Is my BF exploiting me because I'm vulnerable?

[Findingthe]

I came out of a relationship with severe DV which was also suffered by my 3 children, who were sexually abused by their DF. I was an absolute wreck when I found out what happened to my DC. They hadnt been able to tell me because of age and disabilities. I was introduced to a man by a friend who said he wanted to help us. He would go for groceries or be someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone who just wanted to help anyway he could. Very quickly he wanted to be a couple. I felt alone in the world which had totally collapsed and I was now a single parent with 3 traumatised children and a court case.
Since then he has started asking for money, first it was for things like he hadn't been paid because of a mess up at work, but now its several times a month. He complains he has to put up with my DC who have complicated disabilities and that he has his own MH problems. I feel very vulnerable because I've needed the emotional support as a working mum with a history of DV and 3 DC with disabilities and trauma, and having someone there was comforting. Believe me you get NO help if you find out your DP is a paedophile. Any support services have a 2 year waiting list and you get a couple of sessions with people who are useless. So Ive stayed with my new BF, but asking me for money several times a month, which is never paid back, just feels like exploitation. But now he says he has mental health problems and he needs me to help him get through them (financially supporting him as well as emotionally), do you think he's taking advantage of me because he knows I'm vulnerable? WWYD?

Op, I work with such men. He will not pay you back. He may say he will, but is it worth waiting for?

You and your children may be vulnerable for many years. It may be a life time. Get rid of him. Reassess your friendship with the person who introduced you.

Honestly what are you doing? Your poor kids are severely traumatised and you bring another man into the picture. I think NO man for a very long time. You need to be putting them first. You are not doing that.
after what they went through, you should NEVER allow any man around them again.

For fucks sake will posters not bother to read the full thread. People are so desperate to give their judgy comments and victim blaming posts without reading that the OP has bravely ended it.

OP you are amazing. Well done. As others have said, I think the Freedom program would really help you

Exactly! Instead of worrying about her new boyfriend she should be asking where she can find help for her kids.

Oh my goodness, this man may not be a paedophile but he's still an abusive man, emotionally and financially. He's absolutely 100% a predator, because he's waited in the wings, knowing how vulnerable you are, and stuck his claws into you. You are not in any way, shape or form, capable of having a healthy relationship with a man. I don't mean it nastily at all, but the reason you can't is because you don't know what a good, healthy relationship looks like. You need to do the Freedom Programme and seek proper counselling. If you don't, you're going to keep repeating this cycle of behaviour. You don't know how to recognise an abusive man - although I think the penny has finally dropped with this one. Your children need protecting, and until you can recognise 'red flags' and understand healthy romantic relationships, the only way to keep them safe, is to end this relationship and stay single. Your children are carrying a huge amount of trauma, they don't need another male in their life right now. They need you, to be emotionally healthy. Please contact Woman's Aid or a similar organisation and I would also be inclined to seek a Clare's Law request regarding this man. Predator's are often a 'wolf in sheep's clothing', they appear to be the knight in shining armour, but are actually anything of the sort.
Edit: I have just seen your update OP, well done for ending this relationship.

You’ve gone straight from one abusive man to another. This guy is just a different kind of predator, he saw you coming a mile off. I’m afraid you’re an easy target. Well done for getting rid of him. Someone being nice and helpful is not entitled to a relationship with you. You need to remain firm about this in future. Think about exactly what this man did, he pretended to be helpful purely so that he could exploit you, it was very calculated. He was never a nice guy, he was a manipulative abuser.

It might be a good idea to make a firm decision to not get romantically involved with anyone for a number of years and tell people about it so that any new men have already heard your “no” before they have a chance to try it on. Be very wary of accepting help from men, the phrase “I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea” could be useful. If you do let anyone help and they later try to push for a relationship don’t be afraid to say that if they’d told you that their help was conditional on you getting into a relationship with them you would never have accepted it, and they should have been honest about the conditions of accepting their help up front. Don’t let anyone guilt you into a relationship you don’t want. You do not owe a man a relationship just because he does you a favour. If at a later date you choose to change your mind and pursue a relationship with someone you can always change your mind. Just make your answer a very firm no to start with and don’t let them think there’s a chance of changing your mind. Those who a looking to exploit you will become obvious.

Be very wary of letting anyone into your family life. You are entitled to set boundaries. Ignore anyone trying to victim blame you. You are an amazing mum and have been very strong fighting to keep your children safe from their father. If you can get rid of him in such horrific circumstances, you can get rid of this new man and guard against any future abusive men too. Stay strong, you can do this.

Anyone who describes themselves as an ‘anti-paedophile activist' would ring some serious bells. WTF

‘anti-paedophile activist' . I'm guessing this is 100% nothing more than some Facebook or YouTube comments he posts.

Your care background is one of the factors that has increased your vulnerability and put you at more risk relationship wise/socially. Please do not put it down to percieved "weakness" on your part. You sound incredibly strong to have got yourself out of an abusive relationship actually.
You are clearly a good mother in that you prioritise your kids needs and safety, even in extraordinarily challenging circumstances. It does not suprise me to hear that there is very little support available, it is disappointing though and I wish it was not like this.

Your BF does not sound like he has you or your kids best interest at heart. He should not be asking you for money nor complaining about your disabled children. On this basis alone I would end the relationship - you and your children have been through enough already and need lots of time to heal.

Are your kids' disabilities related to neurodiversity? If yes, there is a possibility that you as their biological parent are also ND. Being a ND woman makes you much more vulnerable to being in abusive relationships. It might be really helpful for you as well as your kids (knowledge is power) to try and find out if this is the case. I know that getting access to NHS assesment is really difficult depending on where you live, but if you are in England I believe using the Right to Choose pathway can speed things up considerably.

The last thing you need atm is a BF who drags you down and takes advantage, so I hope you can resolve that situation asap.

Good luck and continued strength to you!

I am so happy you've managed to end it OP, you are so incredibly brave. I really hope things work out better for you and your children in the future you all deserve a break and I am so upset there is so little support for you. I am also sorry you have been targeted by another predatory man.

(I don't know why but I am always a bit suspicious of these pedophile hunting men, there's been a few examples of those sorts being predators themselves, its like some of them use the "hunting" as a mask or an excuse to engage with that community)

Sending massive hugs OP I'm sorry he's taken money off you, but its a sunk costs fallacy to keep him in around to pay you back, he never will, he'll just take more and more and drain the life out of you. Xx

I'd end the friendship and block him. Then I'd swear off relationships or developing close friendships with men for now and concentrate on building 'safe' support networks, ie, from people who are unlikely to be offering friendship because they want money or sex. For me that would mean prioritising other women, possibly through groups of other survivors, and being very alert to anyone, male or female, who started to ask me to do things I didn't want to, or felt uncomfortable with, such as lending money.
I think you are vulnerable, but you also have strength. You need time to recover and let your strength grow. Until then you should protect yourself.

She didn't jump into another relationship! She got slowly groomed by a predator over the course of several months, who was introduced by a friend when she was extremely vulnerable!!! Stop fucking victim blaming, she's left him!

I’d be very wary of any man that immediately wants to try to start a relationship after learning you’ve just got out of an abusive one (and also wary of any friend that thought it was an appropriate time to introduce you). Sorry to say this but if you’ve been in previous relationships that are abusive then you’re very likely to attract the same type of people again. Even if you meet someone again in the future I wouldn’t tell him of your past for a very long time (or let him near your children) - till you’re sure if he’s decent or another predatory man. Whatever money you had spare to give this man before you need to put towards therapy for yourself.

OP sorry I had not read all of your posts before making the above comment.

Good on you for breaking it off straight away.

It seems that autism is a factor in your kids' disabilities, so my above comment is still relevant. You are doing so well to have got out of abusive relationships while caring for kids with much higher needs than NT kids. Do you have anything like Team Around The Family or service for children with disabilities run by your local authority? These can be heloful for a little bit of support and signposting. Our local service runs occasional events (Easter, Halloween, Christmas) for the kids, and can be a non-judgemental space for the kids and parents.

If you have a bit of spare energy/time it's worth searching up Sensory OT for autism. Understanding the sensory aspect and making appropriate changes has been the single most beneficial thing in our family. Meeting sensory need and understanding our child's (and our) nervous system better basically made the violent episodes go away completely. There are still lots of challenges, but we are much better equipped to handle them now, and can use sensory approaches (specific physical activities such as deep pressure, jumping, chewing gum, ice cubes etc) to manage regulation and avoid overwhelm/meltdowns.

You are doing a good job, so wishing you lots of strength to keep it up. Take as good care of yourself as you can.

Tell him he owes you ‘X amount of money.’ Tell him because of this you feel you are being used.Tell him you are ending the relationship because of this. Tell him for your own mental well-being you need to be alone.
You have so many reasons to end it and all of them true.
Be proud of yourself, to recognise this abuse is not always possible and you have.

You need to get this man out of yours and the kids life ASAP.

Well done for ending it.
He'll come begging but don't be weak, your children are only little, so them enjoying his company isn't really a gage of their healing.

They need to be safe, loved and made to feel they can come to you anytime.

•Pressured you for a relationship,

•Complains about your kids,

•Taking money from you and your kids,

•Needing looking afyer when you have so much on your plate.

Omg your poor children 💔

How could you put another relationship over them.
Honestly, you are lucky SS have not taken them away.

All of your time and money should be going on them and yourself.

Get rid of him asap, don’t even stay friends.
You do not need support from someone like him.

Forget about the money.
Lets face it, you’re never getting that money back and he’ll soon realise that’s a way to keep you in his life and so he’ll just give you dribs and drabs.

Pack his stuff up and ask your ‘friend’ to give it to him.
Tell him it’s not working as you’re not ready for a relationship but thank him for everything he has done.

He will of course be confused and ask questions, just make sure he doesn’t drag you back in.
Be very slow with your replies and ask him for space.

You need to be single for at least 2 years.
If you need advice or support come on here.

What a fucking horrible post from someone who hasn’t even bothered to read OPs posts before commenting. Remember she is also a victim here

Several months??

He was playing father figure after only 6 months!!

You cannot play the victim card when you’ve chosen to introduce someone to your kids after only 6 months.

He (and the ‘friend’) played on her vulnerabilities - I completely agree with that.

But OP needs to take full responsibility for introducing him to the kids and having him in their lives.

“If you need advice and support come on here”?! Are you kidding me?! After you’ve made such horrible victim blaming comments?! Are you hoping she’ll keep you updated so you can post more nasty self righteous comments and congratulate yourself on being superior?

It’s crass to tell her to rely on family given she is a care leaver

OP he’s horrible and when you dump him make sure the “friend” who introduced you knows at least about the financial abuse. Ideally he should be named and shamed for the negging too - that’s what he’s doing, trying to enhance the voice in your head that says you couldn’t do better. You can!

Alone is so much better for you and this is a rare case where I’d say your kids need you to hold off dating. Either until they are old enough or until you are feeling much much stronger. If you can’t access therapy then workbooks and help lines and journalling are all helpful. If you need to access child care you can make sure it’s set up so there are multiple carers and no carer is ever alone with a child (a lot of sports or scouts groups seem to do this now).

Good luck, you can do this.

Please end it NOW

Coming on here is a bit risky isn't it, when there's people like you adding to the OPs feelings of guilt and shame. The way women recover and break the cycle of being prey to abusive men is to develop their self confidence and self esteem. Telling the OP she is a bad mother serves only to damage it further.

Completely disagree with the PP above - SS would not take your children away for simply getting into a relationship. That is horrible scaremongering.
OP you were the one who contacted the police and fought for your ex to be imprisoned. Nothing that happened was your fault.

But I agree with PPs you need to end this new relationship now. Asking for money, blaming MH and him saying he puts up with your kids is more than enough reason. I don’t believe you will get the money back as it sounds like he has none, so it’s best to just cut all ties.

I also agree that therapy would be very helpful. If it’s too expensive, you could Google low cost therapy as often trainees have lower hourly rates. There might also be a self referral NHS service in your area, these sometimes have lower waiting times than the NHS MH services that need a doctor referral