To be hurt and angry that DD told her prof her mum is a TERF and he sympathised

[Dahliadaily]

My DD is at a Russell group uni studying a masters following a 1st in humanities. I’m really proud of her obviously.
We were always really close. She cried for me throughout freshers’ week, relied on my tough love.

We differ respectfully on the trans issue. I am a feminist and a biology grad and believe in the reality of sex and the importance of single sex spaces, the rule of law.

We negotiate this ok and do keep talking. I’m sure that more unites us than separates us. We agree on prostitution for example. But not on the medicalisation of gender.

She is a lesbian. Has lots of gay non binary and trans friends. Her flatmate is a trans man. I’d never make a personal remark about any of them.

My other DD told me that uni DD has got close to a prof (male and gay - nothing sleazy) and told him I was a TERF. He responded “that must be really difficult for you”.

She’s an intelligent young woman, capable of forming her own views. But I can’t help being hurt by her comment and angry with the prof for siding with this idea that I’m difficult or even evil / unkind. It feels a bit like grooming.

Or those who believe in biological sex and safe spaces for women.

The thing is, you weren’t there so you don’t know exactly how the conversation went. And professors are not infallible so even if he did say those exact words I still don’t see it as a huge issue. He’s HER professor and while it might have been worded clumsily (in your opinion) it sounds like he was just displaying empathy towards his student. It’s definitely not akin to grooming.

I’m a TERF and I imagine that’s difficult for some of my friends.

Youre reading into it. The difference on the issue between you must be difficult for her both to navigate and given her belief. Same as it must be for you

It is difficult to disagree over something you both feel strongly about even (especially?) in a loving relationship. It is clearly difficult for you.

Your other daughter was stirring up trouble.

Yes, you are a TERF. So am I. There are loads of us.

My adult children have a lot of trans-identifying friends and strongly disagree with me on the issues of women's single sex spaces. That's ok. We raised people, not mini-me clones. We still love each other and get along.

It's hard for them sometimes, and they acknowledge that with their friends just as I acknowledge it with mine. Don't read more into it than that.

Have a good look at your other daughter and ask why she's trying to cause friction between you as nd her sister, though.

Yabu. Of course it must be difficult for her, I assume it's difficult for you too if your views don't align. He's there to support her, not you. What did you want him to say? Your mums right?

But it will be difficult for her more than for you. You said yourself she has transgender friends.

it doesn’t matter what any other people on MN believe, what the professor said to your DD is likely a very true statement (and TBF you have third hand info on this BTW you other dd is stirring!).

it would be akin to you (for example) having an issue with a particular race of people and your daughter feeling quite strongly against this and having friends within this race, if she confided in a trusted prof about this she would likely get the same response.

"the implication that it must be difficult to be my daughter"

This is, again, you interpreting something on top of what you have been told was said. "That [situation] must be difficult for you" is totally different from "it must be difficult to be her daughter" and you know it.

You say in your OP "we negotiate this OK". You also know it's not simple.

You feel sorry for yourself but try to apply logic to this given how much you enjoy being a scientist about things.

Also, do you think you're getting the absolute truth from DD2 who chose to stir the pot about something she knew you and your daughter disagree on, so she could place herself in favourable light in that story?

I’m gender critical OP and work in an education setting. To be honest, if a student told me their parent was a ‘TERF’ - and it was clear that bothered them - I would probably reply in a similar way. ‘That must be really difficult for you’ can be read as simply acknowledging the person’s feelings, not necessarily endorsing them. It’s a rather like what a counsellor would say when you share a difficult situation with them.

a) it’s a 3rd hand report you can’t be sure of the exact words
b) he’s not a therapist. You are expecting a therapist level of precision language. What he said is barely different to what you suggest he ought to have said

He’s used a pretty anodyne validating response that is fairly generic and could have been said whether he agrees or disagrees with her views. I am gender critical but I’d say pretty much the exact same ‘gosh that sounds really difficult for you’ or words to that effect.

You have imported all kinds of other fears you have about this friendship into his words I think…

I'm a 'Terf' op with a daughter who is a lesbian and who disagrees with me that men identifying as women are a threat to women's spaces and that gender medicalisation of children is a scandal. I fully expect that she tells her enby friends about me and that they sympathise with her. I haven't voted on your aibu because it is unreasonable to expect people who disagree with you to not seek support from other people with similar views but I sympathise with you feeling upset that she's not supportive of your right to hold opposing views. You are not your daughter and your daughter isn't you. I'm sure you disagreed strongly with your parents on some issues when you were younger - it is part of growing up. Anyway, hugs and sympathy and the terfs will be shown to be right in the long term.

As so many posters don't know what a TERF is:
Do you want a pap smear from a transwoman?
Do you want transwomen in women's sports?
Do you want transwomen in women's prisons or rape centres?
Do you believe transwomen suffer from periods or menopause?
Do you believe in pregnant people?

If you answered no to any of these, congratulations! You are a TERF. Also known as the majority of people.

It probably is difficult for her though to have a mum with opposing views on something she feels strongly about? I'd be devastated if my mum was a TERF and hope we could navigate it as well as you and your DD.

I mean, the TERF label is kind of right, right?

You are a feminist and you believe in single sex spaces, which is clearly trans exclusionary. Or are you offended by the word 'radical'?

I'd take that on the chin and accept that it's part of the language used by her peers.

I also think the professor didn't really go in on you. It probably IS hard for DD, as a lesbian with many gay/non-binary/trans friends, to accept that one of the people she loves most in the World has opposing views on something her generation, arguably her friend group in particular, hold such strong moral views on.

She's in her rebellious years - maybe try to tread carefully on the subject and go out of your way to speak kindly of all of her friends for now.

In time the whole debate is likely to calm down and she'll find working and paying bills a dampener on her fervour, I'm sure.

You are two women who are allowed to have their own views and disagree. It might be worth reminding her that you have trod very different paths and had different life experiences that have led you to where you are. A bit of empathy for each other would go a long way here, I think.

I'd just love her fiercely, support her wholly and continue to speak on things gently, I think.

And tell your other DD to stop sticking her oar in! She's not making things better, is she?!

I'm sure it'll be fine in the long run.

Your mum probably is one and hasn't told you?

Here is another one. No need to be snotty. You can be aware of the debate without knowing all the acronyms🙄
For those wondering : Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist (Google)

That’s probably about as neutral as the uni prof can be. What did you expect - for him to challenge her?

Perhaps he recognised that something upset his student, in which case he sympathised by acknowledging and centring her feelings.

Perhaps he’s a sex-realist himself, but was unsure of his position, so chose neutrality.

We know that many universities are totally captured, partly because students are now customers that they are afraid of alienating, rather than young people being taught to think.

Perhaps he’s a men’s rights activist, but aware of changing attitudes, so chose sympathetic neutrality.

There’s no way of knowing.

Nonetheless, I have empathy for you. It is awful when your daughter is vulnerable to such a nasty, anti-women, anti-liberality ideology.

Are you upset her professor is more understanding of her than her own mother?

If your daughter isn't a TERF then neither is she a lesbian as I assume she believes TWAW and therefore she is bisexual rather than a lesbian. I really wouldn't be that concerned over the discussions of a grown adult who cannot identify their own sex or indeed their sexuality.

Respectfully, my views are nothing like racism. More like anti-racism if you think about it.

She's not actually, quite the opposite, just a generally inclusive and decent person, and loves her trans sibling. How odd of you to assume.

Ha. I am a brown TERF so I guess I am racist too to not want a man giving me a pap smear.

You can love trans people and still be a TERF. Just like I love my son and still wouldnt want him in a woman's toilet.

I’m not sure what he would be expected to say, she probably does find your view a little difficult so the fact he empathised with her seems perfectly normal to me

I wonder why what has upset you to the point of posting here is a conversation between two adults and not the fact that one of your daughters is trying to drive a wedge between you and her sister? I hope you told her to mind her own business, and that you have warned your daughter that her sister cannot be trusted.