To be hurt and angry that DD told her prof her mum is a TERF and he sympathised

[Dahliadaily]

My DD is at a Russell group uni studying a masters following a 1st in humanities. I’m really proud of her obviously.
We were always really close. She cried for me throughout freshers’ week, relied on my tough love.

We differ respectfully on the trans issue. I am a feminist and a biology grad and believe in the reality of sex and the importance of single sex spaces, the rule of law.

We negotiate this ok and do keep talking. I’m sure that more unites us than separates us. We agree on prostitution for example. But not on the medicalisation of gender.

She is a lesbian. Has lots of gay non binary and trans friends. Her flatmate is a trans man. I’d never make a personal remark about any of them.

My other DD told me that uni DD has got close to a prof (male and gay - nothing sleazy) and told him I was a TERF. He responded “that must be really difficult for you”.

She’s an intelligent young woman, capable of forming her own views. But I can’t help being hurt by her comment and angry with the prof for siding with this idea that I’m difficult or even evil / unkind. It feels a bit like grooming.

What is a TERF?

But you are a TERF

and it must be difficult for her (although you both seem to deal with it maturely)

Your other DD is a stirrer

The "grooming" comment is ridiculous

I can understand why you feel hurt. But a single comment of support to your daughter is not even remotely like grooming.

I'm assuming your difference in views is difficult for her?

One supportive comment is not akin to grooming.

Have you ever considered that it must be difficult for her?

What a shame she is not more caring about her own mother, and willing to gossip about you to some random dude for bro cookies.

Honestly hate all these acronyms. Half of us don’t even know what they all mean or understand what you’re even talking about. Just write in English for godsake

It probably is difficult for her given her views, friendship group and flatmate though?

Why is acknowledging that grooming?

What did your other dd tell you for?

I'm fascinated by the bubble someone lives in to have never encountered this term

Perfectly readable, what's the issue

A professor who she is close to is not "some random dude".
The fact her mother doesn't believe in something fundamental about eg her flatmate is a complex situation it makes sense to talk to someone about.
The only gossip is the other DD for stirring the pot, without which OP would not have got hurt.

OP no-one said you were "difficult" much less "evil". Your daughter confided in someone about a difficult situation. She's an adult and is allowed to do that, much as you're confiding on MN now about how you feel about it, which is also fine.

What an cakewalk life must be if your mum believing in biological sex is a "difficulty"

I am speechless

Of course. And it’s difficult for me. And we try to negotiate it maturely. I do not label her.

1. Uni daughter is entitled to her opinion of you.
2. The professor is entitled to sympathise.
3. Other daughter needs to stop shit-stirring.

You wouldn't even have known about the conversation if your other daughter wasn't trying to stir up trouble.

I understand OP. It’s so insulting towards you, from someone who has no skin in the game.
You are a loving and supportive mother, who is close to her daughter and navigating the difference in opinion well. Here is someone who doesn’t know you, has no idea of your relationship, and has no understanding of why women need and want single sex spaces . He is essentially saying “poor you, having such an awful mother” to your dd.
Why isn’t he saying “that must be very difficult for your Mum?”. Why baby someone who is at least 21, intelligent, and an adult.
I am lucky that my dds and I all agree on this issue, but it is a very ingrained ideology in universities now, so my eldest (who is also doing a Masters) keeps her head down and doesn’t discuss it with many friends at all.
I find it baffling that a lesbian wouldn’t grasp the importance of all female spaces, maybe she will change her mind as she gets older and is out in the real world .

This !

Ditto. Blows the mind.

This.

We can all differ politely but nowadays 'terf' has been appropriated by activists as a slur. If my dc had 'confided' in a professor who then said 'that must be difficult' I'd be fuuuumin.

The halfwit prof should have said oh well that will make for healthy debate.

What is it with uni staff nowadays all so wet and woke.

Yes. I would be furious.
I am also a TERF. I would have a strong word.

Notice he did didn't say that must be difficult for both of you.

You are a TERF. Try not to be offended by the accurate labeling of your own beliefs, that's a bit odd.

You need to read that statement completely neutrally. It’s not about you. It IS difficult for her.

if you were in front of him socially he might say the same thing to you 🤷‍♀️

it’s a completely neutral statement

I feel that her prof is a very profound influence on her at a time in her life when she is impressionable.
I feel it would have been more appropriate to observe “that sounds difficult for both of you”.

It would have been appropriate for her not to discuss you and him to say " Your mother's beliefs are now legal, whatever you may think".