To be hurt and angry that DD told her prof her mum is a TERF and he sympathised

[Dahliadaily]

My DD is at a Russell group uni studying a masters following a 1st in humanities. I’m really proud of her obviously.
We were always really close. She cried for me throughout freshers’ week, relied on my tough love.

We differ respectfully on the trans issue. I am a feminist and a biology grad and believe in the reality of sex and the importance of single sex spaces, the rule of law.

We negotiate this ok and do keep talking. I’m sure that more unites us than separates us. We agree on prostitution for example. But not on the medicalisation of gender.

She is a lesbian. Has lots of gay non binary and trans friends. Her flatmate is a trans man. I’d never make a personal remark about any of them.

My other DD told me that uni DD has got close to a prof (male and gay - nothing sleazy) and told him I was a TERF. He responded “that must be really difficult for you”.

She’s an intelligent young woman, capable of forming her own views. But I can’t help being hurt by her comment and angry with the prof for siding with this idea that I’m difficult or even evil / unkind. It feels a bit like grooming.

I don’t want to say that you’re being unreasonable, but this is an example how hard it is to be “out” as gender critical ( I don’t use TERF anymore, it’s a slur). Someone like you, an academic, is more than qualified to have reached this conclusion and you have no reason to believe that there’s anything wrong with your statements. But the trans sympathisers out there are so captured, they’ve become programmed to picture an evil cave dwelling harridan when they hear the word terf, the misogyny is now off the scale. The prof assumed that your differences with your daughter must be hard for her because she’s openly gay, his assumption was wrong and hopefully your daughter’s reaction will make him regret the comment.

But you're nothing to do with him so why would he comment on/care whether it is difficult for you?

Having wildly different beliefs from close family can be difficult. It sounds like you and your daughter are handling this well without letting it spoil your relationship though. Concentrate on feeling proud for raising a daughter who is confident enough to form her own opinions and respectfully disagree with you without falling out. You've obviously done a great job as a mum.

What would your reaction be if you told a friend about your daughter’s views and she said, “that must be difficult for you.”? You’ve said yourself it IS difficult. What is wrong with someone acknowledging that?

Thank you. Very wise. For the record, I’m proud of my views and don’t object to being called a TERF. I do object to the implication that holding such a rational, mainstream view is being perceived as somehow marring my child’s life.

Apologies if I've missed it OP

But what was your daughter's response when the Prof said it must be difficult for her?

Haven’t we all disagreed with our parents at times and thought their opinions are stupid and moaned about them and others have agreed while probably thinking oh do change the record

i gleefully told my dad recently about my sister (half) going on the flag waving march yes I knew he would be a upset and more so confused but that didn’t stop me winning a few brownie points

Wtf. No need to be mean. OP seems to accept that her daughter is a lesbian so she's hardly narrowminded. I would treat it like I treat religious people ; with tolerance even though I think they are delusional. As long as they don't start preaching at me I let them believe whatever they want to.

I treat all of this stuff as if you replace the word terf for agnostic.

Imagine someone sympathising because they are religious and you are agnostic. And they genuinely believe that people who don’t believe in God in the exact same way as they do are problematic.

Honestly once you do that you feel sorry for how difficult it must be having such a rigid mindset. Mental flexibility is one of the hallmarks of good mental health. That rigidity is going to interfere a lot in their life.

Trans ideology is just a new age religion. There have been people using religion as a tool for control immemorial and that will continue forever too.

Your daughter finding things difficult to navigate with her beliefs differing from her mothers is also as old as time. I rarely speak to my kids about gender ideology because I accept the differences between us with regards to gender ideology.

Don’t take it personally.

“One of my daughters said that my other daughter said that her professor said….”

Grow up.

Bullshit comparisons with racism. Racism is illegal. Believing people cannot change sex is legal.

You’re hurt that you feel she has been disloyal and labelled you. Yet you’re mad with him making a neutral station about that. You’re projecting your difficult feelings about your daughter onto the professor. You’re being unfair to him.
Both are actually entitled to disagree with you.
And your other daughter has not gone about this the right way.

Indeed.
Knowing that there are only two sexes is not comparable to racism.

I recently told an academic I know that I was a terf. She recoiled and reacted in a way that I later reflected that for her it was as if I’d said cheerfully that I was a racist. She’s incredibly misinformed about what ‘our side thinks’, but thinks it is ‘her subject’. I can understand your frustration but I think his words are inevitable for most in that sphere. Don’t let what he thinks define you.

I don’t actually agree with you there but that’s by the by, possibly a sloppy example. As I see above people have put me in my place and again probs a terrible example but I was just trying to put myself in your daughters shoes of how she might be feeling.

What I meant was (as as other pp have said, most of whom I would say agree with your views about the specific subject in hand) this isn’t a bout your beliefs on trans people it’s about your daughter trusting someone to confide in that she is struggling with your views/beliefs, and by the sound of it her sisters too. Again you are hearing something third hand and she got a snippy response from her sisters too so I can see why she might struggle to have a minority opinion in a household, esp as she runs in circles with trans people.

her prof is her prof therefore was supporting his student.

I’m sure the conversation was more in depth than just this remark too and she probably felt good to get some of her feelings off her chest with someone that she feels comfortable to confide in.

Why can she not talk to her professor who shares her opinions and get sympathy from him but you can come on to MN (where the majority will share your anti-trans views) and get sympathy from them?

That’s not the implication of his comment at all. You are way over reacting. There’s no implication that you ARE difficult only that she is finding the interaction difficult

You know there’s no way he can say anything else and keep his job right? I know far better than to share any gender critical views around the young people I teach and mentor. If one of them said a similar comment to me I would go with validation of their feelings because it’s about how they feel and not the specific topic. Letting slip my actual views on the topic is more than my jobs worth. I don’t want to get cancelled or have a hate campaign on social media a la Kathleen Stock

Do you class the acronym as an insult or do you refer to yourself as a TERF?

Im sure the conversation would have had more to it.

As her lecturer / professor, he is in a role to support her, not you. Saying ‘that must be difficult’ acknowledges that she might find it difficult. He didn’t say you, or your views, were wrong. ‘That must be difficult for you’ or ‘That sounds difficult for you’ are lines I say routinely in roles where I am supporting people. It doesn’t mean that I agree with them, only that I acknowledge their struggles.

@Dahliadaily "the implication that [...] somehow marring my child’s life."

OP honestly get over it. You've tried to paint this as you being called "evil", your child being "groomed" you being called "difficult" and now you "marring your child's life"

Cool off.

You, DD, and prof probably all agree that your fundamentally different views on this can be difficult to navigate.

You're making it much harder by seeing everything which was said (which was pretty innocuous even in the version distilled from your shit-stirring other DD) in the most offensive light to paint yourself as the victim.

Step back.

Be glad you have a good relationship with your daughters. Be unsurprised you don't agree on everything. Be unsurprised your educated daughter has discussions with academics. Be pissed off at golden child other DD trying to upset everyone else.

The problem here is:

1. your other daughter stirring and gossippinh
2. you reacting to third hand news.

He has no duty of care towards you. As a professor/tutor, he does have a duty of care towards your DD as a student at his University so his response was supportive to your DD. His response was quite diplomatic actually. Your DD obviously is finding your stance on transgender people difficult to deal with if she confided in this professor that you are a TERF. He didn't criticise or bad-mouth you.

You really should have started this thread in Feminism.

But anyway, stop caring so much about what your DD thinks. My DD probably thinks the same. Who cares what they think?

If one is a TERF, then what is the acronym for people who believe in all this Emperor's New Clothes stuff? Asking for a friend.

Being kind.

I'm not being snotty at all, I am genuinely fascinated by how fragmented things are