20:35

I'm angry on your behalf! Go to your family and he can host his cousins at your house. Sounds like they'll converse in his own language and you won't even be part of conversations, once you've finished cooking and washing up.

BellissimoGecko · 02/11/2025 20:35

mayGodhelpusall · 02/11/2025 20:33

Hmmm sounds like a bit of a culture clash. I don't know where he's from but perhaps in his country the women embrace the cooking and it is very much expected.Going against the grain a bit here but I think you're going to have to suck it up being as it's a one off (providing your pregnancy is going smoothly of course). Don't stress! Just do your best - you may enjoy learning new dishes.

Don’t be so bloody wet. Why should she??

WiltedLettuce · 02/11/2025 20:36

I still don't understand why you think you need to do this.

If my husband suddenly told me that he expected me to fix our roof tiles or perform open heart surgery, he'd be told where to go.

Why don't you just say "No"?

ahoyshipmate · 02/11/2025 20:36

Just reread you thread to double check your position. Please don’t rush in with him to buy a house. These are major warning signs and him behaving like this BEFORE you’re married or financially tied to him is worrying. What do your parents or friends think of him?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 02/11/2025 20:37

What country is it?
I would assign everyone a dish to prepare/ make. Including your dh. If everyone pitches in it could be fun.
But you doing everything? Nooooo!

Anditstartedagain · 02/11/2025 20:37

Sockdays · 02/11/2025 20:20

He is showing you who he is.
Selfish.
Head off home to your family and leave him to cook.
This is not normal behaviour.
This is your future.
Being made a complete fool of.
Wake up.
Just noticed your pregnant.
Oh dear OP.
Rethink this.
Go home to your parents.
You have a dogs life ahead of you.
Good men don't do this.
Self arseholes whose mask is slipping do this.

Edited

I agree. Things are just going to get worse when the baby comes along.

JipJup · 02/11/2025 20:37

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:32

I said that they can come but I will only cook food I am comfortable cooking, and he said “Oh so you mean British food then”. This pissed me off as he was making me out to be small-minded. I make meals from all sorts of different cuisines all the time but a Christmas spread of a Central European country is a different story. I’ll be expected to prepare different meats, a stew, make their desserts etc

Is this some sort of Sunday night rage bait?

If he wants to invite them then he can cook for them.

Anything else is irrelevant here unless you're happy to let him treat you like dirt.

Glowingup · 02/11/2025 20:38

You sound very young. Leave this cunt. He’s showing you what a misogynistic arsehole he is and I can guarantee you can do better and within months you will be like wtf was I thinking.

cestlavielife · 02/11/2025 20:38

If he wants his childhood dishes he needs to cook them
Just say fab idea darling i ll leave you to it

Or maybe you do half and half what you know what he knows

When did you agree to be the sole cook?

EsmeArcher · 02/11/2025 20:39

I’m sorry but I can’t be bothered to read all of the background! He cooks what he wants. You cook what you feel able to do.
If that’s not acceptable, then he’s a twat.

Dammila · 02/11/2025 20:39

I'm married to an Italian and would never ever attempt to single handedly make an Italian Christmas meal for extended family, not even after 20 years together and. 12 years in Italy. Not my idea of fun! If he wants that he can go to his mum's house. Stick to your m&s plan and tell him that's what he's getting and if he has another menu idea, he can cook.

BobbieTables · 02/11/2025 20:40

I don't understand why you are accepting the premise that it is you who has to cook when it's him who has invited people over.
Why are you doing this? Are you happy to submit to out dated gender roles? Will you be happy with this approach going forward? Do you know what his expectations are for when you have the baby?
You need to really think hard about what you want from life and have some serious conversations with him. I think Christmas is the least of your worries.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 02/11/2025 20:41

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:33

I was already nervous enough to cook a Christmas dinner for the 2 of us but there wasn’t much pressure to that. If I’d have buggered it up oh well, we’d laugh about it and order a pizza. But now it’s going to be so much pressure

BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO COOK.

He could cook. He just doesn’t want to.

You don’t want to cook either, and that is absolutely fine.

Take a leaf out of his book and either dump the job on to someone else, or stick with your original plan of buying some stuff in.

ElizabethVonArnim · 02/11/2025 20:41

If you’re all in with this man and want the life that is unfolding before you, and don’t plan to chuck him over this, then invite your own family too. You shouldn’t be on the outside at Christmas, and your mum or dad can help you with the cooking, so you can have convivial times in the kitchen. As neither of you will have cooked their traditional dishes, the normal boss/sous chef hierarchy won’t be in place in the cooking and you can just have fun with it and muddle through together.

You’re not wrong to be upset with him over this, but on the other hand, you’re a few years down the line and having a baby together. Only you can know whether this is a big enough deal to follow the LTB advice, and if it’s not, then make the day your own and find ways to have fun with it.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 02/11/2025 20:41

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

His traditions, his Christmas, his cooking, surely? It's not as if he had to cook for your parents! Lay a marker down now, OP, it will only get harder if you let this precedent be set now.

Mapletree1985 · 02/11/2025 20:41

What makes him think that you, a person with zero experience of cooking food from his culture, will be able to successfully re-create the Christmas dinners of his childhood?

He is deliberately setting you up for failure. Worst case scenario: you'll slave away for three or four days to make all these dishes, and when everyone sits down to eat they'll complain the food doesn't taste right.

DressOrSkirt · 02/11/2025 20:42

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

You are not "over a barrel" unless he cooked you all that British Christmas food (which I know he didn't).

Just don't do it.

5foot5 · 02/11/2025 20:42

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:33

I was already nervous enough to cook a Christmas dinner for the 2 of us but there wasn’t much pressure to that. If I’d have buggered it up oh well, we’d laugh about it and order a pizza. But now it’s going to be so much pressure

Why are you talking as though it is a done deal? Have you not read the responses on here?

If he wants his traditional food for Christmas he cooks it. He prepares for and cleans up after guests and ensured you are not excluded

Or better still, you have a serious think about this man and whether you really want the sort of life you will probably have if you stay with him.

AutumnClouds · 02/11/2025 20:42

Why is it just a given that you will ‘have to’ cook for them? He sounds like a bully, I’d be planning your exit.

Yessiricanboogieallnightlong · 02/11/2025 20:42

KatieBenoiteee · 02/11/2025 20:19

It just doesn’t seem fair that I’ve been roped into this but he’s got me over a barrel because he’s had a British Christmas with my parents the last few years and thinks it’s time we had a traditional Christmas for him which is fair enough. But then I’m having to do the cooking, I don’t know where to start.

I will feel like a hired caterer (a very crap, incompetent one)

Edited

Fair enough it’s his turn but he organises not you. Otherwise you get takeaways. Is he a Christian in his culture? Is there a tradition of celebrating it. If so you could ask cousin to bring traditional stuff as you don’t know what it entails

Eenameenadeeka · 02/11/2025 20:42

You're not unreasonable. If he wants to host guests, he needs to cook. Especially since it's food you don't know how to make. It's fine to want to have his traditions (he should actually ask before inviting guest though!) but if he wants it that way, he can't just expect you to be the one to make it happen.

BellissimoGecko · 02/11/2025 20:43

ElizabethVonArnim · 02/11/2025 20:41

If you’re all in with this man and want the life that is unfolding before you, and don’t plan to chuck him over this, then invite your own family too. You shouldn’t be on the outside at Christmas, and your mum or dad can help you with the cooking, so you can have convivial times in the kitchen. As neither of you will have cooked their traditional dishes, the normal boss/sous chef hierarchy won’t be in place in the cooking and you can just have fun with it and muddle through together.

You’re not wrong to be upset with him over this, but on the other hand, you’re a few years down the line and having a baby together. Only you can know whether this is a big enough deal to follow the LTB advice, and if it’s not, then make the day your own and find ways to have fun with it.

Why the FUCK should her parents have to cook unfamiliar dishes for this tosser, when they have already hosted him for a few Christmases?????? Are you insane?