To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

Good grief, what a knob. Even I would say no to this and I love experimental cooking.

Well that was a painful read...the answer is no no no and no. Please don't start your family life together like this. He is already happy to throw all of the heavy lifting and responsibility on you, from what you have said without any discussion on it?
Very entitled and disrespectful to give you a huge task like it's just your duty.
Tell him Christmas will be at their home for their traditional cooking or you will leave him to it and go to your parents.
Start your family decisions and priorities the way you mean to continue them x

Congratulations on the pregnancy

He's sabotaged your Christmas already..

Perhaps you could contract the work out and have the big meal cooked and delivered for you.

I understand how you feel, I bailed out when I realised I'd have to cook a Sunday lunch each week for someone who was never home from the pub in time to eat it.

He 'compromised,' by eating a Christmas dinner (,cooked FOR him) from a different culture.
Likewise she will 'compromise' by eating a Christmas dinner (,cooked FOR her) from a different culture.

It's not her job to cook him and his friends and family Christmas dinner without even asking her.
That's the issue. It's the WORK that's just been dumped on her without even the courtesy of asking her or talking to her.

It is very unusual OP to cook cuisine for Christmas from another persons country. I am really sure that they will find fault with it all as it won't quite be what they are used to! When foreigners come to the UK for Christmas they should expect to eat traditional food from the country they are visiting. Or of course whatever you feel comfortable cooking. It all seems rather odd that your partner is asking you to cook their traditional food.

I hate to say it , but I don't like the sound of your relationship- who invites their whole family over and expects their partner to cook traditional dishes, having not asked them if they are up for doing it? There is no way you could live up to his childhood memories of those dishes even if you were a celebrity chef.
You need to be honest with him and say you are not confident to host them- you can go to theirs or have Christmas at home as a couple.
You are pregnant- you need to start as you mean to go on.

He’s invited them so he can cook 🤷‍♀️ Don’t be such a doormat OP.

Quite often in other cultures all the women in the family help to prepare the dishes. Never just one woman.

I agree. Get out now. It’ll only get worse. You do it once and you’ll be expected to do it forever.

OP is, she is going to cook curry and DH is cooking a traditional dish.

Could they stay with you but eat out at a restaurant on Xmas day at their choice of restaurant serving traditional foods from their culture ?

She posted this four hours after I made my comment!

I hope that my post encouraged her to cook something she liked, rather than something that she felt under pressure to cook!

@KatieBenoiteee

Well done on having your boundary!!

Sounds like you have reached a suitable agreement. Other options would have been to order it in, go to a restaurant, etc.. agree he was a CF though, don’t bother trying to make a stew, but now it suits him, make a massive banquet for 5!! No joint discussion on it if and how it might be possible, just expected you to do it, and turn gaslit you when you expressed your concerns.

He can’t help the culture he’s from, but I do have my concerns about your future with him, especially once children are on the scene.

Sounds like you’re going to need many more firm boundaries, and some hard conversations now about parenting approaches, division of labour when you’re with a baby, etc..

He cooked enough to snare you under false pretences, now he has a woman to do it for him.

Good luck!!

One query, not for a moment departing from my view that if he wants a special meal he should plan, shop, prepare, cook, serve, and clear up, did we actually learn that he is Polish? Because if he is, the special meal should be on Christmas Eve. Which would be compatible with OP doing a lovely curry on Christmas day, and leave lots of delicious leftovers for days to come.

No no no, don't do any of this.

And leave this loser, you'll be better off as a single parent.

He and his relatives have no respect for you whatsoever

Exactly right. He (you all) can have the traditional Christmas but he organises it, as you have done when you've had "your" Christmas.

I do hope you've discussed how household/family management will look once baby arrives.

OP, he is being ridiculous, but also, the way you refer to 'their foreign food' and a 'foreign Christmas' is also a bit ridiculous. You've been married to this man for years, surely his culture can't be that 'foreign' to you. What will you do if you have kids if you're still referring to their dad's background as 'foreign?'

In normal circumstances, you could both have a go at doing this mysterious foreign food together surely? That's what most couples would do. If it's Eastern European, what is it - carp fish, potatoes, cabbage? If he knows the specifics, let him go shopping, lead the way with the cooking and you'll help out. I'm not sure what else there is to say?

1 - if I go to stay with someone I want their culture and food, not a hash up of my own.
2 - its outrageous to suggest that this should all be on you. If he wants it, let him sort it out. "Trad" gender roles are fine... if it's what you both want. Doesn't sound like it here.
3 - he sounds like a d. You couldn't do better? I've seen too many women sink time into relationships like this that they then feel too invested in to fix, because fixing might mean ending... It seems like a little thing now, but what does it indicate about your future?

You could practice? It's still weeks away... Learning to do a Sunday Roast is a major life skill (one on my proudest). Xmas lunch is basically just that... Good for you standing up for yourself though.

Is it? We’re British but I leave the Sunday roasts to DH as he’s much keener on them than me.

He doesn't care that you will be excluded or that YOUR holiday will be stressful and exhausting. Tell this selfish cockwomble he can do the cooking or order in takeaway if he doesn't want to cook. Remind him that you are pregnant and it's important for both you and the baby that you get to rest and relax. If he throws a strop tell him you need to avoid stress do will be going to your parent's.

@KatieBenoiteee he invited them, he can do all the organising tge bedding and food, its not your job to do that.

He could practice. It's still weeks away for him, and he isn't in the early stages of pregnancy.

Can I ask what culture is it?

Oh my god!!!!! Most mental comment!!!! Look everyone someone actually said it out loud

Do you really want to have a baby with this man? Think about it