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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend keeps dragging up the past

239 replies

scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 09:01

Not so much an AIBU, more of a WWYD but posting here for traffic. DH and I have been together for over 35 years. We see this particular friend once or twice a year (she lives in a different country, I’ve known her from school age). Every single time we see her, she brings up a huge, public stupid drunken argument DH and I had 30 years ago in a pub on NYE where I was in the wrong and made a fool of myself (I’d assumed he was having an affair - he wasn’t, he was actually planning a really fun ‘experience’ type gift for me which involved lots of clandestine phone calls!). I apologised and we agreed to draw a line under it. I cringe every time she mentions it. I’ve tried everything I can think of…laughing along with her, breezily brushing it off, redirecting the conversation, telling her it makes me feel uncomfortable, asking her to stop talking about it. DH has also asked her to let it go but she still mentions it every time and we are walking on eggshells as we both know she’s going to drag it up again! What would you do? Any ideas welcome. We text and call regularly and it’s never mentioned - only ever face to face.

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2020 · 02/11/2025 09:04

I'd simply ask her why she keeps bringing it up despite being told not too. I'd tell her it's weird she keeps bringing up something that happened decades ago. Then, if she did it again I'd let the friendship go.

GarlicBreadStan · 02/11/2025 09:05

Stop being friends with her

WearyCat · 02/11/2025 09:06

First post nails it.

Is it after she’s had a drink that she brings it up?

Mouthfulofquiz · 02/11/2025 09:07

Do you actually need to spend time with this person? Could you just let it slide? If she asks why, just say, you seem obsessed with what happened 30 years ago. Sounds like you have asked her not to drag it up in allllll the different ways possible. Either she’s got something wrong with her or she’s just not a person worth spending time with.

dontlikethings · 02/11/2025 09:08

Don't see her any more.

Moomum123 · 02/11/2025 09:09

Next time she starts to mention it just be very blunt and say stop, why on earth is she mentioning something from 30 years ago, it’s not funny or kind, it’s unnecessary. If she tries to carry on it may be because she thinks she’s being amusing but really it’s provocative and mean.

MarmaladeSandwich7 · 02/11/2025 09:10

I couldn’t be doing with that! 30 years ago! I would let the friendship slide.

ExtraOnions · 02/11/2025 09:11

I would say it first, then i’m nit worried about it coming up “I remember the time I got dunk and accused DH of an affair, good job we’ve all grown up since then”

I am the youngest in a big group of siblings, they are all always brining things up .. yea it’s embarrassing, but I just say embarrassing stuff about them in return

ThanksBridesmaidLikeTheBeard · 02/11/2025 09:14

When you told her it made you feel uncomfortable, what was her response to that? Does she realise you're being serious when you've said that? Because anyone that continues to knowingly make a person feel uncomfortable isn't a very good friend.

rockwater · 02/11/2025 09:14

I'd have some fun with this. I would go very serious and say to her "X, is there something you would like to confess to me that happened that night?. You bring this incident up constantly and it's obvious you are absolutely obsessed with it. It's ok- you can tell me....." make HER feel uncomfortable about it

HangryBlueCritic · 02/11/2025 09:20

I’d be blunt and say “we’ve decided that we won’t meet up anymore as despite asking you not to you always bring up the past. We’re not sure what your motive is but it spoils the time we spend with you. It’s an incident we’ve moved on from a long time ago but as you don’t seem to be able to it’s time for us to move on from you.”

Original poster
scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 09:29

Thanks for the responses, you’ve all given me food for thought. She’s a very old family friend and we get on really well other than this weirdness. To answer some questions, when I tell her it makes me feel uncomfortable she says stuff like ‘well you shouldn’t have kicked off then/you should have thought about what you were saying’. I like the sound of bringing it up first but equally, every time we meet up, I kind of hope that this time will be different. It never is! Maybe the answer is to let the friendship slide and be unavailable a bit more. Friend is on her own (widowed - not recent). I just struggle to understand why she keeps going on about it. So maybe the answer is to ask!

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 02/11/2025 09:30

agree with first post, you need to actually talk about it and say how it makes you feel. So many people don’t get hints. Especially a person who lacks the social awareness to stop bringing up something cringy from 30 years ago

Original poster
scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 09:32

And yes, it’s often at the dinner table/having a drink that she brings it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 09:33

Disturbia81 · 02/11/2025 09:30

agree with first post, you need to actually talk about it and say how it makes you feel. So many people don’t get hints. Especially a person who lacks the social awareness to stop bringing up something cringy from 30 years ago

I have done…I have told her it makes me feel uncomfortable and to stop - and still she carries on.

OP posts:
CrinaCara · 02/11/2025 09:34

The problem here is that the OP has stated how it makes her feel and the friend insists on ploughing on regardless. We have a family member like this who always responds with ' I'm just saying it like it is'. So we've not bothered with her anymore. Bliss.

It seems like some sort of power play and as it hasn't stopped then I'd not meet up again.

Candleabra · 02/11/2025 09:37

Does she have a thing for your DH? Trying to make you look bad every time you see her, and reminding him of a time you behaved badly? Or just a weird power game to make you look generally bad. It is a weird thing to do for so long. She doesn’t sound very nice.

Disturbia81 · 02/11/2025 09:38

scotchpotch · 02/11/2025 09:33

I have done…I have told her it makes me feel uncomfortable and to stop - and still she carries on.

Show quote history

She has no regard for your feelings then, not much of a friend. I would cool the friendship

Bladderpool · 02/11/2025 09:39

Is there anything she wouldn’t want YOU to bring up about HER? If there is, you should counter her every time and start talking over her. If she says something like “why are you bringing that up?” tell her you’re just doing exactly what she does and it’s a bit shit, isn’t it?

BigGirlBoxers · 02/11/2025 09:40

Have you been too polite when asking her not to keep bringing it up? I can just imagine myself in this scenario, feeling awkward about seeming to criticise her and therefore addressing the issue very very lightly or even laughingly.

If there is a possibility that you have been too polite, then I think you have to steel yourself to bring the issue up with her and tell her quite frankly Don't do this. It is unfair and it is stopping me and DH from enjoying your company.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/11/2025 09:41

Friend over the years DH and I have asked you on more than one occasion not to mention that incident. I have told you how it makes me feel when you bring it up. You continue to do so. Why is that?

ilparadodosdoltos · 02/11/2025 09:42

Do you always ask her not to at the actual time that’s she doing it? If so, change that. Bring it up at a completely different time, in a message perhaps. Then she doesn’t have to defend herself on the spot but has to think about it at a separate time.

People can fixate on certain things once they’ve had a drink, it’s so tedious.

starsintheirears · 02/11/2025 09:44

BigGirlBoxers · 02/11/2025 09:40

Have you been too polite when asking her not to keep bringing it up? I can just imagine myself in this scenario, feeling awkward about seeming to criticise her and therefore addressing the issue very very lightly or even laughingly.

If there is a possibility that you have been too polite, then I think you have to steel yourself to bring the issue up with her and tell her quite frankly Don't do this. It is unfair and it is stopping me and DH from enjoying your company.

I agree.

You've been polite and told her it makes you uncomfortable and she still does it.

Now it's time to be firmer. Ask her flat out why she keeps doing it tell her that the fact she doesnt seem to care about your feelings is starting to make you not want to spend time with her. Dont cushion it, dont apologise for it, dont be hesitant about it. Tell her that you are PISSED OFF about this and there will be consequences.

It's not being mean to her, you have already brought it up kindly and she's ignored it.

People can fixate on certain things once they’ve had a drink, it’s so tedious

Yup- I also agree with this. Alcohol often makes people tedious repetitive bores

WrylyAmused · 02/11/2025 09:45

Depending on how much you value the friendship otherwise, it might be worth one final conversation.

"Friend, I've asked you several times to stop mentioning this piece of ancient history. Despite that, you keep bringing it up. I like you, but if you're not able to respect my wishes in this matter, then I'm afraid that I'm going to choose not to spend time with you in future. It's up to you."

UniversityofWarwick · 02/11/2025 09:45

When you plan your next face to face tell her you don't want to meet if she's going to bring it up. That you've asked her not to in the past and you're fed up with your wishes being ignored. Then, if she does, walk away. On the night and forever. She's no friend.