To be hurt and angry that DD told her prof her mum is a TERF and he sympathised

[Dahliadaily]

My DD is at a Russell group uni studying a masters following a 1st in humanities. I’m really proud of her obviously.
We were always really close. She cried for me throughout freshers’ week, relied on my tough love.

We differ respectfully on the trans issue. I am a feminist and a biology grad and believe in the reality of sex and the importance of single sex spaces, the rule of law.

We negotiate this ok and do keep talking. I’m sure that more unites us than separates us. We agree on prostitution for example. But not on the medicalisation of gender.

She is a lesbian. Has lots of gay non binary and trans friends. Her flatmate is a trans man. I’d never make a personal remark about any of them.

My other DD told me that uni DD has got close to a prof (male and gay - nothing sleazy) and told him I was a TERF. He responded “that must be really difficult for you”.

She’s an intelligent young woman, capable of forming her own views. But I can’t help being hurt by her comment and angry with the prof for siding with this idea that I’m difficult or even evil / unkind. It feels a bit like grooming.

Grooming? Are you mad?

She’s a bloody adult woman with a different opinion to you and her professor is perfectly fucking entitled to share her opinion rather than yours. If you’re a feminist, you should surely fully understand that your daughter as a woman isn’t a naive little girl being ‘groomed’ but a mature adult who is allowed to talk to her friends, colleagues and academic staff about whatever she likes and they’re equally entitled to say they agree with her. She’s an independent adult in her 20s, not a child in your care.

Also… it probably is quite difficult for her to know that you fundamentally disagree on an issue that’s obviously very important to her. It’s probably difficult for both of you. I really don’t see what the problem is with anyone acknowledging that.

I agree this is enraging. The way to handle it, I think, is to get all your hurt and anger out elsewhere (eg here) and then when you see her say in a very matter of fact and seemingly non-upset way, 'your sister told me x. Do you want to chat about it?'

The only way to deal with this sort of made up drama is with transparent anti-drama. Mind you, show me a fresher that hasn't made their life seem more interesting to their coursemates and I'll sell you a unicorn egg.

If any response from the tutor was needed, the correct one would be ‘and how do you feel about that’, not overlaying his own opinion on her.

that said… it’s not the worst thing he could have said..

generational differences and beliefs are as old as time.

YANBU shame your DD has fallen for the transition propaganda.

She’s an adult and it must be difficult so really not getting the issue. Well voiced.

You can’t control what she does or thinks which clearly is difficult for you.

That is a better way of looking at it. Regardless of which side of the debate he favours.

She’s a post-grad adult and he is a professor. She isn’t a child talking to her teacher!

The conversations she has with her professors are absolutely none of your business.

This.

If you’re confident in your beliefs and what you know to be true, that’s enough, regardless of whether your daughter agrees. Why do you care so much?

I have a son with political views similar to mine, and one who thinks very differently. It matters not one iota. I encouraged them to think for themselves in life, to make up their own minds about things and not to be swayed by others or follow popular opinion if they didn’t agree with it. If they’re true to themselves and form their own opinions instead of parroting other people’s - that’s a good thing.

I am S Asian so I have a different view. I don't bitch or gossip about my parent to anybody. I disagree with her on a lot. But I am not going to use her for sympathy from men. Especially men who don't know what women are.
Deeply disrespectful.

It's unfortunate that you feel so upset by the precise wording of a private conversation between two adults about something which you acknowledge is complicated.

You weren't there so you don't know what was said. Your daughter might not have used the word TERF, she might have spoken at length about how much she loves and respects you but why this is tricky. Prof might have agreed it is all very difficult. He might have said "difficult for you" meaning "you" (plural). You got it through the grapevine.

I would be asking myself why other DD felt the need to tell your something presumably told to her in confidence which would no doubt upset you.

You've chosen to interpret it in the most harmful way ("daughter's being groomed, they're all saying I'm evil") rather than realising it's normal that adults talk to adults about complex family dynamics.

It sounds like you've navigated this well so far, it would be an error, imo, to push DD1 away because DD2 felt the need to stir.

I agree with you regarding biology and sex.

But to be fair from her point of you she’s an adult discussing a long-standing disagreement she has with her mum with a friend.

Did you never talk to your friends at 22 about arguments you had with your parents?

After all you are currently sharing the disagreement with millions of strangers.

You are upset because you feel that sharing a disagreement outside the family is a betrayal. But let’s be honest she 22, it won’t be the first time that either of your daughters has complained about you to a friend. It comes with parenting territory.

Stay calm, stay rational, keep discussing it on a positive sensible manner. She might come to agree with you in time or she might not.

I love my Mother very much but we have several points of ideological and political difference. It doesn’t need to ruin your relationship.

I’ve never heard of it either

It was probably something of a throwaway comment. I mean what else was he going to say?

My dd and I respectfully disagree about this issue too. If she said this to a professor in a couple of years time (she’s in sixth form now) and got that response, I expect she’d respond “no actually it’s fine, just one of those things”.

I do think it would have been better if your other dd hadn’t told you though - her sister deserves some privacy for her Uni life.

It’s not the pejorative label. I object to the implication that it must be difficult to be my daughter when all I do is love and support her in every way.

But you are a TERF.

Do you mean you object to the professor saying it must be difficult for her? Surely you can see it must be hard?

Hop on over to the feminism boards. They are one of the best things about MN.

But we know 😂

I’ve always loved bubbles.

Thanks. Agree my other DD is stirring. Apparently she replied “I hope you told him your big sister is a TERF too”.

Your other DD is stirring though and I wouldn't call this grooming.
I also advise all mums of young people- I am one- to distance yourself a bit. Make yourself much less available and see how much nicer they treat you.

TERF is a meaningless sequence of letters and someone at university shouldn’t be using it. It’s ridiculous.

TERF
Noun
An acronym meaning Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. A shorthand to describe one cohort of feminists who self-identify as radical and are unwilling to recognize trans women as sisters, unlike other feminists who do.

Did shit stirry daughter tell you what her sister's response was?

You’ve heard it third hand by your other daughter who is stirring the pot coming to you to tell tales about a subject she knows you and her sister disagree on.

It’s also nothing like grooming!