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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my BF exploiting me because I'm vulnerable?

177 replies

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:13

I came out of a relationship with severe DV which was also suffered by my 3 children, who were sexually abused by their DF. I was an absolute wreck when I found out what happened to my DC. They hadnt been able to tell me because of age and disabilities. I was introduced to a man by a friend who said he wanted to help us. He would go for groceries or be someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone who just wanted to help anyway he could. Very quickly he wanted to be a couple. I felt alone in the world which had totally collapsed and I was now a single parent with 3 traumatised children and a court case.
Since then he has started asking for money, first it was for things like he hadn't been paid because of a mess up at work, but now its several times a month. He complains he has to put up with my DC who have complicated disabilities and that he has his own MH problems. I feel very vulnerable because I've needed the emotional support as a working mum with a history of DV and 3 DC with disabilities and trauma, and having someone there was comforting. Believe me you get NO help if you find out your DP is a paedophile. Any support services have a 2 year waiting list and you get a couple of sessions with people who are useless. So Ive stayed with my new BF, but asking me for money several times a month, which is never paid back, just feels like exploitation. But now he says he has mental health problems and he needs me to help him get through them (financially supporting him as well as emotionally), do you think he's taking advantage of me because he knows I'm vulnerable? WWYD?

OP posts:
Wasitabadger · 02/11/2025 08:41

@Findingthe
Please reach out to The Rees Foundation (they support parents who are care experienced), The Care Leavers Association can also offer support and links to other support.

The freedom program is a good plan. You survived the care system, you survived your ex and stopped access to your children.

You may need support to explain to your children that the man who they saw as a father figure is not a good man. A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

You can do this one step at a time, I know it feels impossible. I can tell you should you reach out to the care leaver community there is support.

PollyBell · 02/11/2025 08:42

JMSA · 02/11/2025 08:38

The OP has updated to say that she has ended the relationship.
Well-done, OP 🙌

Sadly until the next one, for the kids sake I hope i am wrong

Listen to others op stop the every repeating cycle

user1471538283 · 02/11/2025 08:42

He spotted you were vulnerable and he's exploited it.

Every penny you give him is a penny less for your DC. You don't have the bandwidth to cope with everything and his mental health problems.

Get rid of him immediately.

17caterpillars1mouse · 02/11/2025 08:43

Those poor children. How could you even trust another man being around them? How could you risk it? You barely know him.

Protect them

Addictedtohotbaths · 02/11/2025 08:43

If you haven’t been told about this already, see if you can apply for criminal injuries compensation for your children

FilthyforFirth · 02/11/2025 08:45

Your children are traumatised, why an earth are they not your sole priority? Why do you need a relationship? Sorry, I know you've been through a lot but I just dont understand why given everything that has happened to you, you would want to seek out another man. Why? End it now, focus on your kids and you. Nothing else.

ClairDeLaLune · 02/11/2025 08:46

Yes he is taking advantage of you. He is an absolute lowlife to take advantage of a vulnerable woman in this way. He is emotionally and financially abusing you. He may not be violent, but it’s still abuse.

He doesn’t care about your children, he said he has to “put up with” them. Stop giving him money. I bet he will disappear quickly. And if he doesn’t and carries on trying to abuse you then dump him. And tell your friend what’s he’s done.

Moonlightfrog · 02/11/2025 08:47

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:27

I haven't heard of the Freedom programme but womens aid were involved for a short time at the start. I'll contact them.

OP, I have done the freedom programme and am now doing pattern changing, most of the women who attend have similar stories to you. I would highly recommend doing it. I was lucky I didn’t have to wait long to be signed up.

You really do need help to recognise traits in abusive men. This new guy sounds like he’s using you. He’s been extra nice to you and now he expects money in return for his kindness, he is not a good person. You should be concentrating on your dc and yourself, you don’t need a man to help you heal and neither do your dc. There are good people out there that ask for nothing in return for their kindness but we always need to be careful as many people do have an alternative motive. Ditch this guy, be strong and show your kids that you won’t take any bull shit from a man. Raising kids alone isn’t a bad thing, my dc have disabilities too and I have been in my own for 9 years now. My kids are vulnerable (now young adults) and the risk of bringing another abusive man into the house is just too high.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/11/2025 08:47

BigOldBlobsy · 02/11/2025 07:35

Also OP 6 months isn’t long enough to test out a man. Especially when you have incredibly vulnerable and traumatised DC. Trust me when I say, as an ex social worker and child therapist, I’ve seen lots of predatory men play the VERY long game to get access to vulnerable kids. They always know who to target sadly as well.

As a woman, my question is always. What does this man think he is gaining from me, what do his behaviours show he is gaining. Why would he want to gain those things from me? I don’t want to be harsh but there are very few men or women selfless enough to want to acquire 3 traumatised children to care for!!! And that’s having worked in fostering also, where generally there are lots of selfless people and also some not so selfless people. Question motive always!

that’s my cynical social work head.

my therapist head says you all need to take time to process your trauma, get stronger and more stable as a family unit, before inviting others in who will change the dynamic and take focus away.

Edited

This.....

In buckets....

At the very least he's financially abusing you.

Sadly, he could well be another paedophile playing the long game. As @BigOldBlobsy has said, paedophiles are extremely good at sniffing out vulnerability, they are also skilled at creating psychological and financial debt ('you owe me as I act as father figure' /insert any other term here...)... And when you're as vulnerable as you are now, your head must be spinning... No one could make really good judgements at this point...

I'm sorry this is a horrid thing for you to hear after all this hideous abuse you've suffered.

Have you been able to access ANY therapeutic help through GP at all?

I think you need specific trauma therapy

(I've worked in child protection and forensic servicea and DV services)

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/11/2025 08:47

I’m not going to comment about your relationship, as I think you know you should not be in a relationship with this man.

You say you’ve had no support regarding your children’s SA and waiting times are 2 years (unfortunately true)

Have you been in contact with the Ivison’s trust? If not they are a brilliant service who will definitely help with support for you and your children's. ivisontrust.org.uk

Here is a few links that might be beneficial for you also.

https://bd9606b6-40f8-4128-b03a-9282bdcfff0f.usrfiles.com/ugd/bd96062a84adc426fd4aef9d9a414b40f7fdf9.pdf

https://www.suojellaanlapsia.fi/en/sina-riitat

https://bd9606b6-40f8-4128-b03a-9282bdcfff0f.usrfiles.com/ugd/bd9606_2a84adc426fd4aef9d9a414b40f7fdf9.pdf

RunningNananananananananana · 02/11/2025 08:48

You do not need a man.

Look up the Freedom Programme

Focus on being a mother to your children.

themerchentofvenus · 02/11/2025 08:48

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:24

He was on the sidelines for the first 6months but very quickly became the father figure they craved. He was an anti-paedophile activist and a life long friend of my friend so I trusted him. We don't live together. But it's now been 2 years and his mental health problems have been on and off this year. He's been asking for money throughout the relationship but now its several times a month. I never put my children 2nd but I put myself last. I feel torn between wanting to help him and not having the mick taken. But he's also made himself the father figure for the DC so I feel they will be hurt all over again if I end it.

If he was a genuine anti paedophile activist then he wouldn't be starting a relationship with someone so vulnerable.

You are being exploited here.

As you don't live together then end it, as it sounds toxic.

Lonely people need friends who help them become happy again within their own skin. Once you are then happy on your own, THEN it would be time to consider a relationship.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/11/2025 08:48

PS... Please also involve social services for any support they can give.

You really don't want to be in their radar of there is any sniff of 'failure to protect' (I'm unsure if this term has changed - it's been a while since I worked in services)

rainbowunicorn22 · 02/11/2025 08:49

he has seen how you are and is exploiting you. I appreciate that help is difficult to find, but do ask your GP to refer you to counselling and contact Women's Aid, who will help you. it might be a tough road, but from experience, you do not need anyone; you need to find yourself first before anyone else is in your life. if you have people coming into your life at the moment, it will only disturb the children who also need to heal. Have you tried to find out if there are any groups or charities that support whatever disability your children have/

Eaglemom · 02/11/2025 08:50

At this point cut your losses and see it not as losing the money he owes, but saving yourself from losing more as long as he is around as he will always be after more.
Apart from the money sode of things, it will be worth it to get him away from you and your kids who deserve better.

AdoraBell · 02/11/2025 08:51

He is manipulating you. Get rid of him.

SunnySideDeepDown · 02/11/2025 08:51

I know you’ve been through a lot but I need to tell you, you are at risk of losing your children.

This new relationship is very risky, it’s born out of desperation and dependency, not love and respect.

If social services see that you can’t keep your children safe, they will take them (quite rightly).

Keep these dangerous and exploitative men away from you all. I know you need support and you’re in a very tough part of life, but you must not risk your children. Any man offering to help is a walking red flag. Stick to organisations and family for now.

Driftingawaynow · 02/11/2025 08:53

Well done OP. Clearly you need much more support for yourself, it seems like going through some helpful services might be much safer than going out looking for new friends or whatever while you rebuild your self esteem, and give yourself a break from boyfriends, life will be easier and less complicated and your kids will be safer emotionally. There are various different organisations that support adult care leavers, eg https://www.reesfoundation.org might be good to reach out to them

The Rees Foundation | Life-long support for care leavers

Welcome to the Rees Foundation. We support adults with foster care or residential care experience. Discover how we're changing lives of care experienced people.

https://www.reesfoundation.org

Mum2twoandacockapoo · 02/11/2025 08:54

I learnt doing the dv abuse course that when you open up to someone you are basically showing them what you are willing to accept .

So you’ve told this man your history and now he knows you’re vulnerable to this and so he can abuse you knowing it’s just what you’re used to .

You need to get rid of him and get strong by yourself . You need to develop some good boundaries coz you’re really vulnerable to this happening again … I have had kids with 2 of these people , I wasn’t aware at the time , they basically groom you to get close to your kids , they literally go for single Mums who are damaged with no boundaries . My youngest child’s I won’t say Father but he’s in prison atm for the second time on paedo charges , I literally had no when I was with him ,

You need to HEAL ! You have been through trauma and another relationship is just going to add to that , Take care of yourself 💐

Driftingawaynow · 02/11/2025 08:54

SunnySideDeepDown · 02/11/2025 08:51

I know you’ve been through a lot but I need to tell you, you are at risk of losing your children.

This new relationship is very risky, it’s born out of desperation and dependency, not love and respect.

If social services see that you can’t keep your children safe, they will take them (quite rightly).

Keep these dangerous and exploitative men away from you all. I know you need support and you’re in a very tough part of life, but you must not risk your children. Any man offering to help is a walking red flag. Stick to organisations and family for now.

Have you bothered to read her messages? Firstly, she split up with him, secondly she is a care leaver without a family support network. Unbelievably crass

SharpMintUser · 02/11/2025 08:56

So your children were sexually abused, and you prioritised your own wishes and brought another man into their lives? Wow.

Booboobagins · 02/11/2025 08:57

Get rid, he's exploitative and has latched onyo you due to yoyr vulnerabilities.

You do not need a man right now you need friends. Find some good female friends, build your network.

SunnySideDeepDown · 02/11/2025 08:58

Driftingawaynow · 02/11/2025 08:54

Have you bothered to read her messages? Firstly, she split up with him, secondly she is a care leaver without a family support network. Unbelievably crass

What’s crass about pointing out what will happen if she doesn’t move away from these dangerous men?

The kids are at the centre of all of this - their needs and safety need to come first.

supersop60 · 02/11/2025 09:00

HoppingPavlova · 02/11/2025 08:39

Fuck me.

Have voted YABU as no idea how you have dug yourself into this silly situation when you have vulnerable children. End it immediately and give your children the full focus they deserve.

Well, good for you.
There is absolutely no point in posting a ‘how did you?’ Or ‘why did you?’ type of answer to this kind of problem. It’s not helpful, just judgmental.

notatinydancer · 02/11/2025 09:01

Findingthe · 02/11/2025 07:48

So WWYD, cut the losses and say that's it done and end it now. Or ask for the money back and continue having ties until its repaid? Or does that just keep a foot in the door?

You’ll never get any of the money back. Just end it now. Be on your own , believe me it’s better than being with someone like this.