Is my BF exploiting me because I'm vulnerable?

[Findingthe]

I came out of a relationship with severe DV which was also suffered by my 3 children, who were sexually abused by their DF. I was an absolute wreck when I found out what happened to my DC. They hadnt been able to tell me because of age and disabilities. I was introduced to a man by a friend who said he wanted to help us. He would go for groceries or be someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone who just wanted to help anyway he could. Very quickly he wanted to be a couple. I felt alone in the world which had totally collapsed and I was now a single parent with 3 traumatised children and a court case.
Since then he has started asking for money, first it was for things like he hadn't been paid because of a mess up at work, but now its several times a month. He complains he has to put up with my DC who have complicated disabilities and that he has his own MH problems. I feel very vulnerable because I've needed the emotional support as a working mum with a history of DV and 3 DC with disabilities and trauma, and having someone there was comforting. Believe me you get NO help if you find out your DP is a paedophile. Any support services have a 2 year waiting list and you get a couple of sessions with people who are useless. So Ive stayed with my new BF, but asking me for money several times a month, which is never paid back, just feels like exploitation. But now he says he has mental health problems and he needs me to help him get through them (financially supporting him as well as emotionally), do you think he's taking advantage of me because he knows I'm vulnerable? WWYD?

Was it a lot of money? I think sometimes when there's money involved, along with the hope of getting it back, it's just another tie that binds. It gives the abuser more control. It sounds like all he's done is continue to take and take and not give back, so he'll never give back.

You do have a family. You and your kids.

Stop telling yourself that you are weak and vulnerable, because you're not. You've gone through a lot and you're still standing. You're stronger than a lot of "strong" people who have never been tested. I've been vulnerable in the past and looking back, I see now that I allowed it to become an excuse to be quite passive in my life, instead of sorting it out. Loads of people do it.

Reading about your child being suicidal was upsetting. I hope they are better now. If the man you with did anything good, then I hope he helped you both through that.

I think comments can sound harsher typed out, especially on topics like this. Try not to take it personally. People love the tough love, especially online x

Seriously have a fcking word with yourself before posting such unhelpful hateful bile against a victim of abuse who has managed to dig herself out of being targeted by predators twice with no bloody help or support. He came into her life as a saviour figure and she was at rock bottom trying to claw her way out, of course she was vulnerable to anyone offering help and kindness for it then to all turn on its head when he had the claws in and started gaslighting and emotionally blackmailing her!

Sorry you have to hear from these unhelpful judgemental people OP. I think you have been so incredibly brave. Honestly well done for recognising ex BF for what they are and getting away. Xx

I agree with @Cucy - OP does need to take some accountability. If only to stop her falling for the next man looking for his next victim.

I'm praying 4 people to read the OP's posts before commenting.

How about you take some accountability for putting the boot on the neck of a victim of abuse. WHO HAS ESCAPED AS SOON AS SHE RECOGNISED SHE'D BEEN GROOMED!! I can't believe the absolute lack of anything close to empathy by some of you. Absolutley disgusting. Shame on you.

End the relationship. Your children will recover more from the loss of a man who has been around for a year or 2 than being part of another abusive situation rest of their lives. The money you are giving him could be going towards your children

You don't need to shout at me.
I have already said well done to OP for dumping him. I stick by the point that she needs to recognise abusive traits to avoid falling into the same trap again.
You don't need to be so aggressive.

I can really see how he wriggled his way in at a time when you were under a huge amount of strain. Seeing some who just gets on and helps, is supportive can be very seductive especially when you’ve been so harmed by other people who should have cared for you. You started to ask the right questions though, and could see him taking advantage so while you may wish you had got there sooner, you did get there in the end.

Absolutely, even someone who hasn't endured such significant trauma could easily be drawn in by someone helping with cooking/emotional support/conversation etc

OP you've done well in spotting it and ending it.
I wish you and your children the absolute best.

He’s not a good role midel
snd definitely not a good father figure Focus on yourself and DC, change door locks if he has a key, don’t let him in and tell him you are concentrating in your own healing plus that if your DC. His gravy train is now at the buffer! Please end it today ⚡️💐

Except you used the words “OP needs to take some accountability”, ie you victim blamed. I can do that too. You need to take some accountability for being shouted at when you victim blamed the OP.

End the relationship, focus on your children. They have been damaged enough - the last thing they need is another man in their lives.

Why did you bother to write this @YourWildAmberSloth ?

😆🤣ok so

You are smart enough to have figured this out. Speak to Women's Aid to give you support to end this.

You absolutely should be single and focus on yourself and your children. Get support where and when you can.

way down the line when you are if ever ready to meet someone I wouldn’t ever disclose any of this information, I think most men will use it to their advantage in one way or another.

my first thought about him being an anti peado activist is that he’s probably actually a peado hiding in plain sight.

And as someone else highlighted, if he was genuine he wouldn’t want to get into a relationship with someone that’s just gone through what you have and would recognise that you all need space and time to heal.

I actually can’t stand the posters falling all over themselves to tell the OP it’s not her fault. It is actually, she’s the adult and she’s responsible for her children’s safety yet she brought another unsuitable adult into their lives. The children are the victims, end of.

he's also made himself the father figure for the DC so I feel they will be hurt all over again if I end it

This is why you can't be in a relationship right now. For so many reasons.

OP. You have been stronger and braver than you realise.

Just a warning He may try to worm his way back into your good graces, don't let him. Hopefully he won't but You do not have to be friends with this person.

I think you made the right choice for you and your children. and with ref to one of your previous posts... putting yourself first and not last is a good thing, it keeps you strong for your children's sake. Take lots of care of yourself. Wishing you all the very best

Of course he’s exploiting you. You’re not going to get any of your money back. Dump him.

Tell him your haven't got any money to give him and really... you needed to spend time on your own after your abusive relationship.

Thus chap might be better than the last one, but he's not that great and he's not the one for you.

Let him focus on his mental health and you focus on you and your kids.

I actually can’t stand the posters who are so blind to OP’s circumstances. She has endured an extremely damaging childhood that will have massively affected her brain development. She has been fighting, against all odds to remove an abuser from her children’s lives and see him convicted. She has been asking for help but none is forthcoming. Blaming OP for being unable to miraculously heal herself of the damage with no support whatsoever whilst still fighting a battle to raise her challenging children shows an astonishing lack of insight. OP clearly has diminished responsibility for her situation. If you want to blame someone other than the actual abusive men in this story, then blame our society that has massively failed OP in every way possible. Blame yourself. Blame me. We are part of this society that has allowed such harm to happen.

Honestly, given that @Findingthe has come from one gruesome situation to another, we need to let her know how proud we are of her for recognizing that just because this guy is better than the last one, it doesn’t mean he’s not also abusive. She came here to ask for advice about what is best for her and her kids and she needs to be supported through this, not kicked back down.
@Findingthe Well done! You are questioning his behaviours and recognizing that all is not well in this relationship and it feels like you’re going to listen to your intuition so you and your kids are protected. I am really proud of you!

Please get this man out of your life, like yesterday. No explanation just get rid.

as for him asking for money, no, no, and thrice no.

Hes grooming you. Any man who has to "put up with" your children isnt in it for you.

You were vulnerable and grateful but your instincts are spot on. End it.

I can't believe you would let any man near your children when they've been sexually abused by their own father. It isn't hard to stay single until they're all 18 and have left home!!