Is my BF exploiting me because I'm vulnerable?

[Findingthe]

I came out of a relationship with severe DV which was also suffered by my 3 children, who were sexually abused by their DF. I was an absolute wreck when I found out what happened to my DC. They hadnt been able to tell me because of age and disabilities. I was introduced to a man by a friend who said he wanted to help us. He would go for groceries or be someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone who just wanted to help anyway he could. Very quickly he wanted to be a couple. I felt alone in the world which had totally collapsed and I was now a single parent with 3 traumatised children and a court case.
Since then he has started asking for money, first it was for things like he hadn't been paid because of a mess up at work, but now its several times a month. He complains he has to put up with my DC who have complicated disabilities and that he has his own MH problems. I feel very vulnerable because I've needed the emotional support as a working mum with a history of DV and 3 DC with disabilities and trauma, and having someone there was comforting. Believe me you get NO help if you find out your DP is a paedophile. Any support services have a 2 year waiting list and you get a couple of sessions with people who are useless. So Ive stayed with my new BF, but asking me for money several times a month, which is never paid back, just feels like exploitation. But now he says he has mental health problems and he needs me to help him get through them (financially supporting him as well as emotionally), do you think he's taking advantage of me because he knows I'm vulnerable? WWYD?

Sounds like you unfortunately just replaced one bad man with another ...but a different type of abuse this time .

You have shown amazing strength, OP. Despite having a background where you weren't shown the love and care you deserved as a child, you have managed to remove two abusive men from your life and your children's lives. That takes serious guts and determination.

Your children are lucky to have you. I hope you can come to realise that despite the terrible hand you've been dealt you can rely on yourself and be your own biggest advocate. I wish you all the best.

Good update op.
wishing you all the best
we’re all routing for you ❤️

An easy way to find out if he is using you, next time he askes just say " im sorry iv nothing spare this month" in other words just say what you would say if you didn't have any money to lend. If he is a true friend/partner then he will except that but if he is annoyed or stops helping out then you know the answer.

Get him the fuck out of your house. He's an abusive twat just like the other one. I realise it's hard but he's only going to make it harder

End it and for godsake do not have men around your children. I understand how traumatic this must have been for you but your kids were assualted by their own father and you’ve let another man in so quickly. Just because someone says they are good it doesn’t mean they are. You need to put your children first, you protect them by protecting yourself from creeps and exploiters.

If he hasn't paid anything back instead asked for more do you really think keeping him around will make a difference? He has no intentions to pay you back, you lent him more when he still owed you, never do that! Stop letting him manipulate you. End it, it will get worse.

Social services must be involved with your family op? Can they support you in leaving him? This guy might not go easily as you are his money source. You will need a plan and be very determined to not see him at all. Drop the money as you’re not getting it back.

Just cut your losses. The money isn't worth being tied to him.

Just seen your update OP, well done for ending things with this man. He swooped in when you were vulnerable and is exploiting your kind nature.

I hope you can access some therapy going forward - I would hold off on any relationship for a few years and just concentrate on you and your children healing. It will take time and your children need your full attention. Please don't bring another man into their lives - they have been through enough. Wishing you all the best for a peaceful safe future 💐

End it and look for a DV support group for women only, online if not in real life. There will be people who genuinely want to help you.

Get any man away from your children, especially one like this man. They are traumatised and need you. just be single for a while.

I’m glad you have ended it op. I really am.

but when he gets back in touch promising you the world, offering a token repayment to get you back on his side, REJECT HIM and block him. Do not let him persuade you AT ALL.

If he continues to push you, report him to the police.

@Findingthe you sound like an amazingly strong woman and a brilliant mum for doing what you’ve done to try to protect your kids and get your ex convicted. I hope you can find the strength to kick this disgusting man out of your lives and have the freedom you deserve. You should be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come

strong update OP!

Now I’d follow a strict protocol so he doesn’t reel you back in. Don’t meet (and defo not alone), change locks, hand over stuff without you present, don’t justify, also I’d not go into an explanation of the whys tbh, I’d go for a more teflon like ‘it’s not you it’s me’ reason in case you have to bring it up.

You’ve established a boundary

He has been there for you for two years. It's a lot.

What is your boyfriend situation? Has he lost his job? Why does he need money? Has anything triggered his mental health issues?

If he os genuinely going through a time time and it is now him who needs support, I would help him as I can. However, I would make it clear that as he hasn't been paying you back the money your lent him, you are not in a position to give him more money from now on. See how he reacts. Understanding: he might be genuine. Annoyed and accusatory: he is using you.

Well done telling him it’s over. That took courage and an acknowledgement that you’re worthy of putting yourself first.

Your background creates a level of vulnerability that you’re probably not even aware of - because you’ve had to be strong so how can you be vulnerable? You know you keep looking for a “family” which means anyone who seems to offer love and care and stability looks like a good deal, and you feel lucky they’re even looking your way.

That thinking is mistaken - some men actively seek out vulnerable women, it’s like they can smell it on you. It’s very hard but try to go it alone for a good while. Just you and your kids building a life for yourself. Make friends, build a support network, work on yourself but leave men alone for a while. Speak to Women’s Aid about support and counselling - there may be other services in your area for domestic abuse, they usually offer help after you’ve left so have a chat with them.

You’re incredibly strong, you really can do this and it’ll be so much easier without a parasitic, abusive man around your neck.

Yes he is, please keep men well out of your life until your children are much older. Please.

It sounds like you shouldn’t be in a relationship with anybody right now.

Your children have been through the most unimaginable thing and they don’t need new men being introduced into their lives.

You all need therapy and support.

This 100%
Let it go and learn from this

What a very tough life you’ve had @Findingthe

Far from being weak, you are incredibly strong for fighting for your family and putting your children first.

I hope you get the therapy you are seeking to help you navigate your past trauma.

wishing you and your little ones love and luck in the world.

The OP has updated to say that she has ended the relationship.
Well-done, OP 🙌

Fuck me.

Have voted YABU as no idea how you have dug yourself into this silly situation when you have vulnerable children. End it immediately and give your children the full focus they deserve.

You’re being abused again. Leave and stay away from men for a while. Do the freedom programme. Check to see if you can get any benefits. Don’t lend anyone money.

“Well done telling him it’s over. That took courage and an acknowledgement that you’re worthy of putting yourself first.
Your background creates a level of vulnerability that you’re probably not even aware of - because you’ve had to be strong so how can you be vulnerable? You know you keep looking for a “family” which means anyone who seems to offer love and care and stability looks like a good deal, and you feel lucky they’re even looking your way.
That thinking is mistaken - some men actively seek out vulnerable women, it’s like they can smell it on you. It’s very hard but try to go it alone for a good while. Just you and your kids building a life for yourself. Make friends, build a support network, work on yourself but leave men alone for a while. Speak to Women’s Aid about support and counselling - there may be other services in your area for domestic abuse, they usually offer help after you’ve left so have a chat with them.
You’re incredibly strong, you really can do this and it’ll be so much easier without a parasitic, abusive man around your neck.”

This with bells on. Thinking of you, OP. You’ve been through loads. You sound incredible.