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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my BF exploiting me because I'm vulnerable?

177 replies

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:13

I came out of a relationship with severe DV which was also suffered by my 3 children, who were sexually abused by their DF. I was an absolute wreck when I found out what happened to my DC. They hadnt been able to tell me because of age and disabilities. I was introduced to a man by a friend who said he wanted to help us. He would go for groceries or be someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone who just wanted to help anyway he could. Very quickly he wanted to be a couple. I felt alone in the world which had totally collapsed and I was now a single parent with 3 traumatised children and a court case.
Since then he has started asking for money, first it was for things like he hadn't been paid because of a mess up at work, but now its several times a month. He complains he has to put up with my DC who have complicated disabilities and that he has his own MH problems. I feel very vulnerable because I've needed the emotional support as a working mum with a history of DV and 3 DC with disabilities and trauma, and having someone there was comforting. Believe me you get NO help if you find out your DP is a paedophile. Any support services have a 2 year waiting list and you get a couple of sessions with people who are useless. So Ive stayed with my new BF, but asking me for money several times a month, which is never paid back, just feels like exploitation. But now he says he has mental health problems and he needs me to help him get through them (financially supporting him as well as emotionally), do you think he's taking advantage of me because he knows I'm vulnerable? WWYD?

OP posts:
InfoSecInTheCity · 02/11/2025 07:46

It sounds very possible from. What you’ve said that yes he is using you. You should in my opinion step away from this relationship and focus entirely on you and your children.

Contact Women’s aid, push for therapy and support for you and your children and take a big chunk of time to just be a woman and a mum, without being in a relationship.

Yes your children will likely be upset by the change but it’s better for them to be temporarily upset now than to be long term tethered to a man who is using their mum and causing you distress.

WhatAKnob47 · 02/11/2025 07:46

You need to end the relationship. He knows your vulnerable and he's latched on to you like a leech.

Honestly, I think you'd be better off single. predatory men can see vulnerablity a mile away. You and your children have experience unimaginable, for most, trauma. You need to heal. You dont need a man to do that. You need to seek out support and finds what works for you and them.

Original poster
Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:48

So WWYD, cut the losses and say that's it done and end it now. Or ask for the money back and continue having ties until its repaid? Or does that just keep a foot in the door?

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 02/11/2025 07:48

Unfortunately you've found yourself another abuser. Please end this as soon as possible. You have three children to support so I'd be surprised if you had spare money available to lose to this waster.

GreenSox · 02/11/2025 07:49

Red flag all over. You’ve asked yourself on here so your gut is right and you’ve been told by everyone that you are absolutely right.

If you don’t walk away then it’s down to your own actions if things get worse with him. You have to accountability to keep yourself and your children safe.

PollyBell · 02/11/2025 07:49

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:48

So WWYD, cut the losses and say that's it done and end it now. Or ask for the money back and continue having ties until its repaid? Or does that just keep a foot in the door?

Do you care about your kids at all? Why sre you doing this to them?

AgnesX · 02/11/2025 07:51

Anyone who " has to put up with your children" isn't worth having. Why haven't you dumped him already. Your priority is them.

MyBrightPeer · 02/11/2025 07:51

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:24

He was on the sidelines for the first 6months but very quickly became the father figure they craved. He was an anti-paedophile activist and a life long friend of my friend so I trusted him. We don't live together. But it's now been 2 years and his mental health problems have been on and off this year. He's been asking for money throughout the relationship but now its several times a month. I never put my children 2nd but I put myself last. I feel torn between wanting to help him and not having the mick taken. But he's also made himself the father figure for the DC so I feel they will be hurt all over again if I end it.

The way he has embedded himself in your life is a huge red flag. End it.

TheBlueHotel · 02/11/2025 07:52

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:48

So WWYD, cut the losses and say that's it done and end it now. Or ask for the money back and continue having ties until its repaid? Or does that just keep a foot in the door?

Cut ties and make a small claims application to try to recover some of the money. But accept you'll likely never get it back.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/11/2025 07:53

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:24

He was on the sidelines for the first 6months but very quickly became the father figure they craved. He was an anti-paedophile activist and a life long friend of my friend so I trusted him. We don't live together. But it's now been 2 years and his mental health problems have been on and off this year. He's been asking for money throughout the relationship but now its several times a month. I never put my children 2nd but I put myself last. I feel torn between wanting to help him and not having the mick taken. But he's also made himself the father figure for the DC so I feel they will be hurt all over again if I end it.

What is an 'anti-paedophile activist'? It sounds as though he is just an opportunist who is preying on vulnerable women whose children have been the victims of child sexual abuse for financial gain.

Get rid of him immediately. He is not a safe person to be around your children.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 02/11/2025 07:53

You said he made himself their father figure. He didnt, you did as their mother in allowing this stranger to take that role. But more importantly, what sort of father figure? He said he deserves money from you because he puts up with your kids?! Wtf. That alone and he would be gone.

Very quickly he wanted to be a couple red flag.

he has started asking for money… several times a month red flag.

He complains he has to put up with my DC red flag

he has his own MH problems red flag. And wtf is he around your children?

anti-paedophile activist Now this made me wonder. Sounds like something a paedophile would say. When people strongly declRe themselves to be something when nobody actually asked them is a red flag.

But now he says he has mental health problems and he needs me to help him get through them (financially supporting him as well as emotionally) This is MORE reason to get rid. He is taking resources away from your children. Your time, emotional head space and money. Why would you want someone with poor mental health around your children who have serious needs of their own?

How is this man a support to you?

Skyflyinghigh · 02/11/2025 07:53

Gently and with total respect for the trauma you all have suffered, but why oh why would you bring another man into the situation. Especially after your children were sexually assaulted by their father. He’s manipulating and abusing you. Please end this now

Coldiron · 02/11/2025 07:54

You aren’t going to get your money back so just end it now.

Blessedbethefruitloopss · 02/11/2025 07:54

He’s a scrounger. Do both, end it and ask for the money back. Do not give him any more! Expect nothing back, and if anything comes that’s a bonus.

HedwigEliza · 02/11/2025 07:55

I voted YABU, because you have absolutely no business getting into a relationship with anyone when you have traumatised children to prioritise. That is where 100% of your time, attention and money should be going. If you claim to be vulnerable, why put yourself and your children in this position? It’s an unfortunate situation of your own making and totally avoidable. You don’t need a man around. Concentrate on your children. They’re depending on your good judgment and you need to do better.

GreenGodiva · 02/11/2025 07:55

Get rid of this man, add quickly and as far away as you possibly can. He is 100% exploiting you, unfortunately he’s just a different type of predator. A financial and emotional vampire.

You owe him nothing. There are only two paths that led here. He either helped you from the goodness of his heart for zero return, or he did it SPECIFICALLY so you would be indebted to him and he could feed on your supply. If it was the first, he would never ever throw it in your face and say “but I did ABC and so you should help me” .

Throw him in the bin. Also if you haven’t already, contact your gp and explain everything, ask them for specialist sexual trauma /dv therapy. There are plenty of services out there and I only waited 8 weeks for a course of 8 sessions last year, then could book right into another set with the same therapist. It sounds like you desperately need it and it will really benefit you in the long run. Have you contacted women’s aid? Your local DV services through the police?

also, the money you are throwing away on this giant waste of space could easily be used to buy in some of the help you need.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 02/11/2025 07:57

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:48

So WWYD, cut the losses and say that's it done and end it now. Or ask for the money back and continue having ties until its repaid? Or does that just keep a foot in the door?

You are not getting that money back. Has he ever paid any of it back?

SunnyDolly · 02/11/2025 07:59

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:48

So WWYD, cut the losses and say that's it done and end it now. Or ask for the money back and continue having ties until its repaid? Or does that just keep a foot in the door?

He’s never paying it back, OP. Cut your losses now and run. Sending you love for the future 🩷

WaltzingWaters · 02/11/2025 07:59

Yes he is absolutely taking advantage of you too. End it now and focus on recovery for you and your children rather than another relationship. Whatever you do, do not give him any more money.

Snoken · 02/11/2025 07:59

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:48

So WWYD, cut the losses and say that's it done and end it now. Or ask for the money back and continue having ties until its repaid? Or does that just keep a foot in the door?

End it and ask for the money back. Get your mutual friend to help if needed. She introduced you to this "man".

PaleRosePlease · 02/11/2025 08:03

I think you need to end it asap, in a way that will not bring more harm to you or your kids. You need support do you have family around you? Friends? Go to the doctors get on as many waiting lists as you can. There has to be more out there to help you, I am so sorry you have been through this and your dear children :( xx sending so much healing and hugs

cafenoirbiscuit · 02/11/2025 08:04

You’ve been strong enough to walk away from an abusive relationship before, and you can do it again.

Believe in yourself.

Original poster
Findingthe · 02/11/2025 08:04

Thank you for your advice. I have done everything for my children, I clearly need some kind of therapy. I've clearly got some issues tied to being in care and looking for a "family" and as a nice person who wants to help and support people I've been a target for the worst. I have contacted him and said its over. You're right the money isnt going to be repaid and I shouldn't have paid it in the first place. Nothing is more important than my children and when youre in the thick of it living day to day you dont notice the blaring obvious because youre trying to survive till bedtime. And emotional controlling behaviour makes you revert back to "what can I do to appease him just to get by" subconsciously I think victims do this. Thank you for your honesty. Some comments are a little harshly worded ladies, remember to be kind some women arent stupid or bad, just injured. But I thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
Clarabell77 · 02/11/2025 08:06

JMSA · 02/11/2025 07:23

You just need to stay away from men. You don’t need him.
Focus on your children. They need you.

This and this is why I voted YABU.

Hopelesscase32 · 02/11/2025 08:07

Cut the ties now before the poor children are put in another shitty situation.
His mental health is not your problem. Being in a relationship is the last thing you need quite frankly

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