Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my BF exploiting me because I'm vulnerable?

177 replies

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:13

I came out of a relationship with severe DV which was also suffered by my 3 children, who were sexually abused by their DF. I was an absolute wreck when I found out what happened to my DC. They hadnt been able to tell me because of age and disabilities. I was introduced to a man by a friend who said he wanted to help us. He would go for groceries or be someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone who just wanted to help anyway he could. Very quickly he wanted to be a couple. I felt alone in the world which had totally collapsed and I was now a single parent with 3 traumatised children and a court case.
Since then he has started asking for money, first it was for things like he hadn't been paid because of a mess up at work, but now its several times a month. He complains he has to put up with my DC who have complicated disabilities and that he has his own MH problems. I feel very vulnerable because I've needed the emotional support as a working mum with a history of DV and 3 DC with disabilities and trauma, and having someone there was comforting. Believe me you get NO help if you find out your DP is a paedophile. Any support services have a 2 year waiting list and you get a couple of sessions with people who are useless. So Ive stayed with my new BF, but asking me for money several times a month, which is never paid back, just feels like exploitation. But now he says he has mental health problems and he needs me to help him get through them (financially supporting him as well as emotionally), do you think he's taking advantage of me because he knows I'm vulnerable? WWYD?

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 02/11/2025 07:14

End it now.

SpoonyRubyHam · 02/11/2025 07:15

How quickly has all this happened? Please end it now and be there for your children. Don't bring another person into their life that is going to so be abusive.

Wowzel · 02/11/2025 07:16

This man is also very bad for you.

rubyslippers · 02/11/2025 07:18

End it
hes terrible for you
yes, you’re vulnerable and he’s exploiting it

NutButterOnToast · 02/11/2025 07:18

He is not a good man.

You know this, which is why you're asking the question.

Please trust your instincts and protect yourself.

Roselily123 · 02/11/2025 07:20

Not sure what you mean by no support.
you’re the victim here.
assuming ex is completely out of the picture?
Just tell this man no when he asks for money and to remind him that he owes you x amount of pounds and so that’s an end to it.
Your money is for the children

Cinnamon77 · 02/11/2025 07:20

End this relationship immediately and get support for your children. Has their father been arrested?

Snoken · 02/11/2025 07:20

I get that you need support and you should have support but not from this random man who has latched on to you and your kids. You are doing your kids a huge disservice by allowing this man to take the money you could have used to get all of you professional help. Put yourself and your children first, you all need and deserve it.

AquaFurball · 02/11/2025 07:20

You and your children deserve better. This is another abuser. Financially and emotionally (has to put up with your children wtf).

You are stronger than you think and do not need any man in your life, let alone a sub standard one like him.

mumonthehill · 02/11/2025 07:21

You need to walk away today. You then must get support for yourself and your dc. You have all been through so much but you have to find yourself and feel strength. This man is no good for you or your dc.

JMSA · 02/11/2025 07:23

You just need to stay away from men. You don’t need him.
Focus on your children. They need you.

pinkfondu · 02/11/2025 07:24

Trust yourself.

There are kind people out there but there are also people who will look to take advantage of a vulnerable person.

Have you spoken to womens aid before? have you been told about the Freedom Programe?

Original poster
Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:24

He was on the sidelines for the first 6months but very quickly became the father figure they craved. He was an anti-paedophile activist and a life long friend of my friend so I trusted him. We don't live together. But it's now been 2 years and his mental health problems have been on and off this year. He's been asking for money throughout the relationship but now its several times a month. I never put my children 2nd but I put myself last. I feel torn between wanting to help him and not having the mick taken. But he's also made himself the father figure for the DC so I feel they will be hurt all over again if I end it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:27

I haven't heard of the Freedom programme but womens aid were involved for a short time at the start. I'll contact them.

OP posts:
fromadistance2025 · 02/11/2025 07:28

End it and stop dating until you have had a couple of years of therapy.

66babe · 02/11/2025 07:29

If you do not get yourself away from this man , you may find the authorities undoubtedly involved to support your children may take the view that you are unable to safeguard them from another form of abuse . I am so sorry this has happened to you and your children - but this man is just another abuser . It is not your job to fix him . Do not be grateful for crumbs of kindness.

BigOldBlobsy · 02/11/2025 07:32

YABU for staying with this man or even contemplating staying
YANBU to question exploitation, of course it is! He’s spotted your vulnerability and latched. And shame on your ‘friend’ for introducing you to a man when your children have been sexually abused and you’ve suffered DV and probably just needed support to focus on you and the kids. Not men.

PollyBell · 02/11/2025 07:32

Stop seeing him and put your children first

BigOldBlobsy · 02/11/2025 07:35

Also OP 6 months isn’t long enough to test out a man. Especially when you have incredibly vulnerable and traumatised DC. Trust me when I say, as an ex social worker and child therapist, I’ve seen lots of predatory men play the VERY long game to get access to vulnerable kids. They always know who to target sadly as well.

As a woman, my question is always. What does this man think he is gaining from me, what do his behaviours show he is gaining. Why would he want to gain those things from me? I don’t want to be harsh but there are very few men or women selfless enough to want to acquire 3 traumatised children to care for!!! And that’s having worked in fostering also, where generally there are lots of selfless people and also some not so selfless people. Question motive always!

that’s my cynical social work head.

my therapist head says you all need to take time to process your trauma, get stronger and more stable as a family unit, before inviting others in who will change the dynamic and take focus away.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 02/11/2025 07:36

Are you asking for support with practical steps to get him out of your life?
What would be helpful for you from this thread?
Definitely don't give him any money.

You don't have the headspace to support someone like this. Your children will need so much from you while they heal from what's been done. Try and focus on that and if you need a social life, see if there's a craft group or something you can go to.

Snoken · 02/11/2025 07:36

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:24

He was on the sidelines for the first 6months but very quickly became the father figure they craved. He was an anti-paedophile activist and a life long friend of my friend so I trusted him. We don't live together. But it's now been 2 years and his mental health problems have been on and off this year. He's been asking for money throughout the relationship but now its several times a month. I never put my children 2nd but I put myself last. I feel torn between wanting to help him and not having the mick taken. But he's also made himself the father figure for the DC so I feel they will be hurt all over again if I end it.

You putting yourself last is also not good for your children. You are telling them that this man is more important than their own mother, they need to know that you look after them and yourself first. You are the family unit that needs protecting, not your boyfriend.

Original poster
Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:37

Yes the father was arrested and imprisoned. 3 years, 2 years without parole, but they let him out after 1 year. The judicial system doesn't protect women and children. The whole support system is very poor and I feel there must be lots of women out there vulnerable because of it. I've clearly stayed with abusers (I was in care as a child, almost no support) because of my own weaknesses. (However the second I found out my partner was a paedophile I phoned the police and fought tirelessly to convict him).

OP posts:
Buttcraic · 02/11/2025 07:43

There's a breed of man out there who can smell a freshly divorced vulnerable woman on the wind and make a beeline for them, it's disgusting. I nearly fell foul of it myself after leaving a covert narcissist. A man popped up who initially was very helpful and supportive, but he got cocky and rushed his control attempts, couldnt help himself, and after finally waking up to exDH, I felt the noose tighten around my neck when he started to neg and control...and immediately ran for the hills!

I think you've found another - cut the fecker off! Concentrate solely on your children, THAT is putting them first.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 02/11/2025 07:44

In short...
End it now.
Stop getting involved with men period.

You sound similar to my mum (she had a terrible childhood and marriage. she's almost hunted out by bad men like they can smell her coming) aged 60 she decided she just better off alone as she must have some aura.

Youve been through a huge amount try and find some peace stablity and routine for you and the kids.

Celestialmoods · 02/11/2025 07:45

Your children will not be hurt in the way that matters most of you leave this man, they will be protected. If they are upset then it is because they are traumatised children who don’t know what’s best for them. You have to do right by them now because he is quite obviously taking advantage of you, and them.