To not want to cook a full foreign Christmas spread for people I’ve only met once?

[KatieBenoiteee]

My partner is from another country. His only relative in this country is a cousin who lives with her partner and his brother. In the 3 years we’ve been together I only met her once as she always cancelled meet-ups last minute.

We did meet a few weeks ago, the partner and brother came with and we all went out. They were pleasant enough but spoke their own language a lot (which is understandable but at times I was excluded) and the cousin’s partner made a condescending comment about my job.

My partner has now invited them all to ours for Christmas dinner and I’m dreading it. We’re trying to save for a house and I had already declined to go to my family for Christmas to take away pressure of buying presents etc and I thought we’d have a cosy day. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner before so I was going to order some sort of M&S package which has all the necessary ingredients with trimmings etc and was going to bung that in the oven and maybe make a pudding. I had a nice image of us having a cosy day together and watching films etc.

Now he’s invited them he’s expecting me to put on a whole spread of their traditional Christmas dishes. I don’t have a bloody clue where to start and can’t find any English recipes. I’ll also have to make up sleeping areas for them etc etc. I’ve only got Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and it will be constant work. I’ve got visions of me slaving away in the kitchen whilst they are all eating (and probably criticising the inevitably crap food between themselves) and getting drunk. I will be completely lost cooking their food, it will be several different dishes he is expecting and I will be overwhelmed. Not to mention I’m 5 weeks pregnant so might be feeling tired etc by Christmas.

AIBU to tell them no and we either visit them or we have Christmas just us? He says I’m being miserable but he has absolutely no intention of helping with cooking as it hates it. In his country they are quite traditional and they will all show up to the house expecting me to have cooked and I’m feeling a lot of pressure. His argument is we’ve had a British Christmas every year at my parents which is fair enough and I’m completely supportive if he wants a Christmas eating his own culture etc, and I’d be delighted to join. But I can’t be expected to do the bloody cooking for it

If he is like this before you are married and before you have children can you imagine what your life will be like if you marry him and proceed to have a family with this selfish mysogonust.

End it now.

I can’t believe how awful this sounds!!

they are all taking the piss out of you - BIG time

you are right, he has you over a barrel - but not because you’ve been to your parents for Christmas previously - because they are treating you like a skivvy -

please wake up and see what’s happening here - red flag city

Never would this be acceptable. What country though as if European, we may be able to advise on ready made versions to help you out.

Oh sweetheart what’s happened to your ability to speak? What makes it so hard for you to say there seems to have been a misunderstanding about how things will be this Christmas? You’re a partnership right? A team. So the team needs to host Christmas. You and him together writing a long list of what needs to be done and then divvying it up. He doesn’t get to write the script of your life you know. Take the power, energy and outrage of your post and use it to create a shared Christmas where you work as a team.

I don’t see why you are the one who will have to cook just because he doesn’t like cooking. If you are going to host tell him you can’t wait to try all the dishes he grew up with when HE cooks them for you all. It’s not like you’ve done all the work other years as you went to your parents so you can’t be criticised for not wanting to do it now. You’re pregnant and need a break too - do not let him railroad you into doing all the work - that will only set the precedent for the rest of your marriage.

Fucking hell. He sounds utterly self absorbed and selfish. Really this is not ok. This is not the behaviour of someone who loves you, cares for you and has your wellbeing at heart. He doesn't consult you, has made plans for your labour, has taken away any time you have for yourself to relax over the holidays and all 'me me me'

Please set some boundaries for yourself and say no to this, or go to your family. Give him something to think about - he needs to know this behaviour is not acceptable..

You really don't have to do this, you know.

Unless he did all the cooking when you went to your parents I don’t see how you are over a barrel.

The bit that is totally unreasonable is that he invited people to your house at Christmas without checking with you at all. For me, no matter who was cooking, that's not on. I would therefore be telling him that he can either uninvite them or you're going to your parent's.... alone. They're not even close family. This is not ok.

He‘d have you over a barrel if HE had cooked a traditional British Christmas for your family for the last many years. This is not what‘s happened. He‘s benefitted from your family doing Christmas for him. Why are his relatives not inviting you to enjoy their Christmas with them? That would be equivalent. A man marrying a woman from another culture and expecting her to recreate his childhood Christmas favourites is insanely immature behaviour. You‘ve ruined his day because he just realised them implications of marrying a foreigner (to him).

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have one Christmas with his relatives but inviting them without consulting you and also demanding you to cook something you have no idea about … It’s not on, plus his further comments were very unpleasant.

Are you married? Don’t look for the recipes in English, instead top up your contraception and carefully plan your exit.

Oh girl this is gonna be your life. Never too late to walk away

I said that they can come but I will only cook food I am comfortable cooking, and he said “Oh so you mean British food then”. This pissed me off as he was making me out to be small-minded. I make meals from all sorts of different cuisines all the time but a Christmas spread of a Central European country is a different story. I’ll be expected to prepare different meats, a stew, make their desserts etc

Well now you're pregnant he's showing his true colours. He wants to be making 100% of the decisions & leaving you to do 100% of the actual work. It's interesting that you mention this being 'tradition'. You also call him your DP. Is he okay with being non traditional when it comes to marriage but he needs you to do the traditional wifely duties in the kitchen. This is completely unacceptable & you can just say no. But you really need to watch out for other signs of his treatment of you. He's so far being controlling, misogynistic, excluding you & emotionally blackmailing you.

Why are you cooking and making sleeping arrangements? He invited them so he can bloody well cook and stress about where people sleep. I’d be using this as a barometer of how he treats you and whether he’s actually a decent partner.

If you were refusing to entertain the idea of a Christmas with his traditional food he would have an argument. Or if he had done all the cooking for the traditional British Christmas for the last few years he might have a slight point. However, you're not and he didn't. You're simply, quite reasonablly, refusing to cook dishes you're not familiar with.

He accepted your parents' hospitality each year, ate what they provided and was, hopefully, polite and thankful. His cousin, partner and partner's brother should do the same if they come to your house. You and he then decide who is cooking and the cook gets to decide the menu.

My brother lives abroad. He wants an traditional Irish Christmas dinner. His wife doesn't care. He cooks.

And it's RUDE AS FUCK for them to all speak a different language when you're there.

He can expect the moon if he wants, that doesn't mean he'll get it.

Just tell him that as host, of course he'll be cooking.

He sounds like a complete twat.

Hmmm sounds like a bit of a culture clash. I don't know where he's from but perhaps in his country the women embrace the cooking and it is very much expected.Going against the grain a bit here but I think you're going to have to suck it up being as it's a one off (providing your pregnancy is going smoothly of course). Don't stress! Just do your best - you may enjoy learning new dishes.

I was already nervous enough to cook a Christmas dinner for the 2 of us but there wasn’t much pressure to that. If I’d have buggered it up oh well, we’d laugh about it and order a pizza. But now it’s going to be so much pressure

Leave. Leave leave leave leave leave leave leave. LEAVE.

😲
So basically he's invited his mates for Christmas and he's expecting you to do the work. Well, he needs putting straight doesn't he. My options to him would be, 1. He issued the invites so he does the work, if he doesn't like that, 2. You and he have your own Christmas and you split the work between you, or 3. He caters to his mates alone and you go have a nice time with your folks.

Well you can't say you weren't clearly warned about the dogs life you have signed up for OP.
You have a clear view of your future.
Very hard to believe that he hasn't shown you this side before.
Arseholes often hold a lot in until their victims are pregnant and they think they have them now, stuck.

You aren't stuck.
You can get away from him.
If you were my daughter I would want you out of there.

You must be very very vulnerable with low self esteem to be accepting this.
God love you.

It doesn't have to be if you say no.

So he has benefited from your parents’ hospitality for the last few years? What has he contributed??

And now he wants you to cook his culture’s food?? He’s a lazy, selfish, stupid, misogynistic bastard.

Tell him to sling his hook.

what’s the rest of your relationship like? If he doesn’t cook, what does he do? Cleaning? Or does he earn millions and look after you financially?? I bet he doesn’t.

life’s too short, op, and you deserve more.