Is my BF exploiting me because I'm vulnerable?

[Findingthe]

I came out of a relationship with severe DV which was also suffered by my 3 children, who were sexually abused by their DF. I was an absolute wreck when I found out what happened to my DC. They hadnt been able to tell me because of age and disabilities. I was introduced to a man by a friend who said he wanted to help us. He would go for groceries or be someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone who just wanted to help anyway he could. Very quickly he wanted to be a couple. I felt alone in the world which had totally collapsed and I was now a single parent with 3 traumatised children and a court case.
Since then he has started asking for money, first it was for things like he hadn't been paid because of a mess up at work, but now its several times a month. He complains he has to put up with my DC who have complicated disabilities and that he has his own MH problems. I feel very vulnerable because I've needed the emotional support as a working mum with a history of DV and 3 DC with disabilities and trauma, and having someone there was comforting. Believe me you get NO help if you find out your DP is a paedophile. Any support services have a 2 year waiting list and you get a couple of sessions with people who are useless. So Ive stayed with my new BF, but asking me for money several times a month, which is never paid back, just feels like exploitation. But now he says he has mental health problems and he needs me to help him get through them (financially supporting him as well as emotionally), do you think he's taking advantage of me because he knows I'm vulnerable? WWYD?

Please get rid of this man today.

Do you have any help with the children from social services? If not, do ask for full care assessments now.

Well done for finishing with him, OP. Remember that families come in all shapes and sizes, and they don't have to consist of a mother, a father (figure) and children. YOU are you children's family and you are what they need and all that they need. They were never 'craving a father figure' - that was you projecting your ideal family set-up on to them. Like many pps I urge you to stay away from men for now; you are very vulnerable and a certain type of man can sniff out a vulnerable woman with children and prey on them - as you have found out. I wish you strength and fortitude for the future and hope you can find support from Women's Aid or other helping agencies.

You ARE the family. The 4 of you. You can make your own rules now and build your own traditions. Nobody to appease or tiptoe around. You’re free !

I read here once a post of a therapist who said she can go into the waiting room where her clients sit mixed in with clients for other practitioners.

she said she can spot her previously unmet clients just by looking at them.

I read this as I was recovering from a DA relationship, and it confirmed what I felt, also mildly terrifying me at the same time.

if SHE can spot her clients, abusers can spot their victims.

now, you’re waking up to this situation, firstly WELL DONE! It’s hard to spot them when they’re really good at manipulating you and they are not a carbon copy of the ex.

@Findingthe now you know, now you act. Write off the money, it’ll keep you stuck to him and he will use this to control you.

i want you to know that this is not your fault.

staying in this toxic relationship would be all on you however, so you must act now. Today even. Don’t wait.

For whatever reason, there is a vulnerability in your psyche that acts like a flame to these abusive moths.

You need to fix this. The only way to do this is working on yourself, the freedom program is the first step, therapy too if you can access it, in short don’t give up on yourself until you’ve fixed your self worth and self esteem

your kids need protection and short term pain with long term happiness is the goal here

you can tell them that this man wasn’t who you thought he was and isn’t your friend

i know others say this and it always comes across as judgmental, but trust me this isn’t my intention at all, with the vulnerability you have atm, you can’t date or have any kind of connection to a member of the opposite sex until you’ve fixed yourself

spend the next year or so working on yourself, and healing all of yours and your children’s wounds.

you will get through this, you will rise, and in time you’ll be ready to meet a normal person

none of this is your fault. But it would be all on you if you fail to act now to end this relationship

I keep mine in the bedroom this reason. The men who live in the house rarely close the lid when they go to the loo. I have OCD so it might be why this bothers me, but I'm with you on this

He complains he has to put up with my DC who have complicated disabilities
This sentence alone should have have had you running to the hills.
You have so much going on and this man is an an added nasty burden.
He hasn't come along in shining armour to rescue you, but you know that already.
Things are tough for you but he is not making them easier. He is a user. You are not getting your money back but dont give him anymore.

You need to be safe as you dump him as he is not going to want to let you go easily.

Well done for ending it. Stay single for your children, you don't need a man!
Being kind isn't always about being gentle, sometimes people need to be straight talking and harsh to get through - and that's the kindest thing to do.

Be kind makes me grind my teeth, it usually just means be ineffectual.

ETA sorry. See you have ended it. Great news.

In all honesty I really didn't want any relationship with a man and wanted every moment to fight for my children's justice and mental health. He made himself helpful then made himself indispensable. I was dealing with an AS child trying to commit suicide, an extremely violent disabled toddler and a traumatised one, fight a court case and hold down a job. He was popping round to make dinner or a cup of tea. I've never left the children with him or anyone other than school or nursery since it's happened. It was just over time he took the pressure off everyday life and was someone to talk to then he wanted to make it "official" we were a couple. I felt I needed to agree for that emotional support. I was weak and I know it. This was never about having another relationship, he embedded himself in and then I thought (wrongly) I wouldn't be able to cope without him. I got 3 months of play therapy for example and then local funding got cut and services ended. No other services are involved despite me fighting for these. He started asking for money, I wanted to help then it became a burden and still he asked. But then he would be there to help again slowly it becomes a downward spiral. You dont see it clearly through the fog. You hope this could be something different its just temporary problems when you're all in the backgarden, children laughing, you think this is what you've wanted for your DC, a happy life. As good people you don't think that those around you would be so cruel, evil or twisted. But predators are everywhere. Vile men. Thank you again for your advice I'm going to research the therapy/support options you've suggested.

Please don’t introduce another man into your children’s lives. Both you and them need therapy and to heal.

Does this man use your story on social media to promote his campaign? That would be an issue for me. Another thing I have noticed is that “White Knights” are often very narcissistic and controlling. They use “everything they’ve done” to guilt the “damsel in distress” that they have “rescued” into being submissive or obedient because they “owe” him. Also their ego is fed by being told what a saint they are for rescuing their damsel in the first place. I would be deeply suspicious of his motives.

I was abused by my father, I know the damage it does, so understand where my anger comes from when I say to you, get rid of this fucking arsehole man and focus on your children. They do not need a 'father figure', they need a mother who prioritises them.

It's a big step to recognise what has happened here and as nice as it was for him to help you out, he has massively taken advantage of someone vulnerable which was really wrong of him. NOT YOUR FAULT!

Just thank him for the help and support he has offered but say that you don't want or need a relationship at the moment.

If he is as caring about DV/abuse victims as he claims then he won't have any issue with this.

Your children have been traumatised, and you
have jumped into a relationship with a man who you clearly don’t know much about? You need to prioritise the children and focus on them.

He is abusive and it will get worse . Get him out of your life NOW. If you long do it for yourself, do it for your children. I'm assuming you have a social worker? Get them to help or contact your MP.

Please don’t say you are/were weak. This man offered you much-needed support and you were trusting, but due to past events your markers for trust aren’t where they need to be. It’s trauma. And fawning (being compliant) is a survival technique.
It sounds like your life is pretty full on and complicated.
Be kind to yourself.
You can do this. One step at a time.

I can really see how he wriggled his way in at a time when you were under a huge amount of strain. Seeing some who just gets on and helps, is supportive can be very seductive especially when you’ve been so harmed by other people who should have cared for you. You started to ask the right questions though, and could see him taking advantage so while you may wish you had got there sooner, you did get there in the end.

Therapy would be a great idea, not CBT but something relational because it will help you find patterns in the way you view relationships, find a sense of security and work out what is ok or not for you. That kind of therapy can be hard to find, but you can work on yourself in the meantime. You have good awareness of how your thinking and feeling has been impacted by being in care so you can start gently to challenge that thinking “ie what does family mean to me, what do I want for my kids, does that need to include a man - if so, why, what kind of man, how do I recognise good boundaries, how do I recognise someone creeping their way in, what do I do about that” etc etc. There are some good books that can help - I highly recommend Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, which is basically a blue print for trauma therapy. You’ve come a long way, and have been so strong even when you don’t feel like it.

Whether or not he’s exploiting you (he is), do not bring a man into the lives of children who have recently been traumatised by a man.

You need to end things with this man because it is starting to sound like financial abuse. Sorry this has happened to you on top of everything else, but honestly, he probably sees you as vulnerable. Don't be vulnerable, be strong and end things with someone who no longer seems to have your best interests at heart.

Well done @Findingthe . You’ve done the right thing and shown yourself to be a strong woman. Life has already shown you your weaknesses and vulnerabilities but you’re proving that you can be more than the circumstances that shaped you.

keep posting here, especially if you have a wobble, because it will help to type it all out. It’s hard to see things as we’re muddling through them, but putting it all down in black and white helps.

I’m surprised you haven’t sworn off men after what happened to your children.
Leave this man now and don’t bother with dating for at least 3 or 4 years. Don’t even think about it. You need all your head space and energy to raise your children and get your life back together. Get some lovely and supportive friendships if you feel you are lonely. This is where it is at for women - mutually supportive female friendships. All the benefits with no risk and no aggravation.

You're asking the wrong question really. You need to be considering why you have chosen to be with yet another loser. Accept that you need to be alone whilst you figure that out. Convince yourself to step up to that because you have children who need you. They are your priority. Do nothing that could disadvantage them in any way. Find the wisdom and patience to get yourself into a place where you make better choices for them and for you. You don't have the option to use that man as an emotional crutch because that's not what he is! He's an emotional and financial drain on you. Keep life simple - you already have enough on your plate - and get rid of him.

OP you are not a weak person, don't allow men to make you think you are. You fought to have an abuser put away and you did it, shame on the system for letting him go after such a short time.

You are strong enough on your own, men just aren't worth it. Fade out this financial abuser and just put your money and effort into your kids. You are not dependent on him and nor are your kids. They need you and you've got this.

Yes he is. I’m so sorry OP. In your place I’d cut my financial losses and get away from him ASAP. He’ll never pay you back anyway. Best of luck. You have been through so much and you deserve for things to get better.